How do you explain to a 10yr old that her father is not her biological father?

Question

My daugter is 10 will be 11in August . Her biological father has never been around at all.He showed up all of a sudden after 11years. He wants to see her , but my daugter only knows of my husband as her dad. He's been in my daughters life since she was 4 months old. I'm really confused for the fact of what would be the best thing to do for my daughters intrest.

Answer 1

maybe you should explain to her by saying, that her father is her father. But her biological father is the one who "planted the seed" normally, the one who plants the seed becomes the normal father, but this case is special. Her current father really was the one who loves her and will always be there, and the one who planted the seed went away to plant more seeds. he's a special kind of seed planter... not really the best kind, but mommy was young and naive and thought he was a good seed planter that would stay, but really isn't.

Answer 2

Talk to the girl's biological father, and explain to him the situation you have been put in. Quite frankly, the jerk never wanted to see the girl for the first 11 years of her life, and now he wants to see her?? He sounds like he has something up his sleeve.

Ask him where has he been for the past 11 years, and why hasn't he offered to pay any kind of support on her behalf?? Being a father is a lot more then just being the one who is responsible for getting the girl's mother pregnant. Ask him why he took off on you when you needed him the most, and then tell him what a great father your current husband has been to the girl, and how he has accepted full responsibility for her care and well being.

Does the guy work?? Has he been in trouble with the law during the past 11 years?? Was he a snake when you were dating him?? Is he now offering to help you and your husband financially to raise the girl?? These are questions you need to seriously ask yourself.

I would explain the situation to the girl, because I do think she is old enough to understand. Kinda get a feel if she really wants to meet this guy who is her biological father. If she asks why he left, and hasn't been around up until now, then be honest with her. I have a feeling she is a mature young lady who would understand the situation a lot more then what you think she will.

Answer 3

I have to say this is a sticky situation~however, I have been there~I am the child~but, in my case I grew up thinking that my sister and brother's father was my father, and finding out when I was 11~that 'my' biological father has been living with us all along~I found out at age 11 my sister and brother were 1/2 sister and brother~I found out that the man my mother's first husband was not my dad as he was to my siblings~my parents sat us down all together and talked of what had happened, and how everything came about~and how sorry they were for not explaining things to us sooner~that they didn't know how~I can honestly say that everything has turned out~I was never bitter for my parents keeping such a secret~and I can not imagine how hard it was for them to go through this as well~the only problem that we have now~is that my last name is still under my mother's first husband~and not my biological fathers name~they (my parents) are the only who has trouble with me keeping this last name I have grown up with~I am now 29 yrs old~and they expect for me to change it~however, I look at it as a name~not who I am, and if it meant so much, then they should have changed it years ago~I also look at it as, I am a girl, I will soon take the name of the man I love, then I will not have either name to worry about~I wish you the best of luck in what you deceide to do~however, she will be ok, and after getting to know the real man, that stands behind the pretend dad in front of her~she will realize who her father always was~anyone can be a sperm doner, but it takes a REAL man to be a daddy~it may take awhile for her to get it~but she will eventually, just let her make her own mistakes, so she can learn from them!!!! I wish the best of luck~ :)

Answer 4

I am in the same situation as you. My son, 6yrs old, has been raised by my husband since 2 months old and has no clue he was fathered by someone else. My problem is his bigger brother knows and I am affraid he will tell him. He bio has not showed up though. I think that when I tell him this is what I will say.

"Son you know how much daddy loves you and you know that a real daddy is the one who takes care of you and loves you. Sometimes there are daddys that dont help make kids but they are their daddy anyways. Well your daddy didn't help make you. Another man did but he let someone else take care of you and be your daddy."

Well, it willbe something along those lines. Just be honest. If your husband really is a good dad than your daughter may not even care. You may be more scared than she is going to be. Good Luck!!

Answer 5

Has the current father adopted her? Has the biological father paid child support? If not, he has not rights to her. I would contact a lawyer immediately. I asked my 12 year old what she would think - and read her your question. She said she would be sad if I told her that. I feel for you.

This other guy may be the father, but her daddy is at home with her. Did you speak to your current husband? What is his opinion? Also you might contact Dept. of Children Services and ask a counselor the best way to handle this.

Good Luck and I hope all goes well

Answer 6

Just be honest with her. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. The best thing you can do is sit down with you and your daughter and husband and explain the truth. Then it's up to her to accept it or not. She will in the end, and if she asks why you didnt' tell her sooner, tell her you didn't know how or when the right time would be. And you wanted to, but it jsut took a situation like this to really let the truth come out. But seriously be honest with the girl, that's all you'd want right?

Answer 7

FIRST of all I'ld like to start by telling the JERK , "Object, that he is just plain rude OR IGNORANT and Im sure his mama taught him if he couldnt help or say something nice to stay out of it and shut up (listen to ur mama boy) that said, I was in the same situation, first marriage failed due to abuse , all I got out of that relationship was a son and dentures (yeah at 19) ok and anyway I met a man who was great with my son raised him as his own and then 11 yrs later my ex hung himself in the County jail and it made the news , well guess who had the same exact name and looked like his double? Yep my son, so we had to talk nothing else to do right? Well I explained everything and at first he was a lil upset BUT he was fine. ALTHOUGH I was ready to get him counceling if he needed it and I had to answer and reanswer the same questions over and over, but I did so patiently. My son is now 18 and he's perfectly normal, kids see that todays world sucks hun , we can't shelter them forever but YOU and I and many others pick up dust off and move on , so we are proof it can be done RIGHT? Give her credit but always prepare for the worse, u know. I'll bet her relationship wont diminish any with ur now hubby. Its true what they say you know? Takes more to being a parent than giving sperm or delivering the child. Good Luck and Ill keep u in my prayers.

Answer 8

Your husband is her daddy because he was there for her, but she also needs to know her biological father. When she gets older she might want to know her paternal side of the family. I think you should tell because I wish my mom would have told me about mine before I was grown. What does your husband think of all this. How would you feel if you didn't know your father. You will have to come up with a way to tell her and getting her to understand the situation. Please dont let her grow up not knowing.

Answer 9

Well, my parents got divorced when i was 5 and it was really hard for me. But as i got older, i relized by things that happened with me over there that it was the best. Now i don't know if you situation is that he left cuz you told him to or not. If you can calmly sit down and explain that she has 2 dad's, and that they both love her.... maybe she can except them both into her life. Good luck... And i hope everything turns out all right.

Answer 10

Wow, I almost didn't want my son to know his real dad.His dad has nothing to do with him. He's six now and he was always told that he has a real dad. My husband his step dad Tell's him that he's his boy and that he does have a real dad. I think the best thing is to tell her what's going. I will tell you though that it's going to be really hard on her not knowing this for all of these years.