My husband isn't helping enough and...?

Question

I am 7 months pregnant with my third child (others are 4 and 2) and I am BEAT. The kids trash the house faster than I can clean it, I cant lift or bend because it causes contractions and I am already feeling very close to preterm labor. I am crampy and sore a lot and I know this isn't good. My husband is "married" to his job and is often late, when he does come home he eats dinner and goes to sleep. I need help and I am not getting it. Yes he helps cook and does some lifting and all, but tons more is not getting done. If I ask for help he acts like I am asking way too much and starts nitpicking everthing I am doing wrong. I don't have friends or family nearby because over the last year everyone has moved away.
I am so tired of trying to make him understand how hard it is to be so pregnant, rasing kids ect. How can I get him to help me and understand the situation (which he seems ignorant to) without causing more fighting?
Please help!

We are not wealthy by any means. Part of the reason for the constant mess is we are a family of almost 5 in a 850sq ft cabin. We cannot afford a maid. I did hire a mother's helper to entertain them, but she flaked out.
I understand that he works & I do apprecieate that. When his day is done at 5:30 & I don't see him till 7:30 because he was "talking shop" (drinking beer) heck yeah I'm going to get upset! I'm not asking him to do everything, I'm asking him to HELP with things that are his job anyway, like taking trash, lifting boxes etc. I did it myself, now I am paying with my third contraction in 30 minutes. He refuses counsling. I can't go stay with my mom or I lose medical benefits by leaving the state.I have NO FAMILY that can come & help. His boss is coming tomorrow, it must be done. All he has done is put the trash into the trash can so a bear doesnt get into it, I bagged it, I took it out, I did EVERYTHING & he slept. Thats why I asked, I don't know what else to try anymore

Answer 1

I'd Print OUT this question and then print out all the answers and put it in his luch bag..
He seems like he's stressing and he needs to be more sensitive to your needs. As for the kids trashing the house...PACK EVERYTHING UP and lock it away..Keep only a few toys for them ANYTHING to make your LIFE EASIER..
Keep putting things AWAY until you can keep up..
LAUNDRY...Count out socks & underwear..and shirts for the kids
PUT EVERYTHING ELSE AWAY..
Minimise..AND then theres the BIG GUNS GRANDMAS coming to visit..since your too busy to help me...MY MOM or YOUR MOM is coming to stay...SEE HOW HE LIKES THAT...

Answer 2

ok his boss is comming tomorrow well u make him do the work or let your house stay a mess!! tell him that u cannot do it alone and if he wants it done he needs to do it at least the hard stuff. and then i would find out from a doctor or whoever u can about getting one of those fake stomachs the ones that weigh a lot and make him wear that a while and let him know how it feels to carry a child.maybe then he will be a little more understanding. Also check into the state helping with a daycare to give u a little break before the new baby arrives and by the way who is gonna take care of the two u have while u r having new baby? He is being very selfish not to give u a break tell him it is not all fun and no work that yes he has a job but it does not stop there that he has a family and that means work at home and he needs to be there and help out and that if he cannot step up to the plate and be a man and help out with family stuff then u should leave cause there r lots of men out there willing to be there. good luck

Answer 3

While your feelings are normal, please don't lose perspective of what your husband is doing for you. The very fact that you mention he does cook and help a *little* speaks volumes about his marriage to his job. If he's working as hard as you say and still comes home to cook and help a little, he's not a bad husband. It just sounds like you two aren't communicating effectively with each other. If you're "fighting" about it, you're just not communicating. Maybe going to some counseling would help? Whatever ya do, don't let resentment grow, it's a marriage-killer.

Also, parenting books have helped me a lot. Read some of those. And, ask your husband if he'd "help you out" in the ways of letting you get out even once a month to join a group where you're meeting like-minded women to befriend. There are lots of ways to get connected with others to vent and ask for advice (even possibly help you out in a bind). You can't do it all by yourself. And, your husband can't put in a 50-60 hour emotionally exhausting work week and be expected to do it either. Ya'll have to figure out how to make it work for the both of while keeping a loving attitude toward each other. If you forget mutual respect for each other you're modeling bad behaviors for your kids, which could bite you in the behind when they hit teenage years.

Answer 4

At this point, don't sweat the small stuff. Lots of things can be put off until later. Do ONLY what has to be done. Remember women have been going thru this since the beginning of time. I was told "One hundred years from now, who will care that your house was dirty when you were 7 months pregnant" Try to stop and enjoy these times they pass very fast. Sit on that sofa for a while and just hug the kids. Best of Luck

Answer 5

Talk to your husband alone without the kids around and explain to him that you are at your breaking point. Tell him how much you appreciate him supporting your family and providing for you, but tell him you are just not physically able to get everything done that a mom/housewife/wife needs to do. Maybe you could suggest having someone come in to help you clean the house once a week and see if he is open to that. I feel for you! I know it has to be extremely hard!! Best of luck!

Answer 6

OMG!!
He's a man and he just doesn't get it.
There's a joke about a woman with young children who got fed up with her husband when he would come home and say "What did you do all day?" and then begin to nitpick....anyway, he comes home one day and the house is trashed....the kids are in their pajamas and toys are everywhere...........the kitchen looks like the kids fed themselves and they had a great time. He's appalled and looks for his wife who is laying in bed watching soap operas doing her nails and hair and he says...."What's going on? She replies...."you know what i do all day? well, today i didn't do it." (unfortunately, I would try a stunt like that and someone would call cps on me! or one of the kids would get hurt, etc) Anyway how do you make him "get it"? I don't know. I think I would take care of the kids and whatever else I could and if the rest didn't get done...oh well....if he needs clean underwear that badly, he can do wash or go buy another package....what about a housecleaner or just a teen to play with the kids (and clean up after them) so you can get something done? Even if you just get a nap....it'll make you less stressed and worried about what is not done....it doesn't seem to bother him that there's dust bunnies on the floor....and if it does he knows where the vacuum is!

Answer 7

You need help with your chores, remember that you are 7 month pregnant. Hire a nanny to help you while you are pregnant and to help you when the baby comes. With a newborn you'll be less able to attend your family. If you can't hire a nanny ask a family member like you mother or your mother in law to move in for a few days to give you a hand at the end of your pregnancy.

Answer 8

Can you afford to hire some part time help? I don't know that you can get him to see it your way. My husband is a fighter pilot in the air force and he's also 'married' to his job. It's difficult with these guys. With me, I was attracted to his drive with his career - I am sure that a part of you was, too. You have to take care of yourself and this new baby as well as the two that you already have. Another choice is counseling. Do you have family around that can come over and help? I have been in your shoes! I have three kids, too. I am lucky because the wives in my community are very supportive of one another. Good luck to you. I hope that this helped a little!

Answer 9

I don't know if a man can ever understand the toll a pregnancy takes on a woman to be honest.
I feel terrible for you but I don't think there IS an answer to this question...

Men seem to react to "need" so instead of a fight try telling him how much you need him around and need his help (but be VERY specific). I don't mean this rudely or condescending but play to his ego and see if that helps.

Answer 10

You need to make him listen! Don't cook him dinner and when he comes home tell him that you need to talk and use Dinner time as "talk time." Try not to stress so much (for you and your baby's sake), and just remember that God is always watching over you. Have you tried attending your local church or other place of worship? This may be the place to meet new friends and grow spiritually. Good luck and I'll be praying for you!!