Married with 4 kids, and little touch, romance or other intimacy. How do I get her more interested?

Question

Most of the questions I have seen have to do with wondering how to get a husband to be more romantic or have that spark, but I have the opposite issue. We have happily been married 15 years and have 4 kids. We are all busy and don't have the same level of privacy that we used to, but there is no question that we could make the time if it was a priority. Problem is, it's not a priority for her. Sometimes, I wonder if it is even an interest anymore. I've always been the romantic and am always the one reaching out to hold her hand, or touching her arm, or scratching or rubbing her back. There would rarely be a time when I would not be interested in touch and romance and the like, but it feels like she could just as soon do without all of it. Help! (and, yes, I'm still in good shape, take care of myself, have a good job, etc., etc., so please do not focus your answers on giving me grooming tips. :-) )

Thanks for the answers so far. I should have also stated that I in fact do help out a lot around the house, including cooking meals a couple of nights a week, doing laundry (I just folded two loads today), etc. So it's not that.

Wow ... I had no idea this would generate so many thoughtful answers. Thank you all. Some additional thoughts: I have made an effort over the last few years especially to show her affection with no strings attached just so she won't think sex is all I need. I remember one time specifically where I was giving her a backrub for the third night in a row and she said "You know I am on my period, right?" I laughed and said, "Yep, I knew that." In addition, we are good friends -- we talk, and laugh and all that. She just doesn't seem interested in the physical part of it much. We have talked about this several times over the years, and she says she should be more affectionate and there is no reason that she can put her finger on why she isn't. And for me, an affair is not an answer.

Thanks again for all of your help and insights.

Answer 1

ignore the guy who said cheat on your wife, please. I am married with 6 kids and i am sure my husband would say the same thing about me as you did about your wife. The issue is that physical intimacy is not very important to some women. it is not to me. the emotional aspect is what causes the physical aspect to be an issue. there is nothing wrong with you, though. as a mother i can say with certainty that i feel like i do most of everything by myself. even though my husband thinks that he is helping. i feel like i care more about everything than he does. I try to tell him he doesnt understand but, he takes it personally. he says whats wrong with ME, are u still attracted to me(physically). The answer is still yes but the emotion aspect is all WRONG. Try making uniteruptted time with your wife first. NO KIDS! and tell her that you noticed that she seems to be unhappy(or something similar). Ask her how she FEELS. dont mention the phisical aspect to her it will only upset her. tell her you want to make her happy again and ask what you can do. telll her you dont know how she is feeling but you want to help her. be genuine. Chances are it is a feeling thing, not physical as you think it is. if she feels more secure and supported im sure the spark will come back ten fold! my husband is always thinking about the physical. he does love me and care about me but the pysical is where he gets insecure, like most men. with women it is purley on emotional side. try to leave everything physical out of the conversation. focus on her. let her bring up physical stuff. sometimes when i feel emotionally ignored anything physical just makes me angry, kinda like that is all he cares about is the sexual type stuff and not about me. your wife may feel emotionally negllected. try to focus on her.

Answer 2

Some mothers may be too tired to put forth the effort to be romantic. If she is working outside the home, then picks kids up from school or daycare, makes runs to ballet or soccer practice, helps with homework, prepares dinner, gets kids ready for bed...sometimes there is no energy left to be romantic and intimate. She just wants to collapse in bed and become unconscious for 7 hours. Give each other the night off.
Get a sitter for the kids out of the house (even overnight if possible). You and your wife are alone. Prepare dinner or order out (don't forget the wine). Take a bath together with fragrant candles and jazz music. Give her a massage. Give her love touches while telling her how beautiful she is. Eventually, get around to the main course. Plan these dates once a week, or once a month or however frequently you are able. It will be something you both look forward to, and may reignite the sparks.

Answer 3

I was married 17 years, 1 child. Great jobs, big house, bla bla bla. What you wrote might as well have been written by my ex. Sex was a once a week thing due to lack of privacy or being too tired from work and my ex was very fit, well groomed, etc. I cannot speak for your wife, but your perception is correct. Everything else took priority. I think now, after having been divorced for 6 years (and I was the one who let him go to find someone to make him happy - no dirty laundry) that if there had been the will to change, things might have been different, but somewhere along the line, the passion just died and there was simply no will there to change it. Thing is that will has to come from your wife and there's really nothing you can do.... well... maybe there is, but I can't think of anything, to be honest.

Answer 4

Well maybe for one thing everytime you use to touch her it meant having sex for her and now she is just too tired for it.... How much do you help with the kids and the house? Have you even talked with her about this? Communication is the number one priority period for you and her. You say you wonder so I know you don't talk with her. Don't fix her problems listen to her though. Being romantic isn't touching her or rubbing her back as I said maybe she just equates that with sex and it just turns her off right now... if you dont start talking WITH her this will only get worse. Does she have issues maybe with herself that you are aware or unaware of, like has she gained weight and maybe feels uncomfortable? You have to talk with her, no pressure, just a down right honest conversation and ask her what you CAN DO to help. if there is anything at all. She may not be able to come up with an answer immediately. But this will set her mind to thinking if it isn't already. !5 yrs is great and the spark is going to die to an ember now and then it is natural. Maybe her birth control is screwing with her system... there are so many things and the only way for you to find out is by talking with her..... sit her down at the kitchen table, maybe a glass of wine, just to relax a bit, and get this out in the open.....been there so I know, I have been with my man almost 20 yrs.... it isn't always full of spark but it has its moments. Good Luck, and let her know that you love her and want to work on this with her..

Answer 5

Here's a few tips....

Every time you reach out to hold her hand or touch her or rub her back is it ONLY because you are trying to initiate sex? Is that the "signal" for her that you re in the mood and you want some...but you never bother to touch her if it's NOT going to lead to sex?

How about this.....maybe she's tired running around after the kids and the house and the job.....sexiest damn thing in the world to me is a man standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes up to his elbows in soap suds. Try doing more things around the house like helping out with the cleaning and the laundry so that she isn't so damn tired all the time and has some time to sit down and relax and enjoy your company.

If you've been married for 15 years some of those kids are hopefully old enough to babysit the younger ones for say an hour after supper a couple times a week so you and your wife can go out for a walk/talk together.

Sign up for basic ballroom dancing lessons and have at least ONE night a week for YOUR relationship together...maybe go out and have dinner first ALONE TOGETHER.

Don't sign all the kids up for so many extra-curricular activities that all you and your wife have time for is to be taxi service for the kids.

Soon those kids are going to be out of the house and all the two of you are going to have is each other....you better find some ways to reconnect now or in 5 more years you'll both be on Yahoo Personals looking for love.

Answer 6

bless your heart. grooming has very little to do with it! I understand how you feel.

The problem sounds like the "roles". In other words, she is in "mother" role and does not get out of that role therefore, sex is almost a turn off to her because being a mother of four, she's always in "mom" role. This is so common for women and I actually feel very sorry for men.

Basically, what she is going to need is a message to the brain that she can step out of "mommy" role. How do you do this? Well, I don't know the two of you BUT, I can tell you that consistency is going to be your best friend. It will take effort too- you have to figure out a time, preferably each week, when the two of you do something that tells her brain "oh, I am out of mommy role and I'm in wife role". So maybe that means each week you get a babysitter and go somewhere that's sort of different each time like a concert, a hotel bar, a late night walk on the beach (if you're near one), just something other than dinner and a movie. Maybe it means once a month, you get a hotel somewhere close but not too close and just go all out. Nothing says "let's get busy" the way a hotel with no kids around does!!! My point is mentally taking her out of mom role and putting her in wife role but also being consistent with it as to let her know that you have needs and they can't just be met once every 6 months. If you feel comfortable enough, tell her about your plan and ask her for her efforts in getting out of mommy role when you guys plan something.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Is she menopausal? Hormones can be a big problem for women. Too much, not enough...their sex drive can go down the drain.

Have you talked to her about this? If she knew that it hurt you that she doesn't want to be physical anymore, maybe she'd make an effort to try.

Another question that popped into my head: Does she have orgasms during sex? Sometimes women get into the habit that if sex doesn't feel good to them, why have it? You can help a lot in this regard. If you've been married for 15 years I'd hope you know what pushes her buttons by now.

Answer 8

Look... Lots of guys need more intimacy with their wives.

I'm in that category...

It's always something... her job, the kids, the grandkids... and throughout my marriage... I've always TRIED to be nice. I've always deferred my needs, in favor of something or someone else.

I kinda made my own bed... because I've told her throughout the last 15 years (sounds familiar right?) that it's OKAY... when really it's not. I really don't have to be #1 in her life all the time... But I certainly SHOULDN'T BE #47, right under "dying of thirst".

So I screwed up, and you screwed up... Now when I ask for more attention and intimacy... now it's seems "I'VE CHANGED"... and "Why was it okay before to not service your needs and wants, and now it's NOT".

well the truth is it wasn't okay then and it still isn't... an the truth is
I've not changed at all... I'm just tired of collating LAST. And I've never put HER last... I've always Listened and provided what she want, needs and wishes.

Bottom line... she's SPOILED. And a bit clueless...

So not that we've redefined the problem... HOW do we fix it?

Well first... WE change the rules. First the next 5 things she wants... no matter HOW SIMPLE... don't give it to her. THIS will make an impression. The first thing my wife did was HINTED that her car needed gas.

Ordinarily I'd hop up and get it for her... but today... I said... "cool, I'm going to watch my "First season Boston Legal" DVD. Come see me when you get back...

That was so different it got her attention.

Next... tell her... that things really HAVEN'T changed... but if she wants to look at this as a change... You're okay with that. Tell her that the kids are doing fine... and you want to be in the PECKING ORDER... for time. You want her to "Make a date with you" just like she makes a date to help the kids with homework or to run one of the gals to the mall.

Insist on he time.... alone... in the hot tub with a glass of wine....
Insist on showing her... the INTIMATE time of her life.

It worked for me... it could work for you.

Answer 9

You know it is so good to see a man that is interested in putting spark back in the relationship. Now if you have small children then hire a babysitter for the entire night. Take your wife out and rent a nice hotel room. Relax and try to make her think about the way you used to be before kids, marriage, and lots of responsibility. That would help her mellow out. Good luck

Answer 10

Open communication is key. Talk to her. Build a trust between you and her again. That will start a wonderful and genuine friendship with her as well.

Make sure you tell her that you respect and value very much her sense of Trust and her sense of People, each and every day. You MUST do this too.

Do fun things together. Take time out to appreciate her every success, whether it be big or small or anything inbetween. Give her lots of praise for being there for you and your kids. Treat her like a queen. She deserves the very best.

Answer 11

you didn't mention the ages of those babies. OI know when out kids were little and I was a stay at home mom I was too tired to even think about sex but now that I want it all the time (and I do MEAN ALL the time) he doesn't I thought it would get better after he retired a few years ago we are late 40s he is still not that interested...and even when he is its at weird times... and its still so one sided... you sound like anice guy I hope you can gther interested again. have you sent her flowers?
leave lovey notes around for her to find...? good luck