Should I go after what I can't have?

Question

I have a friend who is going thru a certain situation and has ask me to post on her on her behalf. She has a best friend, female, who she considers a blood sister, nothing the two wouldn't do for one another. Her best friend has a boyfriend who is extremely sweet and treats her, herself, like a human being, opposite to how other guys have treated her in the past so you can tell she holds a special place with him. The thing is, her best friend treats this guy, her own boyfriend like complete ****. She is extremely abusive physically and verbally. It's gotten to the point that her boyfriend is fed up with her but on the same note can't bring himself to leave for he loves her too much although at times his girlfriend doesn't acknowledge feeling the same way about him or as strongly as he does. My friend, the girl this question is about, watches all of this, from afar and up close and she's quite sick of how he's treated and feels she can do him better.

She feels that, not in a sexual way, she can be better for him but she can't exactly go against her best friend but she also can't ignore the feelings she has for this guy which is tremendously strong. What is she to do? What can I advise her to do? This guy runs to her for everything, more then his own girlfriend. Should she go for him or just stay back and stay out of this fire before she hurts the relationship with her bestfriend. Do you ignore your feelings or do you embrace it at all cost?

Answer 1

She needs to talk to her abusive friend and let her know that she's not treating this guy right and could lose him if she continues. She should NOT pursue her friend's boyfriend. When he gets tired of it, he'll leave. Then your friend and her boyfriend will both know 100% that it ended because of the abuse and not because of you. They will both learn from it - he won't fall for an abusive woman again and she won't treat a man that way again. If that sweet, well-meaning friend of yours interferes with their relationship in any way, the only thing they will remember was that she got involved and everything went to pieces. The guy will never learn to stand up for himself and walk away on his own, and the abusive girl will never have to be accountable for her terrible treatment of this guy. In time, the guy will eventually leave his abusive girlfriend, and when he does, your nice friend can make her move. He'll probably be more attracted to her this way too, because he won't have any feelings toward her that his breakup was her fault. He needs to do this on his own, to grow from it and be stronger. Let him fight his own battles and when he's ready, he will end the relationship and will be available for this nice friend of yours to start fresh with - and both will know that she was never at fault for any negative things in that original relationship.

Also, by talking to her friend about not being so abusive, she can honestly say she tried help and will feel better about herself as a friend for doing so.

Answer 2

She can't do anything about it. Studies have shown that people who are in an abusive relationship are in it because in reality they do like it. Battered wives who get beaten by their husbands on a daily basis don't always stay because they are afraid of running away, its a norm that they are accustomed to and need. It's sad but that's also reality. As an outsider your friends doesn't really know how he feels. He is staying with that abusive girl because he wants to, because he wants the abuse. Whether you believe me or just think I'm a nutjob, do your research, if your friend gets involved, she'll just be ruining her friendship with her friend and ultimately lose everything in the process because he will not leave his abusive girl for her. She can't offer him what he wants. No matter how others see it, the abuse is actually validating his relationship with her and that is what he is seeking.
Everyone is saying that you should talk to this friend and have her tell the abusive one that she is treating her guy wrong and that she should stop...why is it that you all think that? If he didn't honestly like it and want it to stop, he will do something about it. Who knows maybe he's a masochist. Don't be so quick to put judgement on the abusive girl, THEY might actually have an understand which othersiders might not know of. Don't consider your norm always the same for others.

Answer 3

Your friend is treading some dangerous waters. She needs to have a long talk with the girlfriend and let her know that she's doing all the wrong things if she expects to keep this guy. Check her out see if she really is as into him as she should be. Let her know there are other women willing to take him off her hands if she doesn't straighten up and fly right. NEVER NEVER NEVER make a play for your bestfriend's man no matter what. Now If they break up then let some time pass and approach the subject with the girlfriend see if she would be alright with her bestfriend dating her ex boyfriend. It will save you alot of confusion and maybe a bestfriend

Answer 4

Did you ever read The Courtship of Miles Standish by Henry W Longfellow ? One of the lessons in the book is that you should not speak for someone else. Your friend should post her own questions. When you entangle yourself in other people's business you sometimes get caught in the middle.
Your friend is not being a friend to her friend. She is getting ready to cross the line. A cardinal rule of life is : NEVER BETRAY A FRIEND. The best advice to give your friend is, "Distance yourself from the boyfriend at all times. If he is interested in you, he will call you, but you cannot talk to him until after your friend has given her okay."
It is hard to trust people when your friends are questionable. Loyalty, faithfulness, and honesty are character assets. You have to earn them. Good luck !

Answer 5

i've been in a similar situation. he needs to dump the girlfriend and possilbly slowly ease into a new relationship with this friend, but over a very long time, like 3 months at the quickest. it would have to be only if the girl and the guy were willing to cut ties with this bestfriend/girlfriend.

Answer 6

I know it can be hard but she should just start by being his friend and stay talk him and then wait for him to talk to her and then she can give him advice to leave the abusive girlfriend because nobody deserves to be treated like that once he makes his decision she should go for it if he leaves her if not then just move on So GOOD LUCK

Answer 7

the girl probably does not know how to handle certain situations because of the way things were in the past,, she needs a good scare,,, she needs to think he will leave her , maybe he should for a little while , so that she can get her act together and maybe go to some anger management classes.

Answer 8

I would get away as fast as she can, sound like to a soap opra, belive me there is drama in every relationship but this sounds rediculis

Answer 9

she should just stay out of it. Best friends can not have a relationship

Answer 10

Don't get involved, he's in his shoes and she's in hers. you should stay in yours. You'll make things worse for them and you if you try to take something you cannot have. it's their relationship and if he wanted out i'm sure he knows where the door is. if you like him... be his friend and support, don't squeeze in or manipulate the situation to make it work for you. that's uncool. just be you. and if it's fate... it'll happen.