I am confused and drunk right now. Should I retire?

Question

I am a liberal Democrat from the great state of Massachusetts. I have a small drinking problem and my hobbies do include drinking and walking around my backyard in my underwear watching my nephews bring over girls to rape. My brothers killed Marilyn Monroe and the whole family has BIG issues with our teeth, flying in airplanes and guns. I enjoy midnight rides after drinking a fifth of bourbon with a beautiful lady at my side as I drive over rivers using bridges. I am so drunk right now and confused. Do you think I should retire from public office? Help me please. And I do think Hillary is HOT.

Answer 1

Hell, that's nothing! I'm a conservative Repubican from the great state of Texas. I used to get really drunk while I was in college, but my Dad always managed to "take care of it". Even when I was into drugs, he kept it all covered up so that I could continue my path toward public service. Then I joined the Reserves, but only because I thought it would be cool to fly a jet plane. So my Dad arranged that, and then saw to it that I could get out of any real 'military service' since I was too busy bilking investors out of millions of dollars. My brothers might not have killed a movie star, but one of them caused the infamous Silverado Savings & Loan scandal; my other brother helped me steal an election (or two) with fraudulent voting 'chads' and irregularities in how those votes were tabulated. Then my Dad's influence with Supreme Court justices helped me go on to become the best damn president this country ever's seen! I enjoy hanging out with my capitalist buddies and planning how to illegally invade sovereign nations just so we can grab all the oil underneath their sands and make me, my buddy Big Dick, and all our cowboy friends richer and richer and richer.
What the heck, we've killed tens of thousands of Iraqi women and children, and more than 2,500 American soldiers, but like my buddy Donnie Rumsfeld once said at a news conference, "Stuff Happens."
I've single-handedly put this country trillions of dollars in debt, while playing "Robin Hood in Reverse" (that's where we take from the poor and give it all to the rich).
With the help of a pliable, cowardly, corrupt U.S. Congress, I've dismantled the U.S. Constitution, destroyed all environmental-impact laws and regulations that were designed to keep our fragile ecology in place, and turned this country into a police state where citizens are considered guilty until proven innocent in a rigged court of law.
Small countries all over the Earth are now terrified of the U.S., and are considering their own nuclear weapons programs just to defend themselves against the globe's newest "evil empire' - the United States of America!
I condonded all of my friend Donnie Rumsfeld's unspeakable terror, torture tactics, abuse and murder until the damn press got wind of it all. Then I put on my best actors' face and told gullible Americans that I think it was unconscionable. Ya' gotta love Ronald Reagan for writin' the Republican manual on great acting!
I watch out for my wealthy elitist friends, lobbyists, special interest groups and huge corporations that can all make generous (if not illegal) contributions to help keep the GOP in power. Meanwhile, we like to neglect the needs of the poor, the aged, the homeless, the disabled, the underprivileged, and the unemmployed. Why should those scumbags think they have a right to live in America anyway?
I've pretty much accomplished everything my Dad and Big Dick told me to do, all without much accountability or remorse. But, then I've lived the life of a spoiled rich kid who never had to take any responsibility for his actions. I just wish I could find an intern in the White House with whom I could have oral sex (of course, she'd have to proclaim to be a born-again Christian).
I'm not sure whether I should retire from public office of wait until I'm impeached or tried for high treason and crimes against humanity.
Big Dick and Donnie say there's a special oil-soaked corner of Hell that Satan's reserved just for us where we can spend our eternal damnation blaming each other for what a mess we made of the world.
And, maybe, if you're as confused and drunk as you are right now, we can have a drink and talk about our differences. Just make sure I'm within earshot of Big Dick so he can tell me exactly what to say. Ain't politics great? It don't matter whether you're a Republican or a Democrat, we can all just suck off the government teats 'cause we can always get more money from those dumb ol' American taxpayers. Hell, they'll just keep sending it to Washington as long as we keep askin' for it!
Ya' know, when ya' think about it, we've both got a lot in common. Your Dad got filthy rich bottleggin' illegal whiskey during Prohibition; my Dad got filthy rich mixin' crooked oil deals with crooked political scams. What amazes me is how the damned American public seems to still think we're all heroes and some kind of "honorable" men! Ain't that a hoot?
So, I say let's just go on pretendin' like we're fightin' amongst ourselves, when we all know "we're all in this together" - take the money, grab the power, and run right over those bungholes who keep votin' us into office! I think American politics is the best con-game goin' since Judas sold out for thirty pieces of silver. As Red Green would say, "Keep your stick on the ice" - and maybe we'll meet up someday in Hell where we can start two more political parties destined to be bigger shams than the Republicrats! See ya' on the flip side, Teddy.............G.W.B.

Answer 2

Hillary...Clinton? She does have something about her, but what I suggest is this. Try some AA, or other therapy...and for the sake of your family, your reputation, and Yes, I would at least until you get your problem solved. By the way, is this someone impersonating Ted Kenedy? I'm pretty sure that's illegal, especially if you're just trying to give him a bad rap.

Answer 3

If you had not mentioned a name, for the most part I would think you were referring to George Bush - especially when he was in his 40's and 50's. He has gotten a little old now for all that partying but I bet a bunch goes on behind the scenes.

Answer 4

No, don't retire. Have another drink. While in your drunken stupor, just imagine how you will deprive the rest of this country from another great, Kennedy headline in the press if you retire.

Answer 5

Yes Siree..
I do think you should retire from public office and start up a very sucessfull career in Creative Writing.
Who knows, you may even 'gross' milllions.

By the way, Thanks a lot for cheering me up with a sample of your writing.

Answer 6

yes. retire 2 ur room 4 the evening, and think about this when ur sober

Answer 7

I think I NEED to get drunk with you to discover the right answer.,.,.,., Ill bring the beer!!

Answer 8

That is funny. I wonder how many people are going to get who you are. That would have been a question who am I?

Answer 9

My Mom always said "if you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all..unless of course if it's about the bootlegger's clan.

Answer 10

Dick? Dick Cheney is that you? I've told you a hundred times Dick, when your drunk you shouldn't pretend to be a Kennedy. And put that shotgun DOWN! No, Dick, NO!

BANG!

AHHHHHHH!!!!