dealing with the ex...?

Question

I am a pretty laid back chick. My husband and I have domicile of his four beautiful children from his ex-wife and we have one bundle of love of our own. His ex doesn't help with the kids but expects regular visitation, which we allow her, regardless of the strain it puts us in sometimes. I am not complaining about this. I document everything. Anything she gets from us is sent certified, return receipt. The most recent return receipt I received, she signed her first name, my husband's last name, and her new married name. I can understand the inclination to want to keep the same last name as your children, however, she's been married for 1 1/2 and never signed her name that way before. I generally try to not let this sort of thing get under my skin and I am surprised it did as much as it has. Can someone help me to stop being so mega sensative about this and be a rational person again!? Thanks!

I think what bothers me most is not the action by her but the fact that I am letting it bug me. Why am I torchering myself about it?

It doesn't matter what her name is; our roles in my husband and our children's life don't change because of it. I just feel kinda like she did it to see if I'd notice (knowing that I would) to see if she could get me to react. And I am, and I don't want to...

Answer 1

I've been there. Actually, I'm still there. My hubby's ex-wife decided to KEEP his name after the divorce, and I have no idea why. The amount of animosity this woman directs at my husband is unreal. It irks me to NO END that this woman has the same last name as I do - and the only reason I can think of is this is her lame attempt to "get back" at him somehow.

It's perfectly normal to be bothered by something like this - I don't think you're being "mega sensitive" at all! Nor have you lost any of your rationality - I consider myself to be a very rational person, but there are some things that will bother even the most even-keeled among us. This happens to be one of them. I think it stems mostly from pride - we're proud to be associated with that name, and having someone we dislike also use it seems to smear our pride a little.

The bottom line? I don't think there's really any way to keep this from bugging you. At least, I haven't found one yet, anyway. I take pride though in not letting it show - so the ex-wife gets no satisfaction from her little ploy. It sounds like you know better than to react to her pettiness - keep your chin up!

Answer 2

yep, i think alot of us women have been or are in a similar situation like yours. the best thing to do is just dont react to such foolishness(at least when she is present). all that is, is the ex wife trying to get a reaction of some sort out of you, most likely a negative one, just to see if you care or if it bothers you in any way. i myself am in a similar situation. my husband and i have been together for 4 1/2 years and recently married last month, we also have a 2 year old daughter. he and his ex wife have a 5 1/2 year old son, which lives with her but comes to our home 5 days a week(we have a daycare). she refuses to change her last name, and she recently had another child by another man but gave the child my husbands last name! she even still wears her wedding ring, and before my husband and i were engaged, she would try to rub the fact that he had married her and not me(yet) in my face. she would even go around telling people that they were still married! anyway, the point is people do things to try and purposely get under your skin because they obviously have some very seruious mental issues of their own. these women cannot except the fact that they lost and you are now in their place, even if they dont even like the man anymore! its not about that, they can be moved on into their own relationships, even remarried, but they will forever have to deal with the fact that they lost to someone else- so they try and hold onto something from that man to i guess show you that they still have something of his. it can be clothes, personal items, or his last name, which is most likely done to bother the new women in his life. so, i dont think you are overreacting or being to sensitve at all! in fact, you seem like a very strong sensable women who has handled the situation quite well. it is ok and very normal for things like this to bother you from time to time, just dont let her see that it does and you will be just fine. and remember, she lost, you won, he is your husband now not hers, no matter what last name she uses!

Answer 3

My wife is going through the same thing with my ex. except I never married my ex.

It's tough, but the only thing you can do is undestand within yourself that his ex wife needs medical help. She's not stable, I don't think I would send my kids back to her. I myself am in an on going custody battle for my 2 children I had with my ex girl friend.

My wife has stood by my side, but it hasn't always been a bed of roses. We have had to work out my wifes issues, and I have had to do a lot of comforting. You sound like a strong woman like my wife, very independent, and sometimes when you strong women get hurt, you hurt greatly.

I hope your husband is trying his best to soothe and love you.

To regain your sanity, remember that the ex has NONE.

Answer 4

Maybe she did that to be funny and also when I was in the stages of divorce from my first husband I wante dto goback to my maiden name but my mother said it may confuse the children so there are two ways to look at don't let it stress you and your family!

Answer 5

I would say to don't let it bother you. I know it does but you can not let it. That's what she wants it to do is bug you. Just brush it off. You have your man and beautiful kids that you both are raising. She is jealous because now she can not have what she lost and you have him so she is going to ruffle your feathers every now and then. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Please! You are overreacting. He is yours and yours only and there is plenty more to worry about othen that the way somebody else writes their name.

Be happy and don't sweat the small stuff. Good luck