I'm upset with my fiance and want to know if my concerns are valid.?

Question

Recently he has not been as affectionate and makes excuses for his actions. I know he is not cheating on me. He has been working a lot of overtime, and that seems to be his excuse. He has no desire to communicate and when he does he says hurtful things and then laughs in my face. He has not paid our phone bill (its in my name), our phone got shut off, and he asks me how my credit rating is. He dosent seem to want to touch me when I'm awake, but seems to try to have sex when I'm sleeping. I told him I need a little something while I'm awake. He is accusing me of being jealous when I confront him about these concerns that have nothing to do with jealousy. I do all the cooking for both of us, last weekend he made eggs & toast and sat down in front of me & ate them, then said, oh did you want some? You should have said you wanted something. He did the same thing, same day with lunch. Is this a man thing? Am I over-reacting? Would like some advice.

Answer 1

He's a jerk, accept it now and move on.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE ONCE YOU MARRY HIM.

Answer 2

Honestly, it sounds like this guy is an @$$. My suggestion to you is to read your question, but take a different standpoint. Pretend that you are someone else trying to answer your own question, what advice would you give? If you read this question, what would you think of a guy who was treating his fiance like that? Also, you should sit down with a pad of paper and a pen. Make two columns, one called Pros, and the other Cons. Write down not only the pros and cons of the relationship, but your fiances pros and cons. If the con list outweighs the pro list, you may have found your answer. Don't make excuses for someone who treats you badly, because there is no excuse. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with somebody like this? The very idea that you have to ask if his behavior is unacceptable should tell you that it isn't. As far as him trying to have sex with you while you are asleep, something is obviously wrong there. It's almost like he wants you when he doesn't have your permission, and fiance or not, that sounds too much like a form of rape to me. You cook for him, and he won't cook for you. Not only that, but then he sits down and eats what he's made for himself right in front of you... it's like he's trying to provoke an argument with you. He's not paying the phone bill, even though he's working overtime? He obviously has the money, and if you keep putting things in your name and expecting him to pay for them, you will have bad credit eventually. The sooner you leave, the better. The longer you stay the more you will have invested not only finicially, but emotionally. And this does not sound like the type of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. You deserve a lot better treatment than that.

Answer 3

I agree he is not going to change after marriage. As far as if your concerns are valid, they sound more like feelings. Feelings are rarely rational, nor can they be easily dismissed and everyone is entitled to them! You are trying to make allowances for his overtime which is considerate of you. As far as the phone bill and credit rating thast sounds wierd, maybe he is thinking of quiting his stressful job, but. . . Do you work?
The hurtful things and laughing in your face may be a test or it may be a show of his disrespect. The food thing, well... some guys need to be told directly when you want something so try it next time he is making something!
As for coming on to you when you are sleeping it may be easier for him as he can meet his needs without worrying or stressing over much about what you expect or need. He sounds like he is over-loaded right now or a jerk or both. Sorry, short of communicating, which he doesn't seem to want to do, I have no real advice. Someone answered a question on here suggesting communication through letters, post-it notes, or e-mail, attempt that. It may sound juvenile, but even if he doesn't answer he knows where you stand.

Answer 4

If you are upset it’s valid. I do here some warning bells that you may want to take heed off...

1.) He says hurtful things & laughs in your face. There is a lack of respect there for you as a person and as his finance/partner.

2.) He has not paid the phone bills/phone got shut off: there is a lack of responsibility & accountability

3.) He is inquiring about your credit: There is a foreshadowing of things to come where he will be using your credit to his benefit and if his example is anything to go by soon you will be having credit problems.

4/) Sex without consent is rape. Implied conscent is not consent, ask yourself, do you feel violated by the thought of him having sex with you while you are asleep? This points to a issue of trust and how that trust is contiinually violated on a number of issues

The fact is you teach people how to treat you. You do that by what you accept, don't accept, do, don't do. You must determine your worth and you cannot allow him through his actions and your silence establishes your worth.

Currently he is telling your what you are worth the question you must ask yourself is, is his determination of your worth and value, your determination. Are you in agreement, if not then you got some decisions to make about your life and how you want to live it.

Be realistic, if things are this bad now, do you think it will get better when you are married? Do not hoodwink yourself.

You may not be aware or agree but you are in an abusive relationship.

please refer to the resources below they will assist you in clarifying your situation

Answer 5

I think he wants out. He isn't brave enough or mature enough to say the words and he will just keep emotionally abusing you until you leave,

This guy is behaving like a jerk and will keep doing it. I believe the only way out of this is to get away from him permanently. And don't put up with any crap like that from anyone else, either.

It's time for you to take the best care of yourself that you can and that means getting rid of this nasty relationship. Then ask yourself why you are putting up with this junk. Are you so desperate for love that you will take abuse like this and tell yourself it's love?

C'mon hon, you can do better than that. Start by loving yourself first and end any relationship where someone is treating you in a way you would never treat them. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Some people just want a relationship for what they can get from it--whether it be acceptance, sex, no more loneliness or a free ride financially. No matter what you believe now, there will be other relationships--better and supporting--ahead of you.

But you have to be available for them--AND willing to end relationships that have dead-ended. Sticking around after it's over is only wasting your time and eroding your self-worth. Later on you will pat yourself on the back and say, "Wow, I did great getting myself out of that one!".

Sticking around hoping for change is only hurting you. He knows this hurts you and he doesn't care. A zebra can't change his stripes. Let him take his abusive act on to some other person.

Think about what this is doing to your self-esteem. Not only is he treating you very badly, but subconsciously you are supporting that message that says that you aren't worth something better.

Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you are worth some basic human respect--especially in a love relationship. Then start getting your valuables away from this goofball and save your self-confidence and your heart from toxic stuff like this.

Believe in yourself. You ARE worth more than this.

Answer 6

No, I don't think you're overreacting. It sounds like he's probably too tired to do much in the sex department. But, there is no excuse for laughing in your face and saying hurtful things. He's just trying to push you around. Overall, it sounds to me like he has a serious control issue.

Answer 7

Whether he's cheating on you or not...why is this guy your fiance? Has he always been this way? Is he acting different because he is scared of marriage? My thought is that if he continues this behavior then it's better you get out of it now because he is obviously self-centered and selfish. As the saying goes " I can do bad all by myself! "