how do i become a good step mom to kids that hate me and don't listen to me and i love there father?

Question

and i love there fathere and he there father said that he will not marry me if i dont get along with his kids im scared of loosing him to his kids i love there father so much it his kids hate and dont ever listen to me when i tell them to do anything and i know im always yellin at his 9 year old because he does not listen to me and he bug me he always is baord and never whant to do anything i think im jelise of he and his son but mostly his son because i have never and a boyfriend that want to marry that has add kids befoure it just hard i fell like im always yelling at his son and i dont know why he bugs me

Answer 1

I think that you have a lot of feelings going on and part of the reason that you feel like this is because you do not want to share your husband. In order to be with a man with children, women have to adjust to the fact that they will NEVER be number one with their significant others. His children are always going to come first and unless you accept that, you will never be happy with him. Also, there is nothing wrong with the way that you feel, except for the nine year old bugging you. You need to explore why you feel this way about him. Does he remind you of his mother, does he have a close relationship with his father and that scares you, is it because he is not the vision that you had of how kids should behave?
As for the children, there is nothing that you can do about this UNLESS, your fiance chooses to step in. Those kids do not listen to you and hate you because they don't understand your role in their life and their father is not backing you. If you are religious, and your fiance is interested, I would suggest talking to your priest or pastor. Before the therapy, however, talk to your fiance about how you feel. This way you will know what his feelings are about this and whether he even wants to fix the problem.

Good luck

Answer 2

The kids obviously listen to their dad and not to you.
Your boyfriend (their dad) needs to step in and correct this.

1. He should not allow his children to give you less respect than they give their father.
2. The kids need to take you seriously when you dish out some disipline without having to get the OK from their father.
3. The father needs to sit down with the kids and let them know that you are the one that he is going to be with, and the kids must accept you as their new mother.
4. The kids need to see you as a parent or an adult not as an equal. They should not be allowed to call you by your first name.

Your boyfriend has a lot of work to do if he wants it to work. If he thinks that you will work it out with the kids on your own without any involvement on his part, then he is obviously not a parent, and has some growing up of his own to do.
It is obvious that the father is not strict enough with his children and needs to step in and be a parent.

Answer 3

The children probably think your trying to be their boss and take their mothers place. If it was me...I would take them somewhere and have a talk, let them know that you dont want to take their mom's place...buut you do want to be their friend and help them with this situation. They might feel like you are going to take their dad away from them....so they are defensive. It may not be a matter of hating you, but being jealous of you. You need to stop yelling at the kids, and talking to them instead. You would be amazed at how things will change if you speak to them like you need their help instead of yelling. He may not know or think that he is bugging you. Maybe he is just trying to get some attention from you. You must realize...that they are his kids.....and they will always be. So its really up to you to make them feel better about this whole thing instead of getting mad at them. There is no reason to be jealous of his kids. That relationship is totally different than an adults relationship. Children dont ask for the changes that are thrown at them, we just expect them to adjust. Its not that easy...sometimes they need help.

Answer 4

First off, Don't Yell. I bet when you were growing up you didn't like your parents screaming their heads off at you. Hes 9, so he knows the difference between right and wrong. He is just trying to test you. Don't let it get to you. Second you are NOT his mom, don't act like it. When he is with his mom, let her discipline them. All you have to do is sit back, act like the nice one, take the kids to the park or the movies once in a while and there you go. The father loves you and the kids will like to do stuff with you. Problem Solved

Answer 5

i used to be one of those step children but my father always seemed to marry or be with what ever he desired, with or with out my blessing, the only advice that i can give you is this, even though it is hard to believe the kids are probably just trying to test you, be open with the kids, be honest with them, try not to argue with them, they are just trying to bring you down to their level, show interest in things they like, even if you don't like the same stuff as them at least you are trying to show interest in them, and the best is when they aren't listening to you, compromise, tell them if you do this for me, i will do this for you, this way you are both getting what you want and the father is seeing you try to get along with the kids

Answer 6

Counseling for you and boyfriend. He still needs to put you and his relationship first for it to work, regardless if the kids are not yours. He should be the main disciplinarian. There should be a basic set of rules the kids have to follow that you can speak up to. Messes, chores, the simple stuff. Just try to be there friends and not their mother. Your not, and they know this, and will do everything they can to ruin your relationship with dad, if that's what they want. They have a much better chance of ruining it than you do of preserving it.

It's not up to you to get along with his kids. It's his reponsibility to make his kids know that he loves you and for him to handle his kids accordingly.

Answer 7

Okay honey instead of worrying about this man and his kids you need to learn how to spell. jealous not jelise. that is not even a typo error. and he and his son??? it's him and his son. this family sounds dysfunctional. you are settling just to have a man. it's not that serious move on and find someone else. not every relationship is meant to be. this one is definitely a mistake.

Answer 8

All you can do is be the best step mom you can be...Your not there to be their friend or else they will walk all over you, also if your doing all the responsible things a parent should do and be then your bf/soon to be husband should respect your behavior to insure his children's futures don't suffer from poor parenting.

Answer 9

That's why I personally never would want to be involved with someone who has kids.

Answer 10

thats happened to my step mom before she married my dad. my brothers hated her so much that they treated her like crap everyday until she learned to be calm and she sat them down at the kitchen table until they told her why they were treating her like. they told her it was because they were afraid that they were going to loose their dad (meaning that they would never see him anymore). so try to sit with them and ask them whats wrong and why they hate you so much.