On behalf of my brother ( a serious issue - no jokes please ) My brother is an army officer posted at the.....

Question

border fighting commanding 300 soldiers directly under him. He came back on leave and found that his wife was having an affair with a fellow officer and someone else. A lot of crap was on the computer too. He has been so depressed since then he has started drinking heavily and wants to go back to the border. Our mother tried to talk to his wife to talk things out with six people being around - her parents and she, my mother, my brother and I. She has refused this offer and also the offer for a divorce on mutual grounds. His wife has made it clear that she will not divorce him but wants a seperation. This is hitting below the belt as she knows he is well off and by not giving into the divorce she will have access to everything he has.I am the eldest in our home have managed to keep him calm as he is too depressed.If he goes back to the border, we are worried he may commit some some mistake that could take take his life or endager those of his men which would spell disaster to all. help!

To extend a little more. His wife has refused to talk things over and she is stying put at her sisters house with no clear idea as to what she has to do. He has provided her with all the comforts including a lovely birthday gift spending one heck of a lot of money on a cruise in the orient. He has taken her wherever she has desired and given her anything she wanted. He does not merit this at this stage in his life ( he is 41 ) as he is due for promotion next month. The attitude he has at the moment could cost him carrer and may just lead him to get drunk everyday. Even through all this he still loves her but she does not to get back. What course of action do you think he should take. I have asked his commanding officer to extend his leave by another 15 days as he is a friend of mine and he has done so. I have 15 days to sort out this with him and his depression. What do you all think I should do in order to get him back into a proper frame of mind. If away he may just shoot himself.

He joined the army long before he got married as we all come from a line of our father and forefathers being in the forces. He joined the army to protect the countries citizens! Now can anyone explain what I can do as my father is no more and as I said I am the eldest male member in the family and have to take the entire onus on myself to sort out the issue.

Answer 1

If your brother has evidence, he needs to charge her with adultery. Tell him to get a lawyer.

Answer 2

Deal with the separation first dont make it complicated by looking further down the track. this is an issue that should be discussed between your brother and his wife and not all the spectators from both sides with theri opinions. It makes it too messy and complicated. your brother is depressed and rightly so he should not return to his posting although he does wish to do so this is perhaps his way of normalising his situation. Get him to a Dr and get official diagnosis then go from there. You are a great support to your brother but he needs to be responsible for his own decsions re his marriage. As for later with divorce the wife has said no, dont forget that even with her misdoings she does have a say re the marriage. And as for the financial side of it she would be entitled to a good share should they divorce any way. at present I would say that there are too many people in this marriage and some need to back off. Eventually with the pressure off they will communicate they will have no choice be it via themselves or lawyers. Right now no 1 concern for you is your brother's mental well being and I suggest deal with that ASAP the best you can in a non judgmental way and no pressure re his marriage. He has enough to deal with right now

Answer 3

first of all i want to say thanks to your brother for doing what he has for our nation.second of all he can get the divorce if he can prove that she did commit the adultry.either by showing things he has printed off the computer that show there has been a relationship between her and other men as well has having the other officer dragged into court saying he slept with her.the armed forces dont think highly of that kind of behavior.for the wife not even willing to talk it out that shows to me that she dont feel its even worth saving.your brother desevers someone better then that.its really hard at first.but with the help that he seems to have around him not to mention the help he could access through the army i think hed come out fine.since we cant say wether he will go back to tthe border or not you may want to try and get him some help now.it would really be a shame to see something happen to a man or the men working under him because of some woman who feels that your desires is more important then the freedom of a nation...if it was that bad for her they make toys (sorry that was not nice).if she needed attention im sure your brother was doing everything he could from where he was at.she needs to stop and think outside the box for a minute how would she feel if it was him in her shoes...its hard i know but god doesnt give us more then he thinks we can handle.not to mention what dont break us only makes us stronger..good luck to your brother...

Answer 4

My ex hubby is a Major in the army. First gather all the evidence you can. You have to make a case against her. Of course she doesn't want a divorce BOQ and free medical turn most girls heads. No fault divorce will not work in this case. Go to the jag office and find out what the state you live in requires for a divorce on the grounds of adultry. Just because she says she won't agree to a divorce doesn't mean he is forced to be married to her. All he is forced to do is provide child support. As for your brothers emotional state, most bases we lived at provided concelors he really needs to go see one, someone who isn't taking sides that can help him sort this out. It hurts when the person you trusted the most doesn't deserve it. It is a hard lesson to learn for anyone. It will not hurt his career to get some help, but you are right if he goes off the deep end that will. You are a good brother, I hope he pulls out of this. BUT above all else go to the jag office and get some legal education. The can't file for you but they can tell you your rights.

Answer 5

Dear concerned brother,

Getting a divorce is a difficult thing to do and the betrayal and deceit is just too much for him to handle right now. I will give you some advice that can help as I've been trough a similar situation.

- Let him speak with a pastor, It will help to vent and let it out and undertand that what has happen. It helps when is a stranger that is not going to judge him, even if he is not religious you will see how this can work wonders and give him some type of confort. Let him be alone with the pastor as there may be some things that he doens't want his family to hear.

-The more he waits for a divorce, the more she'll get. Under recent military law, former spouses are entitles to 2,5% of his retirement for every year they have been married, so is natural that she doesn't want to get a divorce. Plus, she is entitled to the full amount of BAH (Basic Housing Allowance) while they are separated, that is A LOT of money.

- Get a list of lawyers and handed it to your brother, If he is in an Army base, the JAG office has weekly separation and divorce seminars to advice soldiers of their rights and his obligations. This legal advice is free, but he will still have to find a lawyer to represent him im court.

- If his wife was fooling around with another officer, then that is punishable under the Military Code of Justice (UMCJ). What the offending officer commited is a punishable ofense called Adultery, and under military justice, he could be confined and discharged, even if the ofending officer is single . If he can prove it, and has the will to pursue it, he can have the military give him justice.

- A separation paper is just a contract in between the two spouses specifying financial responsabilities, but doesn't give him the lawful right to pursue another relationship, as I explained above, in the military Adultery is punishable under Military Law, even with a Separation Agreement. So I say, don't even waste your time on this, as it just stipulates his finantial obligations towards her and if she s really nasty and finds out that he is with someone else, she can get him in serious trouble and jeopardize his career.

-Even if she doesn't want to get a divorce, it doesn't matter. Depending on the state, if she doesn't show up to court, he can get a default divorce under Irreconcible Diferences. If he can provide evidence of adultery (pictures, video, e-mails, etc) he could file unter Adultery...but sometimes this is hard to prove. If he files under irreconcilable differences, he might have to end up paying for her lawyer too, but it's well worth the expense. Unless there a custody battle, then a divorce shoudld take but 6 months, if both parties agree with the document. He will have to be generous in dividing assets and probably would have to setlle for visitation, but he has to pur an end to this as soon as possible.

Please let your brother know that he is not alone and that it's imperative for him to find and Attorney so he can have the peace of mind to go on with his life.

Good luck

Answer 6

Before I met my husband, he was assigned near Russia. He was in USAF. In less than a year, his wife had an affair with a man who is known to be a loser. He is a drug user. While he was out of the country fighting a war, his wife decided to leave the kids who were 14 and 16 at home and live with this man. She just visits them every afternoon. My husband didn't know what was happening. He was just confused why he couldn't get hold of her. He has to fall in line to use a telephone but just couldn't get hold of her. Few months later, his wife sent him a fax and it was the divorce papers. She used up all the credit cards to set her new place with the man. Took most of the furnitures, bought a truck for a sixteen year old so that he can drop off his sister to school and do whatever they need. My husband was so devastated. They were together for 18 years and he had to take several part time jobs to make it because that woman wants to trade in a vehicle every six months. He loved her so much. Do you know how much? When they were newly married, he was assigned to another country and they agreed that she'll follow him within a year. She was staying with her parents. About six months of separation, the woman got pregnant by somebody else. My husband who was homesick and hopelessly in love with her still accepted her and told her to join him. He thought if he'll forgive her she'll change and be grateful. But what happened was she took advantage of his love for 18 years. She divorced him and asked the court to give her half of his retirement. She even asked him (eventhough we are already married) to insure him and she'll pay for the premium so that --god forbid-- he dies, she'll have something. I am not lying and that's the truth. She has the audacity to do such things because she knows he loves her. She is a user. When my husband met me and we got married, she sometimes go to our house and tell her daughter how my furnitures don't suit to her liking. What I am saying is this, tell your brother that he cannot change that woman. The reason why she just wants a separation is this: She wants the financial side of their marriage. She is not going to change. He can divorce her on the ground of adultery so that she'll not be able to get half of his retirement. Tell him to see a psychologist or therapist, or a minister. There are times that we have problems that are just hard to bear. He'll make it. He'll live. It will hurt, but just for a little while....

Answer 7

This is a very delicate and sensitive situation. All matters of the heart are, and first I must offer you my sincerest condolences. Family matters are the most difficult. Now... for your brother -divorce or not, what to do. His drinking, what to do? His depression, what to do? Wife not agreeing to mutal divorce, what to do? Many questions here. I'll do my best to answer.

First - just because she does not want the divorce does not mean he can't file. FILE now is my suggestion. A separation only gives her more time to add to the marriage and try to undo what she's been doing so it's not brought up in court. Second - marriage counseling if they both agree - but from what I'm reading I feel it's beyond that. I strongly, and I say strongly, suggest your brother file for divorce now. She can come screaming and kicking. Because she says no does not me "he cannot file". FILE!

Your brothers depression and drinking. Wow, it is a difficult time for your brother, and the family. He is lucky to have you be concerned for him. Support him. Let him know how "you" feel seeing him this way. Take it off of the "you". Meaning, You need to this, or your need to that. Rather state I "feel" sad and helpless seeing what you are going through, I "feel" afraid seeing you lose yourself in drinking... then offer your help, and help. Sometimes the best help is a professional, but family support here is essential.

Good Luck to you and your brother.

Answer 8

In most states, it doesn't take consent from the other party to get divorced. One person can file for divorce, and the proceedings go from there. If she refuses to cooperate, then he can obtain a default without her.

Most states also have "no fault" divorces, so the reason why the marriage failed is usually irrelevant. In some states, adultery can make a difference in the division of property.

He needs to get to an attorney. The longer he makes bad decisions based on bad advice, the more he will suffer, both emotionally and financially.

Answer 9

THANKS FOR PUTTING UP A SERIOUS ISSUE TO YAHOO FAMILY, ( I AND MANY OTHER S DO CONSIDER AS A FAMILY FOURM HERE).

Plz do accordingly.
1. Immediately infor m the commanding officer, of your brother. These people have a strict system and chain of command. They will not assign your brother any risky assignment.
2. Discuss the issue with your brother, if possible than with his wife also, and try to find some one else, who can involve her self in your brothers life. That will not be tit for tat, but will be helping your bro to come out of the shock. If ever he is in happy mood, you can lightly has he never had any relationship in his life out of his marriage, and if the answer is yes, than why now is being irritated.
3. Money and women are the basis of ever evil. Try to save your family, by shifting to a far off place where there is no telephone, internet, transport etc. By loosing the contacts you may be able to get back your bro's wife in family.
4. Go to court and show all the records like of computer, phone data etc, some eye witnessess, so that divorce papers can be completed.
5. involve your bro in health activities like of health club, social clubs etc, otherwise the militry men do have their own activities.
6. if you like i can even chat with your brother for further discussions.

Answer 10

He can take any proof he has of his wife being with this other officer to his command and they will discipline him appropriately. He can also file for divorce if she doesn't want to. It takes longer and it's harder but so be it. He needs to put everything in his name and take money out of joint accounts. He still has to give her enough to live on so that his command doesn't get involved with that. Have him talk to a Chaplin on base about his depression. Sadly, they deal with this all too often. Tell to keep his head up high. Depression is very hard, I've been through it more than once. I'll be praying for him.

Answer 11

First let me say this: Tell your brother to get well soon. Alchoholism is tough to break but I know if he tries he can do it! Obviously his wife is not loyal, you should insist on divorce. About your brother, get him into therapy!!!! Therapy really works(so I've been told). To help him break his habit, try not to drink around him. Tell others this ,too. If you are worried about him commiting something, pull ihm from the army. If you can't do that, see if you can extend the time he has at home with his family. If he goes int otherapy, give him your support! Hope I helped!