How can i get closure on this 15yr. old issue?

Question

I was 16, he was 29. My mom found out and pressed charges against him. After I turned 18, we dated a bit and then I moved to Indianapolis. When I see him in public now, I can tell that he is looking at me with peripheral vision, but he will not look at me directly. What I would like to say is, hey, I am sorry I have caused you grief in your life, but you have caused me some too. I know it's not a case of dislike, because we always got along really well. What should I do? I need to say something to him, but I don't know exactly what or how.

Answer 1

Write him a letter.

Answer 2

Hey,

I have been really wanting to speak with you for sometime, I want you to know upfront that I have been in pain over all these years about what happened and that I am so sorry that you suffered so because of our relationship and what my mom did. If there was a way to turn that around I would and give you back that time but I cant. When I see you I think of the wonderful times we had and the great feelings that where there.

I want you to know that I am sorry.

Now, do not tell him how much you hurt, after all, an apology should be about the person not about you, about the event not about you. If you can give a forgiving and forgetting apology you will cross the bridge, and then your life will be without any regrets and you can move on and so can he.

Answer 3

The fact that he was 29 to your 16 makes him a criminal, plain and simple. And no, I don’t believe there are any exceptions to this. You are 31 now, would you even consider dating a 15-year-old child? The healthy reaction to that question is, “Ewwww, no!” Your mother knew this and did her job to protect you, even though it may have hurt your feelings at the time. Your innocence was more important. The question is, “Why are your feelings still hurt after all this time?” You’ve had several opportunities for the closure you seek – at the original court proceedings, during the time that you dated at age 18, numerous times that you saw him. You don’t feel the closure because it’s no longer something you need to tell him that will make you feel better. Something else is going on in your life or head to make you focus on him; it is you who needs healing. No matter how mature you might have seemed at the time, you were 16, you were the victim and you have nothing to apologize to him for. Talk to your mother and find a good therapist – you are 30 now, it’s time to find a good man and get on with your life, but clearly there are some personal things you need to work on before you can do this.

Answer 4

This kind of thing rarely happened when I was growing up in the permissive 60s. People get bent out of shape about anything these days.You are not responsible for your mom's behavior, are you? Didn't you resolve this matter then you dated him at age 18?
If you want to make yourself feel better now, write him a short note on a nice note card and explain your feelings, but don't put any demands on him. Maybe he is already married to someone else and doesn't want to start up the relationship with you again, but can't help being curious about you. How did it all turn out for you? Are you happy now? Let him know briefly. If you want, give him an e-mail address he can respond to without giving him your phone number or address. Keep it light. Don't feel guilty any more. You can't fix everyone's problems.

Answer 5

What you've said is a perfect start. You can apologize for what he's gone through, but only accept a bit of the responsibility. If he gets angry with you or tries to make you out to be the bad guy, remember: you were 16, he was 29. He should have known better.

Perhaps he'll want to talk more about it. Perhaps he'd rather forget that time in his life. You'll know by how the conversation goes.

Answer 6

Why did you move to the same city he lives in are you crazy? Why did you re-connect with him are you crazy? There is nothing to be said to him. You were a minor and he was an adult. He should have known better. This is so bad. You have the guilt trip. What are you going to do, say, "I'm so sorry." and let him feel justified to find another sixteen year old?
I thought statutory rape is a longer sentence than two years for this very reason, to protect the child and prevent a reconnect of the relationship.

Answer 7

You have options. You can either 1) decide to move on despite seeing him in public and find peace within yourself 2) approach him and try to talk. It seems you won't be at rest with this unless you talk to him. He should've known that he could get into trouble by dating a minor back then. If he was a real man, he would've taken the fall (or responsibility) for his actions. You both made a mistake but it's time to move on. Don't play the blame game. And if he does blame you for the charges then he's not a real man and you need to forget him.

Answer 8

You tell him.

I am really sorry that you took advantage of me when I was a Young naive 16 year old girl. I am also sorry that you didn't get more time in prison for statutory rape.
I am also sorry that you didn't have a 6' 7' 280 lb cell mate with only 4 teeth named Bubba from West Virginia.

When you go for your next job and you have to put down yes I am a felon and I can not own a gun or vote remember it was your decision to date a minor.

Answer 9

It doesn't sound like there is really a problem. You just said that you dated for a bit after you turned 18. That doesn't sound like he has any hard feelings toward you about that. Sounds like there is something else that has happened from when you dated then.

If he is looking at you, and your sure that he is, then maybe he is wanting to talk to you too. I would think that whatever happened after you turned 18, needs to be taken care of.

Maybe you should try walking up to him and just see if he will even talk to you. If he will, maybe you can try being friends and then see where that leads. If he wasn't interested, he would turn away from you and not want to be anywhere around you.

Thanks just my opinion. I hope it helps none the less.

Answer 10

Your mom was right to press charges, you would have done the same with your daughter. I mean at your age now can you imagine dating a 16 year old. You were still a child and you have nothing to apologies for.

Answer 11

Well dear, just put your self in his shoes, after going to jail for somethign like that, and getting your self a bad record in your personal back ground, it won't be easy for, not just him, but any one else whom comes to your life again, so I think he is a nice person, that the only thing he's doing is just looking at you that way. If you really like this guy give him some time, and allow him to see, that what ever happen was not your fault, do to your age, and regullation of the law. it was somethign that he bough on him self. If he really cares about you, he will understand a things might change.