relationship issues...?

Question

My husband recently had back surgery. I'm the only one working right now. I work full time and take care of everything at home, including my 1 yo daughter & 2 step kids. I call him everyday and as how he's doing and I do everything at home or get a family member to help so he doesn't have to. I run to the store 1-2 times a day to get him snacks or whatever he wants and I don't let him try to do things that will make him sore. But he says that I'm not supportive enough, and that I don't show him concern enough. He even got mad a week after he had his surgery because I used my last sick day to go to my grandma's funeral. He said if I had a sick day I should have used it to stay home with him.(I had used the other ones to do that already) we've gone rounds talking about it and no matter what I do for him he doesn't notice. I'm actually even considering a divorce. I get no love at home, at all. any suggestions....

This has been going on for a couple months. Every time we argue he mentions divorce. and later says he only said it to upset me. I've tried not doing anything for him for a day or two.. but that just seems to make it worse. He says, no matter what I say, that the problem is me and not him.

I asked him when the last time he was nice or loving toward me was and he couldn't answer. But then got mad and said that I always make everything about him and that this issues is about me not being there enough for him. The only way I could possibly do more would be to quit my job & stay home, but then we'd be in the poor house..

Answer 1

Make a time to sit down and talk with him---try to do this with as few distractions as possible. Find out what kind of support he wants. Since he's complaining, insist that he be specific. After you've listened to him, then make sure he listens to you. Be specific about the support you are providing, and also tell him your needs. This is your turn to be specific. Write everything down, compare lists, and try to come up with compromises. This might help disarm the negative emotions. Just because he's in pain, doesn't mean he should be disrespectful and ungrateful. You can be sympathetic for his pain, and still take up for yourself. You and your husband are modeling an adult relationship for your children.

Answer 2

You have a few factors here that you may not be considering due to your feelings getting hurt and not feeling appreciated:

1. He has had usrgery, so I am assuming he is on pain killers, which has seriously affect his mood along with his self esteem.

2. His surgery has most likely made him not capable for a while to be a "man", therefore he is needing you to be more loving and sweet then ever. His self esteem has got to be low right now.

3. You are gone more often because you are doing everything, so this affects him and double because of the self esteem issue.

When something like this happens, it can be a huge strain on everyone in the household. You feel taken for granted, overwhelemed, over worked, and spread very thin. He in turn wants more time from you and more compassion and has problably been trying to tell you in little ways but you have been to busy to notice which is totally understandable. Men have a hard time expressing emotion and when they cannot be read or get what they want, most of them will show anger inplace of hurt or crying.

You should sit down with him and calmly tell him that you love him and feel sorry that he has an injury and calmly tell him you are doing your absolute best. Ask him what he wants, andf give him options. Example: Would you rather have more of my time or would you rather the house be a mess? Ask him to tell you exactly what it is he wants from you and be as descriptive as possible. Have him write it down over a period of days. Then, once he has done some soul searching, you two can look at his requests and come to a comprimise.

Don't be angry with him. He has gone through a terrible blow to his ego and self esteem. Imagine not being able to do the things that you normally would do. Imagine that even if you wanted to go to work, you could not. I have been there and it sucks to be the one who is sitting around not helping or contributing while everyone around you is working just for you. It makes you feel incredably guilty and worthless. Talk to him, let the house go for just a little bit. He only got angry about the funeral because he is obviously needing you more then you are willing to give right now.

I wish you luck!

Answer 3

I'm sorry for you and your husband. Your husband can't be the man of the house, and with you wearing the pants in the family right know he feels he can't do anything for you. And you know how men can be, they'll turn everything around onto you, and thats how your feeling. As much as you sit down with him and ask what he wants from you he can't give you a straight answer except that your not there for him. Best thing I would suggest is at night right before bed ask him how your not supporting him. You've been doing everything for him and the family and if anyone needs support it's you. You took on a lot after his surgery.

Answer 4

Is he on Morphine? Sometimes that can make people grumpy, or even violent. When my brother-in-law was on it he acted the same way to his wife. If not, then he is probably just feeling sorry for himself or something. But it sounds like you are doing a great job. Everything that a wife should be doing. Keep up the good work and when he snaps out of it someday he will appreciate all of your hard work and support. It's not always easy being married, each person has to give 200% and do their part. Be a good wife and you'll have no regrets on your end!

Answer 5

Was this always a problem or just recently since the back surgery? He may be in pain and expressing it in the wrong way or he may be milking the situation. He may be upset (feeling helpless) because all of his needs are not being met and he cannot meet them or he may just be lonely. You know him best. Does he have any friends who can come visit him and play cards or something while you do what you have to get done or can some things wait? I agree with getting him outside and checking with his doctor about what he can do. Is he on disability? Can you afford to take advantage of the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) where you are guaranteed your job when you go back?

Answer 6

Instead of him being grateful and appreciative for all you are doing for him, he's resorting to whining and critizing you. If not for you, he would be homeless. If someone like that threatened me with divorce I would tell him go right ahead and leave. I have a job to pay for my stay here and the best I can do is send him out the door with a cardboard box. Maybe the homeless people will take care of him since he thinks I'm not doing a good enough job. So either he knocks the crap off and stops acting like a big cry baby or he goes, what's it going to be?

Answer 7

I think you're husband is being too demanding and inconsiderate. He should be grateful for a wife like you and if he doesn't change his ways I think you should leave him for a trial separation. Don't get a divorce unless you know for sure that you can't work things out. Have you gone to a marriage councilor or anything? And as for the last sick day being used for the funeral, that is awful that he got mad over that.

Answer 8

Your husband is selfish and is only thinking of himself. He is also feeling sorry for himself, because YOU are the one doing everything. He knows he's not pulling his weight, but he knows why, the surgery. But it still affects him because he is a man. So instead of talking to you and telling you how he feels, he is putting his guilt off on you. Bad scenario for a marriage. Tell him how all of this is affecting you and that your doing all that you can to keep the family together. Tell him if he wants a divorce, fine, but don't say it unless he means it. Tell him to take his guilt trip elsewhere and stop trying to make you feel guilty when you are the one working, taking care of the house, the child and him. It can't get any worse, so speak your mind.

Answer 9

Aww, sweetheart, it isn't you!! I think men do this because they are possibly interested in someone else (could that be possible?). They try to make you feel guilty when you haven't even done anything wrong. Is this a forever injury (permanant disability) or will he heal in due time? Since you all are married I would suggest that you have a serious talk with him that you don't feel like he appreciates you. That you aren't feeling loved. If he doesn't seem like he is responsive then tell him you don't think that you can go on like this. If he says anything like "he was thinking the same thing" the it may be time to to make that big move. If he doesn't respond like that, try and talk about resolving this (you all obviously have history).

Good Luck, p.s. you haven't done anything wrong so don't feel as though you have.

Answer 10

Hey!
He is upset about his unexpected back surgery.
He feels desperate and handicapped.
Why do you blame him for that.
You are doing everything you could and you are not doing all the things as a favour.
Tolerate him for some time.
Don't jump to conclusions.
After all life is short, why can't you make it sweet.
Give him some soothing words and show that you really care for him.
Taking divorce is very easy. If the same thing happens to you, what you are going to do?
To keep relationship is difficult.
You will learn by experience.
Time is solution. Be patient man.