My name is Julia and I have a problem, I just got divorced after nine years of being with my ex-husband and I have two small children, the only thing I want out of life is to be happy and enjoy my family, while I was going thru my divorce I met this older guy that I thought was a great guy until I heard some of my friends that he was not and that I needed to leave him alone, After about a year I did leave him alone and moved on, in the meantime, my friends introduced me to this great guy, I mean he is really great but he has a problem, I have been dating him for six months and we have just being moving so fast in the whole relationship thing, everyone loves him and even my ex-husband says he sounds like a good guy, the problem is that he has been hurt so many times by females and past relationships that he is very insecure and does not trust me at all, he says he does but actions speak louder than words, in the meantime, the older guy has started contacting me again and wants me to give him another chance I don't know who to stay with or who to chose I am really confused and I need some advise, if I go back to the older guy will he treat me right this time around and am I willing to give this new great guy up and go back, or should I stick it out with this new guy and work with him with his trust issues and so on, please help me I am really scared I am going to make the wrong decisioin. Thank you in advance for answering my question
2006-06-26 05:10:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
From the point of view of someone who has been hurt a lot, it is often difficult to tell people what has happened in your past as you fear that you will be mocked or disbelieved. I think this is a tough decision for you and undersatdn your predicament.
If you have the patience and strength to stand by this man and support him through the hard times (which may be more than the good to begin with) then I think you should stay with him. However, if you don't feel you can do this as supporting somebody needy is incredibly draining in your own self-esteem, then be honest with him and tell him this.
You also have to make up your own mind on the other person. You said that your friends told you he was no good. Did you discover this for yourself or did you go by what your friends had said? If it is the latter and you feel you didn't give this man a fair chance, think about whether you want to try this now. If you learned from your own experience that this man was not the right one for you then he probably still isn't.
I understand that you are confused but you have also just come out of a realtionship that ended in divorce. Have you given yourself enough time emotionally to get over this. I don't know why you divorced but somewhere along the line, you must have negative feelings either about the situation or how it happened etc. Give yourself time to "grieve" over this as this may be affecting your judgement in relation to the other men.
It is really hard trying to work out situations when there are so many things to consider. Work out each bit in sections and don't be in a rush to do so.
Also, think about how your children react to the different men or how their relationships with each one would pan out.
Hope this has been of some help to you.
2006-06-26 05:25:41 · answer #1 · answered by 123456 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all I can see why you are scared. I would be too. You have come out of a marriage, and however strong you may be, a divorce takes its toll on us all.
You mention that you have been 'moving so fast in the whole relationship thing.' This indicates to me, that perhaps this wasn't what you wanted at this time of your life. You are right to feel slightly upset that the relationship progressed so quickly. Inside, I believe that you think (and you are right) that perhaps it didn't give you time to get to know one another well enough to build the trust that is now becoming an issue.
You say that your friends told you the 'older' man was not a great guy. Friends, with all the best intentions in the world CAN be wrong. Rumours and gossip can ruin reputations, and if you really loved the guy and believed in him, I am sure you would be with him still. The fact that you aren't, suggests to me that perhaps inside you knew he wasn't right for you. It was early days since you had divorced your husband and therefore you probably needed to spend time on your own and with the children to deal with the ending of your marriage.
I understand how hard it must be with this new man feeling insecure, when you are trying your best to have this relationship and balance it with being there for your children and living your life. However, I would stick with him. You called him a 'great new guy', and working with him on his trust issues will bring you even closer and set an incredibly strong foundation for your developing relationship. It may be that you need to take a step back. Tell him that we have all been through hard times and you understand that at the moment he does not trust you, but trust is built over time, and we have only been together a short while. Perhaps sit with him, confide with him details of your past, things you have been through and let him know that you are glad for the fact that you are in this place in your life, or you would not have met him.
Reassure him, and he will relax.
Above all, good luck, you deserve it.
2006-06-26 05:24:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should always move forward, never backward. If your unsure or scared you have the right to slow things down. If the older guy is what you want you should let him know from the beginning that your not getting back to together, which means starting over. Sounds like you should be taking some time off from both relationships to decide what you want in your life. Good luck.
2006-06-26 05:16:55 · answer #3 · answered by crystalb 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first thing you should do is to believe that with God all things are possible-you have to pray about it.This is nothing small,it is about your happiness.Remember that we are just here to advise you but never to decide for you.Ask yourself the questions am going to put forward,who makes you happy?How do you feel when when he is around?Remember that in a relationship you need to feel safe in all ways,are you safe with him?When i say him/he,i mean both of them.The former guy seems nice but does not know how to treat you well and people also knows how he behaves,watch out!!The new one has a problem of trust and others,are you willing to help him solve that problem?Because if you love him then that can never be a aproblem for you to solve.Are you in it for love or just company.I will be of help to you next time if you need me.Take your time dear and do not rush.You have all the time in the world.I wish you Good Luck!!God bless you.Love Solinda
2006-06-26 05:31:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, the older guy is probably not going to change. After a while, you're "set in your ways". I doubt that anything with him will change at all. The one that has been hurt, slow things down and be honest with him. I know how it is to be "gunshy" with women. The last time I was hurt, I refused to date women for 3 years. But after a while the trust grows. He also needs to realize that although he always needs to be cautious and guard his heart, sooner or later he's gonna have to give it another try. I hope when he gives it another try it's with you. Take your time, be patient. I say you go for Bachelor #2. Best of luck to you...
2006-06-26 05:24:51 · answer #5 · answered by cajunrescuemedic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think you should stay with the one who treats you and your kids good. he will be the one to give you happiness and it sounds like you need some. tell the old guy that you are in a great relationship and you want to be with him only but we can be friends. see how he reacts to that because if he flips out then you know he will hurt you in the long run but if he supports your decision then he will love you. people who love want to see you happy with or with out them in your life. good luck and i hope you make the right decision.
2006-06-26 05:17:29 · answer #6 · answered by lover143 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you need some time out! Tell your guys you really need some space, you have enough problems of your own don't be thinking of any one elses. Us women always have to much time for everyone else and not enough for ourselves. Which ever guy gives you the space to be yourself and relax is probably the one for you.
2006-06-26 05:19:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
what you need to do is decide which one you really love and want to be with ,if your with the 2nd guy just because hes nice thats not enough ,if you want to be with the 1st guy but are worried what your friends will say then it sounds like your in love with guy but don't want to upset the apple cart go with your heart not what your friends say or what you think is for the best of everyone
2006-06-26 05:27:42 · answer #8 · answered by okayalder62 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-11-15 06:55:13 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stick it out. He has issues and you can help make him better.
2006-06-26 05:24:24 · answer #10 · answered by ndmac 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋