Child Sexual Abuse and it's outcome?

Question

My husband was sexually abused by his father for almost three years starting at age 8. His father was also going thru chemotherapy while he was abusing him. My husband seems to have forgiven his father but not his mother b/c she didn't do anything about it. he speaks highly of his father since he taught him what he knows before all this abuse and his death, yet his mother is someone whom he can't forgive.
In most cases I hear, the victim has a hard time letting go of the abuser's actions and hard tiume forgiving them.
How is it that my husband can forgive his father yet not his mother besides the obvious reasons?

Could it be b/c his father felt terrible everytime he did it and his mother till this day, never admitted to doing anything wrong?

In fact she said she didn't do anything about it b/c "I didn't feel it was bothering you. I didn't see you becoming gay from it."

Answer 1

Child sexual abuse affects every victim differently and you say he "seems" to have forgiven his father, but has he said he has?
He may have accepted the abuse to move on but that is different to forgiving. It seems like he is pushing the blame onto the mother because "she was aware" and "did nothing", now that is a different anger to what he would be feeling to the father because she should have protected him. He yearned for "protection" and never got it and is still angry for this.
An abused child that has grown with these feeling hibernating within them are usually because of the acknowledgement of it being required with the admittance of wrong doing. His mother is twisting things to mask her own guilt.
There isn't always a "why" and for survivors of sexual abuse they need the strength to "want" to move on so not to ruin their whole lives.
We can forgive but never forget, but can we forgive if they won't admit wrong doing?
I did, but it required me to get them out of my life to do it, never seen since actually and for me it was the best thing I ever did. Survivors heal so differently, but as long as we do for ourselves that's what is important. I so hope he can heal as well as I have. I sure wasn't going to let them steal my whole life, my childhood was enough, but that is past, over and done with and it's tomorrow that is important.
I don't know if what I say will help but we do not need to allow abuse to ruin our lives if determined to not let it.
I wish you both luck, God Bless You both!

Answer 2

Well..
Your husband arrived the point that he became above his father's abuse because he knew that his father was ill.
I can't accept the fact of forgiveness, but I can understand it very well my lady.
It just, there's no point of getting avenge.. And life MUST go on.. He abused him, but he loved him, and love gives forgiveness..
He felt like, it's something happened between us, let us go over it.. And that's it..

About the mother, that's more complicated. You see, the sexual activity must be between the father and the mother, so the mother must get her husband away from her child, but she didn't do that.
The boy was abused, and his mother knew that, she was cool about it, and she never did anything to protect her child.
He may forgive his father, the one who abused him, because he was ill, and they both felt guilt, but not his mother who didn't do anything to protect them both.
She also said that she didn't feel it was bothering her son, means she puts the blame on him instead of understanding his position as a victim, not a criminal.
She watched him being abused, blamed him, and also she is free of guilt, while he sees her as guilty as his father, or even more, because she had the chance to make everything stop but she didn't. She gave excuses to the criminal, who himself felt guilty, and made the victim a criminal.
That's the worst thing ever a mother can do. To watch her child getting abused without having any emotions that make her stand for him or her.

Answer 3

There is no forgiving sexual abuse by a trusted family member. You can never forget, therefore how can you forgive .It is the worst betrayal that there is and the other parent ignoring or pretending it didn't happen just makes it worse. It wrecks the victim and 9 out of 10 times the abuser and spouse will not get treatment for their child. The laws are changing to protect children. but not fast enough.

Answer 4

Generally, it's because a mother is the primary nurturer, protector, and caretaker--and when a mother does not protect her child, it has deep ramifications in the psyche. Things like, "I wasn't worth protecting"; "My mother did not love me, therefore there must be something deeply abhorrent about me," and so forth. A child comes from its mother's own body--not its father's--and so the connection is so incredibly vast. It's not just psychological but also physical. At many points, the child depended on its mother's body for its very life (gestation, birth, breast feeding), and this is one reason why the connection with the mother is so much stronger. If a father brings harm to the child, that's one thing. If the life-giving and -sustaining mother essentially abandons her child to the wolf (in this case, the father), it creates an unparalleled fury and sorrow. ... This is not a total or complete answer, but it is something to start with. Check out "Making Sense of Suffering: The Healing Confrontation with Your Own Past" by J. Konrad Stettbacher.

Answer 5

I can understand why he's having a hard time forgiving his mother. She needs to acknowledge what happened. I can't believe the last statement. I wouldn't want anything to do with her. She is suppose to protect him from things like this.
He probably had an "easier" time forgiving his father because he was dying. His father more then likely acknowledge his wrong doings. Most victims need to hear that their attacker was in the wrong and it wasn't the victims fault. It's gotta be hard to hear from your own mother that she knew but did nothing to prevent it.
You have to realize he may never forgive his mother. And whatever his decision you need to stand by him and back him up.

Answer 6

Well, I don't understand how he forgave his father. I can understand why he "can't" forgive his mother. She wasn't ill. She should have been able to stop this. She should have had some SENSE about her. GAY or not isn't even the question here. It is about a child being abused sexually. I'm disgusted that she KNEW about it and didn't do anything.

Answer 7

Well, since his father is not here, he cannot talk with him about it, and maybe he has made excuses for his father in his mind. Maybe he felt as it was something he was obligated to do, since it was such a young age. There are many factors in that decision of his. But I think he is right not to forgive the mother. She is a HORRIBLE person for letting that happen to her child no matter who did it. Its even cheating on the husbands part! I hope you let her know she is a disgusting person.

Answer 8

Verbal and mental abuse is sometimes more painful than being physical abused.Especially due to the fact it was his mother who is the person that is suppose to protect you from everything and everyone.He might not feel the same pain he does towards his father due to the fact he is no longer here and has forgiven him but things his mother said are to painful to overcome.Nothing is harder and more painful.My heart goes out to him.Good Luck.

Answer 9

He can forgive his father because his father is very deeply TRULY sorry but yet he cannot forgive his mother because she couldve stopped it when it started but she didnt...and she isnt sorry 4 ANYTHING cuz she apparently saw nothing wrong with the problem...but to your mother-in-law i say..wat would u do if YOU wer sexually abused, just cuz ur son leads a normal life doesnt mean anything...wat if he had gone gay...or if he had very serious mental problems after it, remember...u couldve stopped it but u didnt

Answer 10

Parental indifference is a lethal posion of the mind. Let your husband and mother talk, deal and bring closure and forgiveness all together. It is best to approach your mother in law about this.