How much is too much?

Question

My husband of 3 yrs lost his brother and father in a car accident a year ago and he's never been the same.He hasn't smiled in what seems like forever,he barely talks to me or anyone really and just drinks or sleep his sorrow away.I've tried to help in any way I could but he won't let anyone in and I don't know how much more I can take.He refuses counceling and won't talk about what he's thinking or feeling and I feel like I'm losing my best friend.I'd do anything to make it better but it's like he dead inside and has no reason to live and there's nothing I can do to fix it.What do I do?I can't take it anymore.Do I walk away?

Before he lost his brother and dad he used to be full of life and everyone just adored him,he was that type of guy.Now it's like he can't wait for the day to be over when he gets up and it kills me.He's the most important thing in my life and there's nothing I can do to help.He's never been abusive or anything but it's like a little piece of his heart breaks of each day.He was very close to his dad and brother and I understand I really do and I make sure to tell him everyday how much I love him and want to be there for him but he just looks at me with sad eyes and sights.I don't want to walk away but this is killing me.

Answer 1

ok here it goes i lost my mother to a brain tumor i am losing my dad to heart and liver failure and a brain tumor i do understand where he is coming from is it right not really but i can say from experiance you head kinda goes numb to all surroundings and i mean all even when some one is right on something they are wrong it just seems that no one can seem to do good enough to please me or any one else that has been thru this i my self today am going to call the doctor because all my family said that if i dont i will end up dead i have four kids and they dont need to see me lieing on the floor in a puddle of blood he does need help but you should sit him down while he is drinking as long as he isnt a mean drinker just sit him down while he is drinking and start talking about how he feels he will break trust me the more he drinks the more that will come out and just keep telling him that you are there to help him thru it and that you love him dearly thats something that my wife doesnt do at all she just says jason shes dead get over it and move on if your dad dies tomarrow you will always have the next day please what ever you do do not be like her that makes everything worse you can help him i know you can

Answer 2

Have you talked to him about how you feel..in depth? He doesn't want to talk, so you do the talking. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you feel you are losing him. Tell him that he is important to you and that he still matters. Remind him that he is still living. Especially if you have children. Don't walk away. I guarantee you that if the 2 of you get through this, your marriage and love will be stronger than ever. Bring him back to the side of the living. Hold him and tell him that he has to let it out. The anger, the sadness and the pain. Sharing it with someone he loves, you, will help him to start letting go. Let him scream and yell. Give him a Nerf ball and let him throw it all over the place. Plan a trip somewhere with some interest that he really loves and maybe he'll snap out of it. It's hard but hang in there. Whatever you do, be truthful to him, you and about your feelings. Having the knowledge that he's on the brink of losing you too may teeter him to the living side but may push him to the other side. Best wishes and take care.

Answer 3

talk to a doctor and have an intervention he may need to be taken a way for a while in to a group therapy home and be reminded of what he is mising (you) and the other people he loves
this might be the only way to reach him in his deep depression
you may have to trick him into meeting you somewhere that all of his loved ones can gather and if you band together and all say how much you love and care for him and want him to get better and move past the grief and deal with the pain
he may (hopefully) take you advice and seek immediate psychological help in the form of a home for like minded people
if not atleast he will know you care and ease him into therapy somehow
doctors can help where loved ones cannot you care too much they are trying to help at all costs and use ways you dont know about or cant offer him
get him help as soon as you can organize and realize a better future for all of you

if you leave him now he will have lost another person and it could really make him in a dangerous and bad situation
be his support but tell him you love him but you cant live with him this way you need to work together and he will pull through

Answer 4

I know you feel like you are going to abandon him if you leave, but he has already abandoned himself. I was going to suggest counseling, but that's not going to work if he refuses to go. You can only do so much and seems like you've exhausted all avenues, the rest is up to him. Maybe you should tell him exactly, no sugar coating, how you feel. Tell him that you can empathize with what he's going through, but it seems as if he has died to you and pretty soon you will feel like he has died to, if you're not there already. Let him know the truth and see what happens. If he changes or tries to make some strides in the right direction, great. Yet, if things are still the same after you really talk, then you know what the next step is. Do it for you and decide for you! Don't let anyone or anything make up your mind, but you. You have to decide what's best for you and act on it!

Answer 5

My husband lost is best friend suddenly and began doing the same thing. It took him a while but he is better now. He has never been good at making and keeping friends and is very timid when it comes to meeting new people. He has made a few more friends. He had to work out his sorrow on his own. I tried to help but he wouldn't let me and doesn't believe in counseling. I had to threaten to leave him one time and I think that snapped something in his brain. He didn't want to lose another person. Just keep on doing everything like normal and let him work it out.

Answer 6

Sweety walking away now would probably kill him, honestly. Maybe best thing to do is sit down and tell him or write him a letter telling him what you've just said Adding that you know it feels like a part of him died with his Father andBrother but that now he's taking parts of you and killing them and that it's time he lives again FOR you two. Remind him that you Love him so very much and that you can't stand watching him slowly kill himself and that you just can't take much more. And then sweety make sure you and your husband get some much needed counceling , my heart aches for you It's so very hard living like that and I'll keep you in my prayers hon. God Bless

Answer 7

Sit him down and tell hi exactly what you just wrote, especially the part about not being able to take it anymore. Tell him he has a choice: either he goes to counseling or you go live somewhere else. I hate ultimatums, but it sounds like you don't have any other choice but to get him into counseling by whatever means. Alternatively, you can talk to his doctor, and if you can get him to go in for a physical the doctor can strongly recommend he go to a therapist. That might carry a little more weight than what he might consider nagging from you. You might also enlist his mom or any other family members to get him to go. I understand he's grieving, but he has to learn how to cope or he's gonna lose you, too!

Good luck!

Answer 8

Don't walk away. Men have real trouble dealing with their feelings and normally they just internalize them, and hold it in and making matters worse. He has not gone thru the healing process and grief has become anger and frustration that is affecting his family life.

If he refuses to go to counseling, perhaps talking to a pastor or rabbi would help, even if he is not a religious person. Ask around and make an appointment for him> He needs to grieve in order to heal... his traumatic loss is affecting him and he needs to learn how to deal with this.

There are also good self help books that might help, and he can read at his leisure without going anywhere.

Good luck

Answer 9

That sounds like an incredibly tough situation... have you told him all of this?

"I know how much you are hurting and I know that I can't say anything to make it go away, but I love you and I want to be here for you. Please let me into your life... I don't want to lose you but I feel like I already have."

If he lost someone who is really close to him, he is going to have to work through it on his own time... I do think counseling would be a great idea. Sometimes just talking to someone objective is enough to make you feel better. I'll keep you in my thoughts, I know this is a really trying time for both of you.

Answer 10

Wow, he is seriously needing counceling. He is not realizing how his extended grief is affecting the rest of his life. I am sure it is affecting work and other important factors. We need to understand that death is going to happen. Nobody wants to see their loved ones go, especially tragically, but they need to find a way to grieve and work through it. It sounds to me that your husband doesn't know how to grieve and this will eventually cause a breakdown. Try to get him some help, even it that requires him going to an institution involuntarily.