What to do?

Question

HB and I been married for 17 years, the last 5 have been bad. Neither of us have been happy. I have been trying to talk to him at different times throughout this time, but he shuts me out or gets mad. So I gave up! Now that he realizes I have had it he wants to make it work. Problem is I do not know if I am still in love with him. I have been on medication for depression and anxiety for the last 5 years now I am at the point of being numb. I don't seem to feel anything. HB thinks I should forget the bad last 5 years and just go on. I don't think I can do that.

During that last few monthst I have been talking to a male friend out of state who is going through a divorce. We have been eachothers sound board. I think we are developing feelings for each other. I know this doesn't help, but I have been feeling so bad for so long that talking to him makes me smile. Any ideas? Plz be nice. I never thought I would be in this position!

2 answer some of your questions, yes I am in therapy. We are both in therapy but not together. I was told not to do the couple therapy until I was sure about what I wanted otherwise I would feel like I am being ganged up on. Which I already feel that way, don;t want any more at this time. HB has issues with anger, negativism and control I really want him to deal with. He doesn't understand why I am hurt and thinks because he is being all nice and lovey dovey now that everything should be alright.
The OG I don't know that I necessarily want to be with him, but I do feel a real need to be alone. To make it harder we have 2 kids 8 & 10, but they have been living in his negative world also.

Answer 1

You're on medications, are you in therapy as well? If not, you should be - both alone and with your husband. Figure out what is missing in your life and in your relationship that is making you feel so down. Quit talking to this other guy until you are sure what you want to do - I know it gives you comfort to talk to him and he puts a smile on your face, but both your husband and your marriage deserve the chance to make things better. It may not work out, but then again, the two of you may be able to rekindle that old flame.

Answer 2

Yeah, the other guy might be giving you the attention and the support that you need throght difficult times, however you are in a vulnerable state right now and can get easily confused and do things that yuo might regret later.
Pen pals are swell as long as you don;t cross that line, through all of this turmoil that you are going through am affair will just add up to the stress. yes, the thoughful words and caring emails might be conforting, and sure, the atention and the compliments are nice to hear and is nice to feel that someone is there for you, but now neither of you is in the position romancing each other because you are both married and you cannot tell for sure what his situation really is.
The thrills of the novelty can be addictive, specially when your spouse doen;t give that to you, but some men can be deceitful and take what they are offered and leave the mess behind. Be careful...

Answer 3

Sorry to hear you are in this situation...but, someimtes we all must face difficult chioces and make tough decisions. You need to ask yourself this question and be completely honest with yourself...If I didn't do this would I look back and regret it later in life? I mean if you decide to stay with HB...will you look back and say I wish I would have at least tried to get together with (the other guy)?? If you think you might say that...then do it now...let him know how you feel and see if he feels the same way. The same holds true for the other scenario...if you go after this other guy...will you look back and say I wish I would have tried to work things out with HB?? I don't think it will be a yes answer for both...deep down in your heart you already know what you want to do...don't you!??

Answer 4

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. One thing to consider, if you decide to leave your hubby for good, the guy you've been talking to may have : #1) been lying to you, and still married, or #2) decided at the last minute that he doesn't want to get with you. These and many other things you're gonna have to think hard about and decide. I've always said that it's better to be single and lonely, than to be married and miserable. Again, this is just my opinion. Another decision you're gonna have to make is if you're gonna leave hubby for good, or stay with him. No one can decide this but you. You have to weigh both sides of it all, the positive and the negative aspects, and any repercussions of your decisions. Try to think things out, be organized, do nothing out of impulse. I wish you the best of luck in your situation....

Answer 5

I believe you need to take care of the problem in your own house before going to another. Your hb is on a guilt trip and isn't take you with him. That's his fault. You need to figure out what it is you want and go from there. I'd make my decision soon before you go outside of your home for affection. If what you say is the way it is then, if i was in this position, I'd end the marriage and take some time for myself before moving on to another relationship. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.
You may not want to be alone however, you also need quality time to sort out what's best for you.

Good luck !!!!!

Answer 6

hey girl, sort of in the same boat with my marriage. Numb!!!! it sucks because we try and try and try and try, we forgive and forgive and forgive. it starts to get old you know, we can't help how we feel, being shut out, ignored, neglected, i mean what to do these husbands expect is gonna happen? well i can't say that you talking to another male is a good thing, but i just know how you feel and that talking to another man or even having them listen helps so much. this is why women have affairs, we seek what we don't get emotionally at home. maybe if your hearts not in your marriage anymore than seperate (trying counseling to restore marriage) if that doesn't work then divorce. (in mean time stop talking to the guy if feelings are being developed, this will not help at all. do things the right way!!!

Answer 7

For your kids sake it might not be a bad ideal to split off for a month or two with out devorce and see what that feels like, if you see that ur kids are happier then surely you'll happy and there be no need to evn go threw hell again with your husban. But if all you can think about is your husban and ur kids seem to miss there dad then u both have to put ur pride aside and some how make it work.

Answer 8

you have so much time vested it would be a shame to give up now.forgetting the last 5 years is not an option those years need to be addressed because how they made you feel.
my ex was on meds for most of our time togther and it added difficulty to the problems we had.
as for the male friend,he represents the opposite of what yoiu have delt with for so long but keep in mind that both of you are vulnerable right now and that will pass in time.
you got married for a reason-try working together to find it again.
best of luck

Answer 9

Think back to when you and your husband first met. You've been together for 17 years. Don't just throw it out the window. I know it's hard, but you have to make the effort to each other before you let the almost 20 past years go down the drain.

Answer 10

Ok well maybe Im wrong, but if the last 5 yrs have been horrible, it appears its not GOING to get better. I would end this relationship right now, instead of just dragging it out and STILL being unhappy in the end. Good luck...