Please help!?

Question

This is a really complicated and personal situation, but I really need help. In short, I know that my father is cheating on my mother (his wife of over 25 years) and I have already confronted him, but I just found out that it is still going on. I know that my father has been diagnosed with sexual addiction and I am pretty certain that he is seeing several women and not one single relationship. I have asked my mother in the past if she would want to know if my dad were cheating (just hypothetically) and she said "no", but I feel as if I absolutely have to because she could be at risk of a disease. I am just sitting here crying and feeling like anyway I go about this things will be horrible. I know my dad is not going to stop because I have already spoken about this with him before. If I tell my mom I could break up the family and if she doesn't do anything I might be so angry with her. Any suggestions PLEASE!!! I am desperate for any help I can get! Thanks

Answer 1

You mom said, "No".

She probably either knows or suspects and has made her decision to stay with him, but doesn't want it thrown in her face.

They may even have some sort of "understanding" that they do not care to discuss with you.

Answer 2

you said: If I tell my mom I could break up the family- Hold it right there- your dad is the one that is destroying the family. He is the one that is causing all the pain. Your confronting the issue is not going to breakup the family- Besides- what kind of family bond is there if you all run around pretending that you don't know what your dad is doing?

You also said: If I tell my mom and she doesn't do anything I might be so angry with her. You should be angry with her if she does nothing about it. And if you choose to tell her- you should also tell her how it makes you feel, and why she should do something about it and how it would make you feel if she didn't do anything about it. It is not just about her, but it is about you too- you need to tell her how your dad's actions are making you feel and how her choices affect you as well. It might be painful- she might get mad (denial is usually the first response to this kind of shock-and after denial comes anger- but after anger comes acceptance and then grief). We have to get through them to heal. It isn't healthy to run around trying to decide what to do based on how someone else might react- you need to do what is right regardless of how others react.

Again, your dad is causing a lot of pain for your family, and if your mom chooses to not face the pain it isn't going to go away- sure you can all pretend that nothing is happening, but the only way to get somewhere in life is to face the fears and pains that we have and DO something about it. Not only that- but when people choose to pretend that something like this isn't happening it is like telling the offender that he has a free pass. "well my wife must know by now and she didn't do anything so it must not be hurting her' and my daughter knows and she didn't do anything so it must not be hurting her either".

I know you are probably feeling a lot of pain and frustration- but if you really care about your mom and dad- then you should help them learn how to deal with this. I would rather have a broken family that is honest with each other than a family that pretends to be together but everyone on the inside knows it's just a facade.

I am sure that telling them is not going to make things easy, yes there may be a divorce or some other very painful concequence, but I have to believe that once the dust settles everyone will be better off.

Answer 3

After being married to him for over 25 years, she already knows, believe me, she knows. Sometimes wives would rather put blinders on than to start over...as the thought of being alone scares them too much and they feel they just can't do it. Some people live with the "ignorance is bliss" mantra so they don't have to deal with the pain and loss of their marriage. And bottom line she may just truly love your father so much she'd rather share him than give him up. This is their love relationship...let them figure it out themselves. Don't say anything....or just drop a couple of comments eluding to the fact that he is cheating. If she truly doesn't know then planting a few seeds may open her eyes. Just don't come flat out and tell her. It's devastating to hear it from your own child.

Answer 4

It is a difficult situation...You said that your father won't stop, so I do not think that telling your mother will solve anything. You would only break her heart. I also think about another thing: maybe they do not have sex too often, so he goes to other women ( I understood he is addicted). I do not defend him, but if you tell your mother, she will be broken for nothing; she can not solve the situation...Try to speak to your father and ask him how often do they have sex and why he goes to other women when he has your mother; tell him to try something new with your mother, something they liked when they were young, suggest him to go with your mother somewhere in a week-end..."wake" his apetite for your mother...good luck :*

Answer 5

Leave alone, they are your parents, but it is their relationship. You Mother probably knows full well what is going on, and is taking the risk of staying.

Although painful, you need to let go of your parents and allow them to lead their own, imperfect, lives in the same way that you would hope they will do the same for you.

Answer 6

She told you she didn't want to know about it from you. Therefore, as hard as it may be, do not tell her. Do not even tell other people who might tell her.

She most probably knows what her sex-addicted husband is up to, and does not want her daughter to confront her with this shameful secret. Respect her with to maintain a semblance of dignity.

Answer 7

I agree that this may be a situation that they have worked out for themselves. Maybe your mom is not interested in sex and this works out for them both. It will be hard to do, but let them work this out. Love them as your parents, leave the judging to a higher power.

Answer 8

I would just leave a letter in a blank envelope stating the facts and she may choose to believe it or not.

Answer 9

Hi friend u adjust ur maximum because he is ur father

Answer 10

it sounds like ol pops is just a horney toad...and likes to hop from pad to pad.......if mom knows ...then u need to butt out . maybe they are swingers and pops just trying them out...???....????