Tell me what you would do if faced with this situation of male abuse.?

Question

I have been married for 16 years. For at least half of it, it has been going downhill. I just recently came to the realization that I do not love my wife, and that I probably never did... I just married her because she was the first woman who pursued me, and after failed relationships I took what I could get.

Since my son was born 8½ years ago it has gotten progressively worse. When he was one year old, she hit me... hard. Then, three years ago, she hit me again. One year ago, AGAIN... then three weeks ago, a fourth time. She has gotten more angry. This last time she said it was my fault for making her so angry, and I just have to not make her angry.

I have also discovered that to control my son in public, she pinches him. Hard. Hard enough to bruise his arm or leg.

I want out. She's gotten more violent, her temper more out of control. I do not trust her, with me or with my son.

What would you do? Leave, or stay?

In response to some stated concerns... I am not exaggerating the details. Family members and friends, as well as members of our church, have seen her mood change over the past 10 years. Many who were her friends back then do not wish to associate with her now. They have commented that she is very harsh with our son... and yes, she has pinched him in church and his reaction has been overheard.

I want to divorce her, that much is definite. I want out. But I am not using my son as an excuse... mainly, I am looking for suggestions as to the best way to get out of this abusive relationship with minimal risk to myself and my son, and hopefully with minimal harm to her as well. I no longer love her... but she is my son's mother and I do care about her well-being, for his sake. I think that in time, if she gets help, we could become friends again. But these violent episodes scare the crap out of me... I am always wondering what she might do to my son.

Answer 1

The very brief answer: Leave, and quick. At the very least separate until you two can find a way to communicate healthily.

The reason: First I have to address the fact that I am only hearing your side of the situation, her recollections of events may be totally different. However, I can only work with what you are giving me, and if what you are saying is true, then you are living in a situation that is mentally and physically unhealthy. I'll give ten reasons why you should consider leaving.

1) Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer, but wish we didin't.

2) It's dangerous for your son to be exposed to someone who is violent, even if--no, especially if-- that person is his parent. Also consider what kind of example you two are setting for him when he gets older, and starts his own relationship. Would you want him to play your role in his future marriage? Would you want him to play his mother's? What alternatives are either of you illustrating to him? It is a well established fact that most of us mimic our parents when it comes to social dynamics, even when we don't want to.

3) I've been personally involved in domestic violence (my role was most similar to your son's in the situation). I am only saying that so you know that while I am trying to be as objective as possible, I am still drawing upon personal experience, which is always at least a little biased. That being said I noticed that you gave plenty of reasons why you should leave, but none for why you should stay. I'm sure you could come up with some, but I'm willing to bet that they would all be fear based (fear of losing your son, house, income, embarrasment, fear of the unknown,being alone, etc.) Can you think of any reason that is not fear based as to why to stay? If not, what do you think that means?

4) If what you are saying is true then you and your son are victims, and victims have a tendency to be too empathetic, too understanding, and too longsuffering toward those who harm them. I don't know if that is what is going on in your situation, but if it is then you are asking for trouble. Empathy, understanding, and patience are all well and good, but they also have limits. What do you think may happen when you reach yours? You did not specify, but I take it that you are a heterosexual couple. Most males are stronger than most females. Unless there is something uncommon about you two, I presume that you are physically stronger than your wife. When, not if, you reach your limit, and snap, you can potentially do way more damage to her than she could ever attempt to do to you with her bare hands.

5) I do not believe that divorce is the universal answer to marital problems, but if what you say is true, that you don't love her, and probably never did, then I would not only seek a separation, but also a divorce. If a marriage is not based on love it really isn't a marriage is it?

6) If you do decide to stay (I hope you won't, but I know it happens more often than it should), then I hope that you and your family get some serious counseling individually and together. I also encourage you to get others involved, but make sure these are wise people who care for all three of you. The last thing needed is people taking sides.
Another reason for counseling is that it seems that you have some unresolved issues. It is unusually passive for a someone to make the statement "I just married her because she was the first person to pursue me".
Futhermore, understanding yourself better will make you a more wise person in the romance department if it ever comes to that for you in the future. You do not want to find yourself with the same type of person do you? That happens frequently. I cannot begin to tell you how often my mother married "the same man", all of them were versions of her abusive father (reason #3, again).

7) Whether you stay or leave, get the police involved. It is important that there is legal documentation of what is all transpiring. Whether you can admit it to yourself or not, you're going to be living this way for a while if you decide to stay, and if you decide to leave then it will help you getting custody of your child all the more easy.

8) This one isn't a reason to leave, but more of a caution. Stay or leave, do not use your son as a weapon to get at his mother. It may work for a year, it may work for five, but eventually he will wise up (it happens all the time, including in my case) and utterly despise you for the manipulation. It's crueler than the pinching, and as fixated as you may get at his mother, you do not want your own son as an adult who resents you and thinks of you as an enemy.

9) Another reason to leave is that she is still going to be in your life, such is the consequence of having a child together. However, if you are not living in the same house, then you and your son can have breaks away from her...if that is needed. And unless she changes, it sounds like it is.

10) For her sake, encourage her to get counseling and do some serious reflection. Just make sure you don't do this for her. It sounds like she needs it, and you can encourage her without crossing the line into codependency from a distance far more easily than if you were still in the same house with her. I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I am thinking that perhaps she actually senses that you don't love her, and her hitting is an immature way of expressing her frustrating to knowing that she is not loved by her spouse. If this is true, in brings the unlikely emotions of you feeling guilty or sorry for her, then don't. With you out of the way she has the option of finding the person truly for her to be with, even if that person is herself. The same goes for you.

I hope this helps. You are in my prayers.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like the most beneficial way to do this is with legal support. Couseling from a lawyer and someone from child protective services might be useful. Get an official involved in this situation and document the incidents, both the pinching of your son and the violence against you. I know how difficult this can be, especially when child-abuse is involved. The least whisper of the word gets some government authorities to rip the child away so fast it makes the head spin.

You said you were concerned for her well-being. If that is true, would her well-being be better served by you staying and forcefully manuervering her into counseling and treatment or simply grabbing the boy and running? The well-being of your son is at risk when divorce is forced on him. It will affect his self-image regardless of your explanations. It would be better for him, I think, to make every effort at treating his mother's anger before breaking the family. Seeing it resolved might also head off him adopting her anger as a viable technique for dealing with life.

Maybe a separation could be tried with conditions of visitation dependent on her response to treatment. The court could rule when and if she could have time alone with her son. The threat of separation from a child can be a strong motivator towards behavior change.

I know that the realization of not loving her argues persuasively toward leaving, but the balance and well-being of the child needs to be considered. You can get love elsewhere, I trust, enough to sustain you. And who knows who your wife is without so much anger? There might be some pharmacological answer.

This is tough stuff. Good luck with your decision. May you have the strength you need to see you through the hard parts.

Answer 3

Well, I am sorry for your pain and suffering over the last few years and I am really sorry your son has had to go through it! I don't understand how people can change so much in time like that I do understand what you are feeling I went through so much HELL over my last 12 yrs out of a 25 yr marriage I was miserable I stayed through the mental and physical abuse thinking IT would be best for me to go through all the pain just so my kids didn't have to be with a single mom or a "divorcee' " which some people do talk down about. I finally took all I could one day coming home and him getting a metal pole trying to hit me with it ( he was drunk as always) so, I went got my daughter from school and never looked back, almost 5 yrs later we are friends again but, I never will forget some of the terrible things that were done...The best thing for you and your son is to leave her or make her leave you keep the house and the son, I am sure you will get custody and if she is that bad the judge will make it be supervised when he visits her. Make her earn your respect back ...Good Luck to you and you son! God Bless!!!

Answer 4

You should leave and take your son with you. BUT, before you do anything, you need to get proof and talk to an attorney. I would recommend hiding a video camera somewhere in the home to get her on tape abusing you and your son. I personally would do everything very secret. Because when she finds out she will probably explode. After you have all your proof and your attorney has started the process, I would buy some new locks, very sturdy ones and wait until she leaves the house alone and than change all of the locks. When she comes home, do not let her in, call the police and have them serve her with the restraining order and the divorce paperwork. Also, file for sole custody and her visitation should be supervised.

From experience. That is how I handled my abusive exhusband.

Answer 5

I am very aware of what an abusive relationship is like, because I lived it for 12 miserable years. First of all, I want to advise you that it will not get any better if you stay! And for her to also abuse your son is unforgivable! You should keep a diary of everything that she has done so far, trying to remember dates if you can. Also, keep every future incident noted in your diary, because you will need it when you go to court. If you have witnesses, see if they will write out statements, or even testify for you when you file for your divorce. By all means, you need all the ammunition you can get! If your community has a victims assistance program, you should call them, because they can provide help for both you and your son. I, personally, would never leave him alone with her, because it sounds like she is easily aggitated, and out of control. If you haven't done so already, you really should make a report to your childrens services board, so that you can get temporary custody of your son immediately. As long as there is proof of the abuse, they can get the temporary orders for you within the same day! Between Victims Assistance and Childrens Services, you can also get Civil Protection Orders (restraining orders) put into place for the both of you. Once this goes to court, the judge or magestrate will more than likely order her to go to Anger Management councelling. That should open her eyes, and hopefully help her to get a hold on her anger! Please, don't wait until it gets any worse! These agencies are there to help you...all you need to do is make the phone calls! Take care, and best of luck to you!

Answer 6

In addition to the very helpful information provided by "two", I would add that if you call the cops it may be you the one that they handcuff because in most cases, is the other way around and they will act quick and they might get confused.

If you see that your son is bruised, then you are in the obligation to protect him and report her. I will advise you to go to Family Services, you will have to provide evidence of your acusations and they will give you a temporary restraining order until things get sorted out. Be careful, as isolated pinching without harming is one thing and one other thing is consistent physically abusing a child.

Now, if you are just exagerating and you are just looking for a good excuse to get out of a marriage and keep your son, then that would be a very callous thing to do. If she is a good mother and you guys are just not getting along then just divorce and don't use your son as an excuse and don't put your wife and your son to the pain of going thru this just because you don't love her anymore and don't have the guts to say so.

Good luck to you,

Answer 7

well you have alot of time invested in this but for your safety and well being of your child you need to leave and possibly get some professional help with this if you plan on staying with this woman she is an abusive person and she needs help and you need to remove yourself and you child from this how sad i dont understand it either and all i can tell you is to contact an attorney and get advice you can talk about this until your blue in the face but you have to take action to get rid of it i left a very abusive situation about 8 months ago i left a home 2 cars and a life behind and now im starting over it has been rough but i know i will not let this person abuse me anymore and i do still love this person but he is mentally ill and so is your wife she is a angry person and one day honey you may not be so lucky because you hear that people say it gets worse well it does believe me but i feel for you but what about your child you need to think of them first just think about it they are not an adult so if you cant handle it you know that it has to be absolutely misserable for him bless his heart and then guess what he will grow up an abuser and you dont want that do you?just do what is right for you and your son it will get better it is hard but life aint easy sometimes good luck to you and email me if you would like cc

Answer 8

No diff if it was you hitting her this is spousal abuse in other words domestic violnce. DV is not about gender violence but about power. she has got away with abusing you before and so she keeps going as there has been no consequences for her behaviour. This is assault and it is a crime. However I do no that it is hard for a man to go and report such an incident. If you do have an issue re this seek help from a male counsellor. Leave the relationship if only for your own mental health. As for your son he is at risk and her behaviour needs to be addressed as you must be careful that she does not fall into victim role and report you as the abuser. Seek legal advice re custody. she is a bully and needs to be dealt with. good luck

Answer 9

I think if I were in your place, I would go to the child welfare authorities and tell them about this.. Your son is old enough to speak up and tell someone what is happening. Then leave and ask for supervised visitation for awhile before your wife can take him alone. I would also ask for her to undergo anger therapy. Nobody has the right to put their hands on you or your son especially if its in anger. This could take awhile so you should move to a place where you both would be happy and so he can become adjusted to a different life. It wont be easy and she will blame you for everything instead of owning her mistakes. Until she gets help, I would not let my child be with her alone. She will play his emotions and make him feel guilty. Child abuse and spousal abuse is no way to live. Please .....do something..before it escalates and someone is seriously hurt......Be safe ....good luck.

Answer 10

Do you really think that staying is an option?
Have you talked with her about this??

if so and leaving is the only option...a quick call to child proitective services is a great start.
Ask to make an appointment; tell them your story.
This will give them the opportunity to find you shelter.

Always have an escape plan - that includes clean, suitable clothes for you and your son.

Always be prepared to get yourself to a hospital in the event she tries something while you're asleep.

Then once a shelter is made available...
gather up your son and go.

Answer 11

No true mom would do such things to her son. She don't deserve being someone mother at all. Take your son, some where that he could be safe at. Then tell her you want a divorce. So she can't take your son, and haul butt somewhere that you can't find her.
It's rare for a woman to abuse her husband, but not rare for them to do it to their kids. If I had kids, and my husband was doing that to them. I would not kill him, but I make him a woman in an instant. I would give my own life, and my last breath to keep them safe and warm.
Get a darn good lawyer, file for divorce, and get custody rights for your son. Also get a EPO out against her. She is harmful to him and yourself. This might throw her into a bigger rage, but at least you know that your son is well protected.