Should I divorce my husband?

Question

My mother has became very sick and i need to move to take care of her. I have 2 kids a 14 yr old son who does not belong to my husband and we have a 4 yr old son together. At first i thought my husband was going to move with me now he says he is not going to move at all. He is also a paramedic but does not have to work because he Is a disabled vet and gets a good pension every month. He volunteers for the fire dept where we live now and i work full time as a paramedic. My 14 yr old son is not happy here where we live and i dont blame him we live in a apartment. I want our kids to be able to have a yard to play in and i want to spend what time i can with my mother while she is still living. My husband does not try to be a father to my teenage so either i am at a loss as to what to do.

my mother does not want to move here with me because she has other grandchildren where she lives. My brother has alot of kids that she does not want to leave and my dad as well. My dad is not in good health either. I live about 5 hours from my mother. I have talked to my husband about this at first he agreed now he says no. Thanks everyone for all your answers.

Answer 1

It is easier for us to see the real answer or at least close to the mark. from what you told me...reading between the lines i would hazard to guess he has a coworker in the fire department or somewhere else in his daily routine that he has a serious interest in . If his love for you is greater...he will follow you and it will depend on rather or not you forgive his indiscretions or not.
If all that is not the case he holds his friends in higher regard than his family. In which case that will simplify it for you.

Answer 2

you must be from a nationality that highly honors older people. Nothing wrong with that. But, if you are married that relationship needs to be number one. You teenager will probably never be happy no matter where he goes and it is definatly NOT his job to relocate the family. He is a teenager- seems like every teen goes through a difficult time. Get a house, not becasue your son wants one but because you guys need one. It is not your job to make your mother's last years happy. You two cut the cord long ago. You can love her, talk to her on the phone, visit her......but right now you have your own family.
It is hard to make a step father be a father to a teenage boy. It may never happen. Your expectations might be very distructive in their relationship. You are the primary parent to this teenage boy. It would be different if the child was a new born, then he might be more of a parent. But older children don't always connect with the new dad. You don't say how far away your mother is. If any one moved it would be her if she needs care and not have anyone locally to care for her.
You have chosen to be married. It is a commited relationship. If you are wondering about divorce JUST to be near your mom, then there is something really wrong here. If the marriage is bad and there is NO hope of healing it, then after you have done all you can do to fix it and it just doesn't change, then think about divorce.
Do some reading about stepparenting. Also get some counseling. You just have this one shot of being you at this age, which includes your husband and two children.

Answer 3

It seems (and I do not know you or your husband so I mean it when i say SEEMS.) as though your husband is being a little selfish. I am not married so as far as the dynamics are concered, I dont know what is what. However, I could not imagine being with someone who blatently abandons me in my time of need. Right now you need him dammit! You are making a life altering decision by having to leave your home and go care for your mother. His love and support is really needed right now. Perhaps you should try communicating this with him?

You did say something about he isnt moving?? My guess is you already gave him the benefit of the doubt and discussed this with him fully. You have to seriously ask yourself why the man you are married to, the one that is supposed to love you isnt planning on going with you?

Ok...lets simplify...your mother was there before this man...and will be there after this man. You "owe" her more of your loyalties than you do to him. Obviously he doesnt care. Go take care of your mom and enjoy her company while you have the chance. Let your children enjoy a better life.

Answer 4

A divorce is a very personal thing and depends on how you feel and if YOU're happy. Is he abusive verbally, physically, or emotionally? Is he neglectful? Is there any way for him to move where you are and buy a house so you won't have to live in an apartment, and work there with the EMS? Most importantly do you still love each other? Are you 2 happy together? I know you need to take care of your mom and spend time with her while you still can. It is sometimes hard for a step parent to care for a child that is not theirs, thankfully my father loves me as if I was his. My parents got together when I was 6 weeks old. They were together for 18 years. I went by to visit one day and my mom was packing her things and said she was leaving, I asked When are you coming back? she said she wasn't. she packed her car, gave me a hug and left. she moved in with her brother until she could afford her own apartment. It was extremely hard on me and my 2 brothers not to have our parents together. My brother Shane thought about suicide but found Jesus instead and is now going to the Texas Bible Institute to become a Pastor, Timmy kept everything inside and still does, but he started UTI today and getting life together as he wants it. We all get along with my mom and my dad. Now 6 years later they finally get along and can talk to one another. My mom was not happy and did not love my dad anymore and wanted more out of life. My dad was happy with my mom, still loved her and tried to give her everything she wanted but most of the time he couldn't. they are both happy now. So like I said a divorce is personal and you need to talk about this with the kids, don't just leave like my mom did. me and my brothers are still hurt by the way she left without warning. Godd Bless You, and Good Luck in your decision.

Answer 5

Divorce is never the right solution except for cases of abuse or infidelity. This will hurt your kids quite a bit despite what their relaitonship may be with him now. Recognize also that you may be teaching your children that marriage doesn't hold much value to you and that they may internalize this and believe it. You are always setting examples for your children, whether positive or negative. I would try to work out the logistics if I were you. Maybe do what the other person said and try to move her to you so everyone is happy.

Answer 6

You need to tell your husband how you feel and why you feel it would be good for your family to move. Since he volunteers thats something he can do no matter where you move. You should explain to him how important it is for you to be there for you mom.
If he is still adamant about not moving then maybe you could move with your kids to be with your mom and then visit your hubby on the weekends - this will put a tremendous strain on your marriage. If he loves you he will understand that your mom means a lot to you - and he should understand why you want to move and go with you.

Answer 7

Wow That is a deep question.....

If I may since you asked....
ask your self these simple questions

1. Do I love my husband?
2. Could I live without him?
3. Would I be better off without him?
4. Would my children be better of with or without him?
5. Can I take a leave of absence from my job And still stay with him? Or is he worth staying with?

I did not ask anything about your mom because by all means you need to be with her......

You might be able to take an extended leave from your job and still remain married if that is what is best for you and your children............

Answer 8

It seems you are bogged down with problems and problems, and most of them are not at all serious. You seems to be hasty-in-taking decisions, and too much thinking type (for no reason at times).

Be calm and quiet, and think which is for good and which lead to bad (precedent) before taking a 'firm' decision. Deep breathing exercises and even 'meditation' will help you to calm and cool you down.

No one can solve all the problems at one go. Look at each problem seperately and think for solution. In this jet and cell phone age, no one will come (at times) forward to solve our problems. But keep in mind that no one is alone in this world. Try to manage your life, and try to manage/ tame your people, that includes your husband, mother, and a chain of others. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN, YOU CAN. You will definetely be a winner if you can change your life style, attitude, views about others, and so on.

Answer 9

where is the coming togetherness? it appears to be some selfishness here the two of you need to sit back down and talk about this problem again. for one i don't believe in any broken marriages whatsoever. But the two of you need to come together for the sake of the kids. and your husband needs to understand that your mom is very sick, and if the shoe was on the other foot i'm guiet sure you would not have a problem on following him and being with him if his mother or father was sick. please once again compromise.

Answer 10

Try getting your mom moved to your town and take care of her there. If that doesn't work then discuss matters with the husband and tell him you at least tried to make things work, If he says no, then you might be faced with a problem, but only then. Step by step is the key here.

Answer 11

Majority rules and if you and your teenage son want to move and you need to be with your mother then go. Don't tell him you're leaving him only that you have to go for family medical reasons and let things take their course during your time apart.