My wife is addicted to making people dependent on her in order for her to feel good about herself. What to do?

Question

She has a great love for children, animals and pathetic people. I'm sure there is a gift in that. But she is constantly bragging on herself and putting other people down, too. I think these traits go together into a pathology of addiction. But I've never heard of that before.

I'm not a dependent person. She tries to do for me and make every decision for me. I let her to appease her. But it's beginning to make me feel like I don't have a say in anything.

If I ever try to make a decision or do something my way, she sulks and becomes aloof. She thinks I don't love her. If I ever express an opinion about a like or dislike that is different from hers, she pulls away and acts angry.

I don't know how to deal with this. I've just tried going along with her and humoring her. But the dependents she has created take up all her time and our money. And she is frustrated that she can't keep doing everything in our household--yet she won't let go of control and let me do some of it either.

Answer 1

I'd seek professional counseling in order to have a mediator voice his professional opinion of where such behavior can end...I've known someone like that and she eventually ended up with so much on her plate she couldn't handle her own responsibilities because she was so busy trying to keep her head above the rising term oil of her friends problems...it literally began driving her crazy..and is a meds to balance out the confusion that exist even to this day.

Answer 2

Hello,
I am so sorry your wife does and feels this way. Seems to me she has a low self esteem about herself and that this makes her feel better about herself and more in control when she does this. I think she may need counseling and help for this problem. You both need marriage counseling too so you can better understand each other. This is a serious problem and she needs help for it and it will only get worse and become a really HUGE problem if this is not taken care of and worked on. Was she abused or hurt as a child? There has to be some underlying reason why she is like this. You have to stop humoring her because that is and continues to enable her to keep doing this to you and this marriage and to others as well. try working with her and make decisions together and neither one of you needs to be BOSS or in control.

Answer 3

Could you help her out with some of her projects? Not just helping in the household which sound like a wonderful gesture. I used to take it as an insult when my husband would do housework because I got the message that I wasn' t taking care of him like a wife should, but eventually realized it made him feel good to do these things for himself. Maybe let her know you feel like you don't contribute anything to the relationship and while she is doing a wonderful job and you appreciate everything you would like to feel useful. Work side by side with her on her fix everything projects and then ask for help with your hobby or project. If it is a matter of wanting to help others she should help herself first, but if she can't do that she should help you first. Let her know that "the only people who use doormats are ones with dirty feet" and while she is only trying to help others you feel they may be taking advantage of her and taking her for granted whereas you do not.
Nobody likes to hear they are wrong, but eventually deal with this in their own way. You cannot take responsibility for everybody's emotions and feelings - they are their own. As long as you say things in a non-confrontations, friendly manner, that is all you can do and she has to deal with her own feelings. Let her know that you are not saying she is wrong and just because you don't always agree doesn't mean you don't love her - differences balance each other out and make life interesting.

Answer 4

If she were doing for others out of the kindness of her heart, that would be great! Since she is putting people down.. If I were you, I would stand up to her and let her know how you feel, you say you are not Dependant, yet you "Humor" her. YOU screwed up by letting her have control. If I were you, I would open my own bank acct. to where she has no access to it, and let her do her little goody-two-shoe act by herself while being a hypocrit! Live and Learn sweetheart.

Answer 5

OMG, this sound just like my sister-n-law, who is a crazy sociapath. I feel so sorry for her small children and her husband. Everything has to be her way, her decisions. I can not understand why a person would want to live under constant dictatorship. She is constantly putting her husband down, and he always lets her have her way. Its sickening! I dont really have an answer, I just had to comment. Good luck, because I would not live like that at all.

Answer 6

well i know what Ur talking about. i am that way at times. it has caused problems in my marriage. my husband pointed it out to me, but until i saw for my self what it was that i was doing it had no effect on me. i am excessive compulsive and controlling sometimes i can not change my feelings but i stop my actions. i would say to find a movie with someone like her and watch it. r if her mother is like that point that out to her. also she may just be keeping up appearances and just trying to make ever one think she is something that she is not.

Answer 7

omg! when i first started reading this i thought i knew you b/c i know someone JUST LIKE THAT!! but, you're wife is not that person....

anyway! i can tell you that the girl, or shall i say woman that i knew apparantly thought everyone but herself needed "saving" and hounded me and others constantly! she was all up in our business and trying to tell us all what to do and stuff and she always called to "check up" and stuff. it got sooooooooooo far out of hand, and i mean sooooooooo far that i felt like i knew these other "pathetic women" she was helping b/c apparantly she was talking about all of us to eachother so much that we recognized eachother on the street and we hadn't even met!!!! how crazy is that??? what i did was just completely ignore her. she'd find me anywhere i was and when she did i wouldn't say one word to her. i didn't know what else to do, she couldn't hear an answer she didn't want to hear. finally after about 6 months, yeah....6 months she left me alone and then she moved away. WOO HOO!! oh, she did it to her husband too. he didn't get a say in anything and personally i think he found what he was looking for somewhere else behind her back......
i am sorry for rambling on like that, and i am sure your wife isn't this bad but i couldn't help but bring it up after reading your post.

Answer 8

do some research on codepency and codependent symptons...

there are some major issues going on here, most of them may need to be discussed/discovered through counseling... if she doesn't want to do counseling, maybe you can try this workbook:
Untangling Relationships Author Pat Springle

i've completed this workbook and it helped me out tremendously...i recall a few chapters in the workbook that deal specifically with what your wife is going through.

Answer 9

You are watching way too much Dr. Phil. You need a hobby such as rebuilding a classic car or something. Stop thinking so much.

Answer 10

remember to thank his spouse for any and each little aspect she does. Make her experience like she does have a decision in concerns concerning the kin or the kin, no matter if that be cooking or raising the little ones. Make her experience smooth sufficient to sugest her personal options of recuperating issues, truly than study each of the time. supply her alternatives, no longer ultimatums. purchase her issues, take her out, make her experience particular.