Divorce yes or no need some feed back plz?

Question

I have been married for eight years now. We have one daughter together. But here is the problem he is addicted to crack cocaine and has been in and out of prison this would make it his third time since we have been married. I left him three years ago in California and moved me and my girls to Oklahoma. He recently called us from prison and has been writing us every once in a while. He wants to come to us when he gets out. However I have been clean for three years now and we have started a new life me and my girls. Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and let him come here when he gets out or do I get a divorce before he gets out? His daughter wants me to let him come here but mine says no because she remembers the abuse when we were both using. The hard thing for me is I changed can he too, but I have never been to prison like he has though. Can anyone give me some guidance to this plz. All opinions welcomed.

Answer 1

Oh my god girl seems like life has taken a very hard toll on both of you guys. The thing to remeber is that is has taken very long for you to become clean, am I right, with that being said, every day is a new day, which means you fight harder as each day passes to keep your demons away. I say 3 strikes your out in my book, yes it is very possible for him to be clean and sober, but you know what your daughters have already been thru enough physical and mental abuse they could ever endere and now that your sober and you how this has affected them you have to work extra hard everyday to keep them motivated and guided towards the right direction, you also know that addiction is heredity and it is very likely that they will grow to use drugs as well. But remeber you have the chance to change that life style for them ax you already have buy getting sober and doing the right thing by them girls, you are to be commened for that, but also try to remeber how hard it has been to let him come back into your life after you have already chosen and begin another cleaner lifestyle, i mean we all know that people can get drugs in prison and quite frankly if the man has been in prison for the littlest thing i wouldnt want him around my daughters at all and only becuase men get reaped in prison, and some totally rehibailt themselves completly but in your situation he wont ever become clean becusae its his lifestyle, Dont you think that children need not be around that if we can prevent it, well you have had your chance to become sober which you have, you have been the chance to give your girls more in life then most people get, be lucky the state has taken them away from you, and placed them with total strangers, do right by them, no matter how hard it might be, yes there are challenges every day and you are lucky to have beaten the biggest one this far. Why would you even consider letting him back into your CLEAN alife after 3 years, dont you see the pattern this man will always follow, and i know its hard to put those feelings aside and yes the girls do need fathers but after everything they have been through, if your strong enough you will not let him back in youe life as your husband, now id down line he cleans up and i mena really cleans up then i would consider supervised vistation becuase you are different now he will be differnt and the girls are different, do you really want to upset your lifestyle now because you think you owe him something, are the girls, I would say you have done the right thing thus far and you will conintiue to do the right as long as you keep this man out of your home along with his friends that he will BE back in contact with as soon as he can, I mean if i were you and were given this chance to become and outstanding mother and to prtotect the children you gave birth to, i woulkdnt allow anhone to take the away ever again becuase next time if there is ever a next time you will not see your girls becuase they will hate for you for the life you have chosen with him, I would file for divorce and be done with him altoghter, yes you have children but there are ways for him to be a dad other than living in your household, and quite franl=kly if he has only sent a few letters to you guys after 3 years who needs that stress wondering and waiting on letters he has already dissapointed you and your gilrs why let all the drama start allover no matter what he says, Do the right thing and let him go for good, and keep wotking everyday to the new begining that you and your girls deserve, you will do the right thing no matter how hard it is, the hardest was admitting you have had a problem and allowinng yourself the treatment to get better you deserve a standing ovation for that, continue to work hard and show the and theach the girlds everyday about the lifestyle that lead you to your sobriety, as they get older you know how us girls can be they will need you to be strong for them, and with him i think you will fiall back into lifestyle that you promised yourself you would never get close to again am I right???? Good luck to you and i hope you find in your heart the right thing to do, please feel free to email me as i think we have alot of things in common and could help one another with, [e-mail] write me back i will be glad to here from you best wishes to you and your girls

Answer 2

I must assume that he is getting out on parole soon? Did it occur to you that he just needs somewhere to go? They (prison system) make the prisoners line up a place to stay it's called a home plan. They make them line up a place to live, treatment programs and visits with a parole officer. They also have to get a job. It would also look very good to a parole board if he was able to tell them that you (clean) and his daughters were ready and waiting for him to come home. I also have a problem with the fact that he only writes you every once in awhile and he just recently made contact by phone. I am the daughter of two drug addicts who went to prison, no matter how old you are this is traumatizing and humiliating. I also know that drug addiction is an uphill battle, you can work hard to get to the top but one misstep can send you tumbling back to the bottom of the hill. Do you feel this man will be a source of support for you? Can you be a supporter for him? I am very amazed and proud of what you have accomplished 3 years clean is wonderful! Could you have done it with you husband by your side? Moving to a different state was a very wise thing to do because it is hard to change when you stay around the same negative influences in your life, your husband is one of those people you were trying to get away from.

Answer 3

You made a huge move away from the negative things in your life. Why now do you want the go backwards? Give your children a chance for a good life. Tell him no that he is your past and he has to move on. Men in prison are very lonely and tend to get hung up on the last woman in their lives. Wish him well but tell him that the children deserve better opportunities. Get involved in activities offered by the YMCA or scouts or sports teams. Ask the school counselor for help in putting the kids in positive learning environments so they won't get caught up in the drug culture. Just by telling a friend that their father is in prison could cost them and they will begin to make friends that have issues. I pray for my children and their friends and families and you have mine too. Ask for help whenever and where ever you can, you can be the best mommy ever. Encourage your ex to seek help on the outside, but let him know that you have moved on and whatever it takes, if he is not a good man and can leave you alone and begins to harass you, then talk to an attorney and the law. You have rights and so do the girls.

Answer 4

First of all, had you said this was the first time he'd been in prison, maybe give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like you still have feelings for him. If your daughter is telling you no, due to bad memories, don't ruin her more. You both have done enough. For him 3 years is a long time to be at ease with himself and has had a lot of time to think about it, that is all. Time, it took him that long to realize he wants to be a family again. 3 strikes, he's out. I'm sorry, but you've been on your own for that long, you can stll do it on your own. Create new and beautiful memories with your girls. Get a divorce now, before he comes out and tries to play tug of war with the girls.

Answer 5

It may seem like getting others opinion may make it easier to make your decision, but it's not. Having experienced what you're going through with the addiction, abuse, prison time, for over 31 yrs in a marriage that just ended for a second time to the same guy 1 1/2 years ago, my true & sincere opinion is don't make that mistake. Even though I was blessed not to get into his addictions, it was hard getting out of the relationship both times. He was even a womanizer, which is what broke the camel's back last year and he's with her now with all their misery. He will only drag you done after fronting for a couple of months, and that's all it would take to make you miserable & change your life from good to bad. Fair Warning from one who's tried, it don't pay.
Another thing, kids may be young but they understand and know a whole lot more than we give them credit for having. Give him visiting times for his daughter (she just misses him because she don't know him), and leave that along.

Answer 6

First off you should give ur-self a pat on the back for being clean. That is major progress. My worry is if you take him back, he will start using again. I wouldn't dare but my kids in that situation. I can understand you wanting a man around completely, but you have to think of your future and you're children's. Do you want them to get into drugs? It's not to late to give them a complete drug free enivorment. My parents did a lot of drugs when I was little. I guess I can say it scared the **** out of me because I have never touched the stuff. But the choice is yours, there are so many people out there waiting to be loved. I wouldn't listen to his daughter, ur the mom, you make the choices. Maybe he can check into a treatment center when he gets out or something. You sound like you are proud of starting a new life with you and ur girls. Just protect that and don't let him change it. You sound like a good mom and that you really love ur kids. Do it for them and there future. I wish you luck!!!

Answer 7

I hate to say it darlin' but right now he has a little something called "jail house religion."Every person that goes to prison finds that they are doing so much better and want to make a new start. The reality sets in when they return and after about maybe a month or maybe a little longer they slip back into their old ways.I know you love him and would like to help and give him a chance but the best thing you can do for him, yourself and your children is going to be the hardest.He has to go directly to detox.
Even IF HE COMPLETES IT he still needs to stand on his own two feet CLEAN and you CANNOT help him.Its his fight sweetie just like it was for you.He has to fight those demons head on in the real world where there is going to be temptation.Tell him NO. Refuse to see him.Lay down the law and let him know it.You are doing too well to hurt your babies.And as far as your children's opinions, it's not up to children to determine.It's your responsibility as a mommy to do whats right for them. Explain your old dependency and what he's going through and why you have to put a stop to him.Hard road ahead but you're ready and you know whats right. email me if you just want to "talk" but I think you've got this thing under control.Keep it that way.I'M NOT WRONG.

Answer 8

I don't think him coming to live there is a good idea at all. You have gone to great lengths to get better and take care of those children and I think you need to put them first. You started a new life that does not include him and his relapses and abuse. The thing is - if eh comes back then you know exactly what you are getting - there is no surprise. If you let him go then there are many sweet surprises in store for your future. I feel strongly about what you wrote here and I think divorce is a necessary in your situation. I hope I helped.

Answer 9

I am not sure what to tell you. My first thought was give him another chance. However, there is no way you can put yourself or your children into harms way. Why can't you get a divorce, invite him to Oklahoma and see what happens? There is nothing that says you can't remarry if things work out or that you can't be friends. You need to keep yourself and your daughters safe first and foremost. If he loves you he will understand that. However, something to keep in mind, just because he is clean now and has found Jesus, that does not mean anything when he gets to the real world. I wish you the best of luck. If you need to vent or if I can help with anything, email me...

Answer 10

You should not let him back into your life. He would not change I have scened this way too many times. Now you have think of your girls he can put their lives in danger and you do not want that. You should talk to a counselor or someone from church that can guide you because your husband is not going to change. Now think of your daughters safety what if puts her in danger and leaves the crack laying around the house or any other drug substance. I would get a divorce because you do not need that in your life. You can find someone better that can respect you and your daughter because your husband can't. you do not want your daughter to think that it is OK to do drugs. Also you do not want your daughter to be in the same situation as you when she gets older.

Answer 11

Things happen and people change. With that said, you have two young children to think about. It is time to direct your attention to raising the children and giving them the life they deserve. Abuse and drug addiction is no life for a child to look at. If he has truly changed he will be willing to wait and establish a life outside of prison for you and your children and if in that time he still loves you and wants to be a family again, then that is a good step in
the right direction. Even though your child wants him to come back, you still have to think rationally. If it does come down to him establishing himself as a model citizen I would still take it to counseling before you went any further. A recovering drug addict like yourself and him are liable to fall into the same patterns if put back into the same environment.