do i tell ?

Question

I am ashamed and disgusted with myself but a little while ago I went out with some friends and after a lot of drinks, had as one night stand with a guy. I am still with my husband who was violent and abusive for a number of years. I did suffer from depression for a while but,. I am now back at work in a good job, so decided to go out with colleagues. I had never had the courage to go before Before I knew it, they'd all gone and I was left alone with this guy, one thing led to another and, well, need I say more. Nobody knows about this except me and him, obviously. Hes working here away from home so Ill never see him again,didnt even swap no's etc. I honestly dont even think we spoke a hundred words, but I have such a dull ache (guilt) and feel so badly. I haven't told a soul and my OH is not even suspicious. I do love my husband, but I dont know whether to tell him or not. I would like to make a go of the marriage and he is trying hard....please help, any advice is greatly appreciated

Answer 1

OK... you've got to tell him. Yours is not an easy situation, but you've got to be honest with your husband and yourself. I would pack your bag, put it in your car and ask your husband to meet you at a restaurant for dinner.

At a restaurant your are in a safer environment than if you were to tell him in the confines of your home. You need to be honest, because at this point your marriage is over, and more than likely has been since your husband has been aggressive towards you.

Why stay married? don't feel overly guilty about the "affair" if your husband had not treated you the way he did, there would have never been another man, correct? I'm sure your husband is some what expecting you to find comfort in another mans arms, because after all, he was chasing you from his.

If you two have children, find a sitter preferably one of your sisters or brothers or your mom and dad to watch them while you have this "dinner" meeting with your husband. Take the next two days off from work to rest and try and relax. Then see where the pieces fell, and start putting them back together.

If your husband wants to work things out, then go to marriage counseling, do not repeat DO NOT try and work things out on your own. Trust me, it will not work.

Give it a go, and everything will be OK.

Answer 2

Do Not Tell. Your husband was abusive (past tense) so you felt justified acting out. Now you understand the issue with cheating. It brings you down to their level. You feel guilt because you have a conscience. Telling now does nothing but stir up animosity. It could very well start the abuse again. Tell no one. Deal with your guilt. Understand what this behavior does and don't do it again.
Things like this are all symptoms or contributing factors in areas of depression and abuse. If your guilt becomes overriding go see a therapist for yourself.

Answer 3

First of all it should never have been considered cheating, you should have left that a*&%#le as soon as he started to break your spirit. When it comes down to it that is all we have. So I am assuming the guy was nice to you and receptive to something you aren't getting from Mr. Wonderful at home. Do you think your husband ever felt guilty for all the times he beat the crap out of you!? Trying to make a go of the marriage is maybe something he should have thought about before. So the real question is do you want to spend your life with someone who is emotionally detached? All battered women say they stay with them because they love him and that he really is trying to change, but the real question is who are you trying to convince???? Your family and friends or yourself? Take some time to find yourself, and for the love of God keep your mouth sut about the fling, it was one time and you know what will happen, that feeling in your gut is not guilt it sounds like fear!!!

Answer 4

Since your husband is trying hard and you are too just work on your marriage and get past this together . Has your husband stopped being abusive to you? If you are guilty and feel bad about it i have to say against what most people are telling you tell your husband what happened and that you are truley sorry for it and ask him to forgive you. This will eat you up inside if you dont ever tell him. If it were me in your situation i would tell my husband asap and get it out in the open and work on things to get past it.

Answer 5

The only reason to tell him is if you want to hurt him. You need help obviously see a therapist, or if you like a clergyman, but even if they tell you to tell him don't do it. The deeper issue is why you did it in the first place, and that I was drunk thing is a crock, you did it because you wanted to. Wake up smell the coffee you feel guilty because you enjoyed it and want to do it again. So see a therapist and get down to what's inside you. Good luck.

Answer 6

I agree w/titian29. He'll look @ u in a different way, and there will be no chance of him changing for the better. If u want to clear ur conscience that bad, be prepared to end the marriage.

Answer 7

I usually vote for honesty, but in view of your husband's past, it would not be a good idea. You made a mistake, it's done and over. If you have a priest, minister or therapist, you might try talking to them. Good luck

Answer 8

You made a mistake, live with it and allow the guilt to remind you to not allow yourself to get to the point that you will cross that line again...if you tell your husband, and he is anything like me...you would be only a memory...a bad memory...good luck.

Answer 9

Do NOT tell your husband. It might relieve your guilt, but it'll just make him upset, harm your marriage, and worse, he might become violent again.

Answer 10

do not tell him, no matter what, he might harm you, given the fact of his past violence towards you, talk to someone that you trust very much , and that wont spill your secret. good luck with any decison that you make