Here's the problem. Married for about 5 years. One child. Prior to giving birth...good communication, honesty and great sex. Since birth of child (3yrs old) maybe 10 times [sex], no communication, no intimacy [kissing, hugging].
Could any males tell me what's going on? He is depressed (clinically...will NOT go to a doctor). I've asked about marriage counseling...NO WAY. Cheating? I think he's on the verge. I am trying...really I am. Trying to not fuss, argue or fight, but I'm fed up. I don't want to cheat..but I really need some sex. It's been a year and I can't take it anymore. I am thinking about a legal separation and then divorce. I just want to make the right decision. Hubby is adopted, with serious issues as far as family and marriage. Having the child gave him his first "real" blood relative..so maybe he's done with me?
2006-06-27 10:22:26 · 12 answers · asked by ? 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I asked him why he doesn't want too [be intimate with me] and he said he just doesn't. He keeps telling me that it's not me...it's him...but he still looks at porn. I guess I'm just being naive.
2006-06-27 10:32:39 · update #1
Believe me...I'm victoria's secrets number one customer. I guess I'm in denial. I've done everything that has been suggested. If he really loved me...he would make some kind of compromise?
But thank you to everyone that responded. I'm just glad no one has called me an idiot!
2006-06-27 10:52:45 · update #2
To the idiot at the bottom...I'm NOT fat. I'm a size 4. And you're probably alone, masturbating every day right?
2006-06-27 11:22:11 · update #3
My guess is that his depression IS the problem. I had a lot of trouble finding information about being the significant other of a depressed person when I was in a similar relationship (but without the child), but I did finally come across a book called "Depression Fallout" (I think there's a website but you'll have to search for it - I know that the book refers to the website forums quite a bit).
Anyway, it really gave me a new perspective. I ended up not staying with the guy that I was with, because of several issues. This book might help you, though, because it discusses what to do if the person you are with will not seek help.
Also, even if he won't go to counseling with you, you should go alone. There has already been some serious damage to your self-esteem from this relationship, and you need to heal yourself in order to be a good role model for your child. A therapist will help you find the right path for you, whether that is sticking it out or working through the process of moving on.
Either way, cheating may make you feel better in the short term, but it will hurt you in the long run. Some of your desire to cheat probably comes from the fact that you feel unwanted and undesireable, but starting a fling (or even a semi-serious relationship on the side) will only hurt you in the end. Get information and help first.
2006-06-27 18:22:43 · answer #1 · answered by Stephanie 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe and just maybe he's not into you? On the other hand it's something that is stopping him from making love to you.
Now it's your turn and maybe it's something you can do to turn him on. On your way home stop by VS and Bath and Body Works, plan a evening while the children are away. Cook a nice candlelight dinner and feed him and pamper him. Get you some satin sheets, some nice wine, soft music, give him a bubble bath and just enjoy each other. Touch him like he never been touch before and just do what you need to do to keep your marriage alive and hot.
Also tell him what your marriage means to you. Let him know you're not getting out of this marriage easy. Just do what you have to do to stay marry and happy.
2006-06-27 17:41:20 · answer #2 · answered by Basilchef 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before the baby he was the main focus of your love. After the baby most of the love and affection was transfered to the baby. He is lonely.
With the depression he absolutely needs help. He needs to visit a physician first. Counseling would be valuable as well. If he refuses, then you need to go by yourself and be sure you are all that you can be....primarily for you. When you are all that you can be for you that will be good for everyone.
If he refuses to get some help, then you have decisions to make. Stay, or not. I encourage you to hange in there for a while!
God bless you!!
2006-06-27 17:35:12 · answer #3 · answered by Brent 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are a nice lady, I can tell that....and VERY patient, but your patience IS wearing thin. I had a similar marriage, and have walked the floor many nights needing sex, but had to do without. It's torture, I know. Try to talk to him again, not argumentative, but open and honest. Tell him what he has to lose, and if he is not willing to do anything about it, then you just need to leave. Don't cheat, and don't run right out and get another man.....heal first. Get a divorce, and then , find a GOOD man. Best of luck to you!
2006-06-27 17:34:59 · answer #4 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok.....i am in a similar situation on the other end. Been married for six years...three children that i adore and things went from fire to fizzle fast. We dont have sex anymore and though i am content with the way things are i know they cant last this way forever. It all comes down to honesty. Laying who you are and what you want on the table and seeing where things stand. It sounds as though you have gone through that step and several steps beyond that. I think at this stage of the game....you need to think of your own happiness and that of your childrens. Life is way too short to be unhappy because of someone else. Be honest with not only him...but yourself. Is this situation healthy for you....and if not, do something about it. Seperate and see if that does something to the relationship. Either it will force him to realize that he needs you in his life....or it will force you to realize that you need to go in a different direction.
2006-06-28 09:52:55 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to spice up the sex, maybe that will change things for him. If you want to try to make it work then go crazy. At least this way you can say YOU tried!
Get some porn video's and watch them with or with out him. I think if you watch them while he is a home, a light has to turn on. Or he will think, what the heck is she watching. Buy some toys and play with them again with or with out him. But make sure he knows and see what you are doing. I think any man that see's this or hears you having fun has to be turned on.
Good luck!
2006-06-27 17:34:26 · answer #6 · answered by misscanada_y2k 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the attraction is gone and it's time for both of you to move on. You can try counseling but I think you should consider a divorce. Good luck to you!
2006-06-27 17:28:00 · answer #7 · answered by lifeislove 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is he jealous of the child? It sounds like he thinks he has taken a back seat to the child. Also, having been cheated on, sounds like he is already cheating. Of course, my opinion doesnt count for nothing...
2006-06-27 17:32:32 · answer #8 · answered by arcom59 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him straight out, if he does not getr help you are going to leave him. Plain and simple. He will then make your decision simple.
2006-06-27 17:31:35 · answer #9 · answered by javelin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe he see you as someone different now. since the birth he sees you as a mother and not his wife or girlfriend.
2006-06-27 17:33:50 · answer #10 · answered by lowIQ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋