How should the "care of your aging and ailing parents" be divided amongst siblings?

Question

the other day i visited a senior care center and was depressed for many many days seeing many of the older people's state there. Some of these folks kept of hollering for medicines, someone needed a bedpan, somene else was crying out loud with some sort of pain, somone else just sat there with that blank, lost look in their eyes it made your stomach churn! These folks who once nurtured their sons and daughters all their lives, provided them with everything 'possible' to enrich their kids' lives ( notice i said 'possible' because every parent conceivable tries to do the best for his or her child) and made them capable of living on their own. But now that the parents are old, they are left in 'nursing homes' where someone else - a stranger - could take care of them in their time of need. At least that's what the assumption is. But if we cannot take care of our own parents, how can we expect a stranger to take good care of them? and what about the love and care? can the nursing home employees provide them the love and care that they "deserve"? anyone has ideas about a different setting than the existing structure of nursing homes?

I am in agreement with so many of you and the time for this "question" to stay up is coming to an end today! So I have been debating if I should choose a "best answer" or not .. I am not going to because there are more than one good answer here.. At the gist of all is much needed compassion and respect. Regardless of our differences with our parents, i believe we should be able to devote some of our lives to make their ending years a bit more relaxing and worry free! having them live in an attached home next to you appeals to me more than any other arrangement but that may not be feasible in all situations. So wherever they are at this time, lets be nice and call them or better yet, visit them, listen to them. Without having done anything for them, going to their funeral and shedding a few tears will only eat at us our whole lives. Bringing up kids who have compassion and respect for "needy" will definitely change this scenario. Thanks to all for replying.

Answer 1

Legalize euthanasia --- we don't have aging and ailing pet homes.

Answer 2

caring for the elderly is a BIG task. i've been there for two grandparents. if there are multiple children, it's best to have the most capable one be the permanent residency. it's better if the parent can feel like they have a home and are not being shuffled around. but, the other kids should try to take the parent for extended "vacations". they are able to spend time together, and it gives the primary caregiver a break (that is much needed). if the parent is not mobile, the other kids should come to stay and help out.

assisted living homes are a great alternative, but are expensive. nursing homes should be the last resort. i think the nurses generally mean well, they are just understaffed, underpaid, and overworked. it's a pretty overwhelming environment, so that has to be taken into consideration.

Answer 3

There are some cultures where failure to take care of an ailing parent can be punished by death.
In the past, people would have their houses, with a little wing off to one side, called the "Grandparent house." I believe the Amish still do this. It was like an apartment, so the grandparent(s) could have their own place, but it was close, and they all ate dinner together, and the grandkids could go visit them frequently, since they all lived in the same place. I think it's a great idea.
My Grandma had 13 kids and most of them live an hours drive away at least, so she doesn't see them as often as she would like, but she is now moving to a seniors lodge, its for seniors who don't need quite as much care, but its not all that homey.
Still, she could make friends if she wanted to.
I personally think she should move to where my parents live, because everyone loves it when she visits. theres canasta playing and she always makes soup. :-)

Answer 4

With the baby boomer generation aging rapidly and with their sheer numbers, you should have a lighter heart. I say this because this generation is well on their way to creating senior communities where independent living is real, but within an environment (street or subdivision) with age similar residents. These communities will offer watch programs, on site nursing/doctor care, and support for neighbors. Many places in FL and AZ are moving in that direction. Interestingly enough, the baby boomers are also a part of the ME generation who created the very culture of mis-care/no-care that they now face themselves.

As far as dividing up responsibility among siblings - that is for each family member to decide. Nursing care / hospice care is a difficult choice for many people - but also a necessary one in cases of dementia where 24/7 care by a family member isn't an option (safety reasons). Every child has a role to play in the aging of their parents, however, some will just not make the right choice. I am fortunate in that my sister and I feel very similar in decisions regarding our parents. In some ways she will bare a lot of the burden due to proximity, but I feel I have a duty to rearrange my life so that her burden isn't very high for very long.

Answer 5

Kids should take responsibility for the care of their elderly parents. It's the least we can do for them, as you say.
Ideas: a small attached home or apartment to your own home, where you care for them yourself, if possible, or have in-home care if you and your parents can afford it.
Get the other siblings to help pay for such a set-up.
At the very least have them live in a "nursing home" near you, so you can visit them a LOT. My grandparents live in an assisted living complex about a mile from my family, and someone in the family spends a couple of hours with them every day.

Answer 6

Where the aged have no siblings to take care of them, it becomes the responsibility of the government to look after them till their end. Whereas, where there are siblings, they have a moral responsibility to take care of the basic needs of their parents. In some countries it is illegal not to do so. Anyway, as for the nursing homes, getting some attention there is better than getting none if let alone!

Answer 7

I understand what you are saying because I've worked in a nursing home and I've seen what you are describing. In theory, you are correct. However, the reality of the situation is some people did not have loving, caring and nuturing parents. Sure, some people are selfish and don't want to be bothered, but some people don't have relationships with their parents for much more personal and painful reasons.

Answer 8

It is hard to see them in the nursing homes and you are right but some of them have no family to take care of them some of the parents children dont want them around. some just dont care what happens to them.
I use to work as a cna and yes some of the patients in the home are given the only care by the employees.
not all i said and some just dont have the time and it depends on what shift you were working on. some dont have the time for as cns we would get as many as 20 patients to take care of feed, change, and get to the daily activities and some of the patients have memory loss

Answer 9

My wife and I are raising our two youngest daughters with an eye toward being (at the very least) respectful of the elderly.

Where we live has a very sizable 'retirement' population, and it crosses all economic strata...from the barely subsisting to the very well-to-do.

I see a lot of what you describe and it tugs at my soul on a regular basis. Unfortunately, all I can do is raise the children that I've been blessed with, and hope, that when our turn comes, we equipped our children with the necessary tools to make our end years joyous and treasured.

Lord knows, I'm not looking to be a burden to my babies.

Answer 10

My wife went through this with her brothers and sisters. We lived about 5 hrs from her mother. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My wife tried to visit around 4 times a year. Her brothers and sisters complained my wife wasn't doing enough. She didn't visit enough. I told my wife to find a nursing home close to us to put her in. We did and she is doing great. My wife visits her every other day. It really turned out for the best. She knows she is getting the best care possible and gets to see her regularly. Guess what? Her brothers and sisters have come down around 2 times in the past 2 years. Oh well. Her mother is doing great!!!

Answer 11

It is the "american" way so to speak. Here in the North America everyone is either too busy looking out for #1 or too busy taking care of their own immediate families that nobody wants to be grandma's/grandpa's babysitter. They find excuses as to why it should be Tom or Mary who has to look after her/him and not "me".
Where I come from there aren't any aged homes. Grandma is expected to spend the rest of her days with one of her children. I am sure there are those who are happy that it wasn't with him/her & their family, but in the long haul she is with someone. It may not be the ideal situation, but I don't believe that there should even be any question as to where an aging parent should or would spend her twilight years.