How do I make my husband understand that telling me I'm a failure is not going to motivate me?

Question

I have a low self-esteem already. I try to be positive, but sometimes it's hard because I really do fail at alot of endeavors.
I was labeled "gifted" in school, so failing so often is even harder on my self image. I want to succeed and I know he wants the same for me, but he gets so mad at me and calls me names like "stupid", or "lazy". It really hurts and I don't think he understands just how much. Sometimes I think we are just incompatible, but "til death do we part" really means something to me.

Answer 1

#1 - PRAY
#2 - Seek council & read books

...If "till death do we part" means something to you but not to him, and he Constantly puts you down..., BUT if you just pick up on what he said that was demining and NEVER when he praises...

I recomend marrage counciling. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

And this book for you "For women only" by Shaunti Feldhahn...
and for him... "For Men only" by Shaunti and Jeff Fieldhahn...

What you find deming he just sees as information he thinks you should know... HE IS SAYING IT COMPLETLY WRONG IN YOUR EYES.... but that's how he is... straight foward, and trying to get HIS point across...

But if he ever turns VIOLENT in ANY way... MOVE OUT!!!

Answer 2

I read a few answers for your question and felt compelled to answer. Firstly "gifted" in school means you were a very obedient kid. Which is good in itself. But as it might appear to you you were following other people's advices or orders. Now, this generally does not come handy when you are out in the world coz you have to make your own decisions like the marriage you ar into. Failing to me is a stepping stone for success but if you are failing continuously means you are not giving it a good thought, or if you think you are, its not enough. Its usually said that plans never fail, their creators do. To me it means that when planners plan it out they make mistakes and therefore it fails.
Unfortunately you are living in a world where result is everything. So I would suggest you to think a lot before taking on any new endeavor may be consult people. Divorce or kicking him in theb*** is not the solution unless you want t live in a world of solitiude. I am in no way suggesting that your hubby is doing the right thing but what I mean to say is that it s easierto change oneself than changing others. Just give it a thought.

Answer 3

How could he believe that telling you that you're a failure would motivate you? Or that telling you that you're stupid or lazy will help you? You think he believes it? Open your eyes, it's elementary. How would you address a good friend who is indeed failing but could do better? You don't think that you would try to encourage them? Make them believe that even if they failed, it happens to anyone and that they have it in them to succeed? Don't wait until he has so eroded your self-esteem that you won't have any even when you leave him. Either he shuts up now or you should leave. He does not want you to do well, I am sorry to tell you this. I am pretty sure of it. And you have guilt issues you need to overcome.

Answer 4

Answer him "oh, really?? well, I know I'm a lazy and stupid person, but how can we call the person who marries lazy and stupid people?".... or something like that.

By the way... "til death do we part" also comes with the commitment to love, honor and RESPECT you till the last day of his life, for what he said "i do", and I'm sorry to tell you he's not doing it. I'm not married, but I wanna do it someday only once and for the rest of my life, and I also have a low self-esteem (and also considered "gifted" during my infance... and done nothing well so far by my age of 24, not even in school), but if my husband treated me like he does to you, I wouldn't stand it!! look for counseling, it will help you.. if it doesn't, well, consider an "au revoir"

Good luck!

Answer 5

yes, till death do you part does mean something- in this case it means you are sentencing yourself to life with an abusive loser.
I have spent 14 years telling my wife that she IS valuable after a life (childhood in particular) being told she was worthless. this is a woman who has come back from a wedding day that wound up being a trip to the intensive care unit with a broken neck (auto accident- we got married the next day in the hospital), and after years of recovery time she just graduated from the local community college with Honors (3.6 GPA, phi theta kappa, presidents academic distinction list)- doesn't sound like a loser to me, how about you? and you are choosing to stay in a relationship where the one person who is supposed to be supporting you tells you you are "stupid" and "lazy"?
TWO STEPS:
1. dump the loser who is emotionally abusive
2. go out and do what you LOVE- not what some loser expects of you- and THEN you will succeed!

Answer 6

Ask him if he knows what stupid and lazy is, and how he thinks about himself, (is he stupid and lazy or all perfect). How would he know the answer. We are all individuals and do things our own way, if we do not succeed we use this as a learning curve and move on and try things a different way until things work. No one has the answer and can tell you what to do, we are all individuals, people learn to live together and take each other for what they are.

Answer 7

Why don't u just tell him u don't appreciate it when he tells u what a failure u are....When your not getting something done the way u want to ...u can kick yourself in the head u don't need any help from him,unless its POSITIVE reenforcments...tell him he can keep his negativity to himself....and do yourself a favor and Don't listen to him when he's calling u names like stupid or lazy, the only time someone puts someone else down is when there insecure about themselves...It's to make themselves feel better.If he really wanted to help u,he would be helping build u up not tairing u down...like that...how would he like it if the roles where reversed and u said that to him.....

Answer 8

How about "Till self-esteem death do we part"? That kind of belittling, demeaning crap really burns me up. You're either gonna have to stand up to him and DEMAND that you be treated like his WIFE that he loves and not some peice of trash or get counceling or leave him. Next time he calls you som ecrappy name , tell him to F off. Better yet, tell him that God has been talking to you, through me, telling you that you are God's child and God loves you so he better get used to you being a person and not a doormat. Once you really know who you are and how much worth you have and how awesome you are and how lucky you are to be loved by God, then people can say whatever they want and it just bounces off.

Tell your husband that things are gonna change around here. He can wake up and see you for who you are or get left behind.

Answer 9

I am so sorry. You need to have your husband talk to a counselor as it is obvious he will not listen to you. Most often this kind of behaviour is a product of his up bringing and he just does not know any better. In fact, he probably feels this is just "normal" talk. He probably truly does not know the hurt you are feeling and is sufferring from low self-esteem himself.

Answer 10

It sounds like you have the type of husband that has a big ego and no matter if you come out and tell him that it does not motivate you to be told that infact it demotivates you more is not going to make him understand. he sounds like the same kind of guy that only makes himself happy in bed and does not even think about you

Answer 11

This is unfair for him to remark u putting down using depressing words,targetting ur behaviour.
Tell him in advance that u need to talk to him over a serious matter.Fix date and time.Discuss and tell him all u've written here.Assert him that his words are only putting u down.You mean it and that he needs to encourage u by positive words.If not,never to be over critical about u.You were a gifted child in schools and its hard for u to take his negative comments,however unintentional they are in a positive frame of mind.
Be firm and assertive while saying these things to him.Look into his eyes while saying.Dont be ashamed of expressing urself.