Is it fair to allow your family to split your family in half?

Question

My husband and I split up for about a month. We have 4 month old twin daughters together. He has 10 year old twin boys, and I treat them like they are mine. And this weekend I had my step daughter from my previous marriage with us as well. On Friday and Saturday we had a great "family" time - all seven of us. We do not live together because we are trying to work it all out, but he spent the weekend at my house. On Sunday he gets up and says he has to go to his Mother's house to sign some papers and he and the boys will be having lunch there. OK - no big deal - relationships are a little bitter right now between all of us and I try not to make anyone uncomfortable. But then one of the boys blurts out they are going swimming at Nana's. This is when I got very angry. I never show any difference between my girls and his boys - and to me - he split the family to accomodate his Mother. After I ran all weekend taking care of five children - am I wrong to be angry?

Answer 1

WRONG no, but let it go. It's hard to adjust sometimes with different types of families. It's not right to make differences, but being mad about it only creates more tension in a relationship you are trying to rebuild. Think of like this, the next time he has a boys day out at his Mom's, have a girls day out. Use the time as a way to bond with your daughters and them to bond as sisters. In the long run, it'll be helpful to them and you. Your daughters will appreciate as well. You were angry, you can't change what happened and in the grand scheme of things does it really matter now. Is it really that important to still be mad? You ladies go and do something that they can't do or won't want to do and it'll be fine.

Answer 2

Yours is a sticky situation.

You've got a step daughter from a previous marriage. It sounds as though you and your step daughter are very close, other wise to state the obvious, she would not still be actively in your life.

From your initial marriage you brought a step daughter into a new marriage where your husband had twin boys. Now you've got a step daughter and 2 twin step sons. That's a lot of weight to carry.

Now comes the whammy, you yourself had twin girls with your current husband. WHAMMY!!!

He married you knowing that you have a step daughter who is near and dear to you, that should not be an issue. You married him knowing that he had twin boys that were near and dear to him. That should not be an issue. You've now got a pair of adorable little twin girls, they should not be an issue.

The anger you feel towards your husband not taking the whole troop to his parents is some what understandable. He could not however prevent the boys from saying they are going to go swimming.

Here it is, you two are on a current seperation, it does not sound like you two have hit the divorce scene yet. Only a simple seperation until you two come to eye level with each other on what ever it is that you two are not seeing the same on.

He is going to his parents to do some paperwork, what that is, none of us know, except for you and him. Paperwork, meaning he would not have time to watch two 10 month old twin girls, and his parents may not accept your step daughter.

That's perfectly fine, my wifes parents do not accept my children from a previous relationship. In time they may, but when it comes to family functions on my wifes side, my wife and I have made the decision to leave my two children at home or with their biological grandparents (mine). There's nothing wrong with that.

One day perhaps my children will come with to my wifes gatherings, as of the moment, no they do not. And I have been plenty upset about that situation when it initially came down 3yrs ago. I've had time to let it go, and to understand within myself, that my kids are loved by my wife, and that is good enough for me, because at the end of the day, It's my wife who I value, no matter how many times we have argued, I would not want her anywhere else than with me.

The way I see it, your husband took his sons to their biological grandparents releiving you of 2 of the 5 that you were in charge of. I'm sure if he were not doing Paperwork he would have taken his 2 daughters.

As I said, biological grandparents are partial to their own blood. I think it is lame, but that is the way PEOPLE are.

It's sticky but not uncommon, you simply have to become more adaptable than most people are accustom to doing.

Answer 3

First let me say I am sorry you are going throught this with little kids. I have done it myself when my kids were little and I am going through it again now but all the kids are grown. Let me say that yes, you should feel angry because that is normal. The kids should be the most important thing right now even though you are going through this...they are number 1. Men don't always see that and if you just make sure your kids know that they are loved and had nothing to do with this split they will be ok. Maybe just a Dad wants to spend time with the other kids right now is all it takes, and them take the ones left behind for ice cream. Hope it all works out for you, keep your chin up.

Answer 4

No you are not wrong at all. The people it is affecting the most is the children. There should be no difference show between them. My parents recently took me and my husband to court to get visitation of our children, it all started because of the fact that when the kids wanted to stay all night with them they only let one stay, we explained to them that this was unfair to the children . The judge agreed with us and they now get all of the children once a month for the weekend and it works out perfectly fine . The grandparents need to understand wether they approve of our spouses or not , they are only hurting the children.

Answer 5

There's nothing you can do about that. You can be mad but it wont help. Its hard now but the kids do notice and it will come back and bite him in the *** when they are a little older. Kids dont forget how they're treated. No matter how crappy he is, dont bad talk him in front of the kids. Hes still their dad and all it will do is make them turn on you. You cant make him a better parent.....just do the best that you can do.

Answer 6

You should of told all the kids...hear that kids?? Dad is taking you swimming today! Get your bathing suits. And now let us all thank dad for not showing any favoritism and for taking all of his kids swimming. Which is what a loving and caring father is suppose to do, right honey?

Answer 7

You's are splitting up, I don't see the problem here really.
You decided on your own that you want to accommodate the family, that don't mean that he has to do the same thing. You can't make him do what he don't want to do, you did your thing.. now he's doing his. You can't change him to your liking.
Really, 'what' is he to do with 4 month old twins in a pool? have you thought that perhaps they are to young?

Answer 8

It isn't fair! It's silly if he was trying to get to you, but to leave your girls out is wrong to them. When you're young and you know things are going on with your parents, you tend to feel like somehow it's your fault anyway. He should have taken them swimming, too. I hope you can explain this concept to him and that he will shape-up. Good luck with everything.

Answer 9

No it's not fair but you can't control peoplee and their actions you are powerless over what some one else does with their lives and decision making skills just continue to be who you are and don't give them that power ok!

Answer 10

All I can say is that you guys have some serious issues here. I see that you got all freaked out over nothing, which means you have issues beyond just the kids. Get some counseling please.