What do you think of a dad trying to get in touch with kids after many years?

Question

My friend had twins with his girlfriend when they were 18. He signed off custody then because he didn't know what else to do (they were very premature also and his parents were not available to help.) He was in their lives for a few years, and has visitation rights, also pays support, but the mom took off years ago and doesn't keep in touch. They are now teenagers and he wants to find them but is afraid they have been told negative things about him. Is he a bad father for waiting this long?

He HAS tried to make contact, by sending gifts and birthday cards. He's called the mother's family and they hang up on him. What he hasn't done is contact the courts.

Answer 1

I think that it is better late than never, and it is NEVER too late for him to try and build a relationship with his children!!! He tried to be a father to them and pay child support and do the right thing (i think that is what your saying) and the mother took off without keeping in touch, that is not his fault. I think he should definitly try and get in touch with them, but they may have been told negative things or, depending on how young the kids were when they lost touch, they may have been told that another man (their moms new b/f, or husband) is their father! Since he signed his rights away when they were babies, another man could have adopted them. I still think he should try though because those kids have a right to know who their biological father is!!!

He can try to contact them and start a relationship, but he may not have any legal right to visitation, etc. because he did sign his rights away when they were babies. He should definitly be prepared for the children to be confused and possibly upset that they knew nothing about him (or only knew negative things) and also be prepared that they may not want anything to do with him (though that is unlikely)......he should get in touch and SLOWLY try to build a relationship, not be too pushy about the whole thing, let the kids take the lead, just let them know that he exists and that he loves them and wants a relationship with them and let them take it from there (calling and what not). And EVENTUALLY way later down the road if the kids have questions he can let them know that he thought about them all those years he just had no way of contacting them!

Good Luck and I hope everything works out for the best!! =)

Answer 2

Personally, I think that he was a bad father to begin with. He did have other choices, and he chose to run.

I don't think that they were told bad things about him - they already know the truth. Hallmark cards are 99 cents - and his own children weren't worth the buck for a birthday or christmas card?! Shame on him. It doesn't take another person for them to realize the truth - the man walked away from his own children, and didn't try to be a father to them. I also don't think that saying the mom took off was correct - my opinion is that she went on with her life somewhere else. He could double check the court order, most family court orders specifically say that the court has to be notified by either party of a change of address. IF he's paying support, she's getting the check - and it's not that hard to find them. My guess is that he hasn't been looking.

If the children want to see him, they'll find him. Any age above 12, in the court's opinion in most family courts, is the age that they can make their own decisions of whether or not see their father.

It's the fact that he has a lot of making up to do, if they do wish to see him.

Answer 3

I was in a similar situation, but it was the father that took off. He decided to come back when she was 5, and although i was VERY reserved about him coming back into her life, I know that any child deserves to have a father in their life so i decided to allow it without forcing him to take me to court about it. And it is turning out well so to speak. All he can do is find his kids, and take it to court for official visitation and if the mom has been saying negative things all he can do is prove himself to be a good parent and try to make up for the time lost. And sometimes not being there is the best thing a parent can do, i was glad that my kid's father left for awhile because having a parent so consumed with partying and drugs isnt a good parent. So in my eyes no your friend is not a bad father, just as long as he doesnt continuenot being there for his children. tell him good luck and i hope everything turns out well for him!!

Answer 4

Sounds like he was in the midst of some unfortunate circumstances and that it wasn't his fault he lost touch (SHAME on the mom for taking off). I think he would be a better dad trying to make contact with his children.

Children can be very understanding and forgiving. I think he should definitely try to make contact. It may take some time for the children to come around but eventually they will once they understand.

Answer 5

i think it is good, no he isn't a bad father it is better late than never right? And form what it sounds is if he wants to see them he is going to have to contact the courts or pay a visit to the mothers parents not call and see wht happens.

Answer 6

well whats done is done, but he SHOULD try to get in touch with them. Kids would always wonder at some point in their life.

If he pays support then he should know where they are coz he needs to pay someone . So he should probably contact the mom first . If she is okay, then he can probably meet them. but if they are teenagers , then I believe if he has given up custody rights he does not have permission to contact them (i think, but do check that up)

Again its never to late to mend bridges, so he should meet them

Answer 7

At least he is trying to do the right thing now! I applaud him for that.

Yes, it will be much more difficult after all these years, even if they haven't been told a biased version of the story. They would still have a right to feel cheated out of something all those years. But, just as he has clearly matured, perhaps their mother has matured in that time, as well. I wish him well.

Answer 8

My dad did the same thing with me,and my sisters and brother.see he has 3 baby's momma's.With my mom he has me,my brother,and my sister,then he has one girl by to other woman.And he was neevr there 4 any of us and kinda more for me and my sister and my bro,more then the other 2 but still in and out and cheating on my mom.And this year he broke up with his girlfriend who he left us for years before that didn't want him to see any of his kids,and he's like u wanna meet your sister(my step sister)and I met her and her mom and we all got along good and I have another sister she treats her just like her blood relative,we email every day and I have been emailing my oldest sister and we get along good.And r dad is strting to take us out to eat and to our grandparents on his side.I'm glad I got a dad and know my sisters now.Now I have 1 brother 4 sisters!and i'm the oldest of my moms 4 kids but the middle child of my dads,sorry 4 this being so long but i encourage that man to get contact his kids don't think he loves him and he needs 2 prove he does!i have a lot of hate for what my dad has done but he'll always b my dad and i'll always luv him,and even though i'm a girl i want and need a father!good luck

Answer 9

No, he's not. I'd say he made a bad choice in waiting this long, but wanting to get back with his children makes him a good father. They might have been told bad things about him, but he should still do his best to make amends.

Answer 10

NOT A BAD FATHER AT ALL. At least he's trying to find his kids.
Millions of kids don't even know if there fathers are still alive.