What do you think of this so far?

Question

Once upon a time there was a servant girl. Her name was Nikki. She worked in the beautiful palace of Kore. There lived a king named Peter, a queen named Rachel, and a prince named Ben in that palace. Nikki received this job as a servant when she was just a little girl of 7 and her parents “mysteriously” disappeared. She was told that they abandoned her, so that’s what she thought. Deep down, however, she somehow knew that was a lie. Nikki was now 20 and everyday she would wake up before sunrise to prepare for the day of work for the royal family. She cooked their meals, cleaned the rooms, did the washing, and anything else she was ordered to do. It was hard work to care for them day in and day out but Nikki always tried her best to grin and bear it, as the saying goes.
Our story begins in the middle of the day in the kitchen of the palace. Nikki was scrubbing the floors and thinking about her life. Behind her she could hear footsteps and then the annoying voice that followed.

“Slave, oh slave,” said the prince.
“Yes, your majesty?” Nikki said with the utmost respect.
“My sheets are filthy,” he began, “I would like you to wash them again.”
Nikki refrained from taking her rag and pelting him with it and said, “Yes, sir. Right away, sir.”
Nikki climbed the staircase to the prince’s chambers to retrieve the sheets. I just washed these yesterday, that…brat, she thought to herself. She snatched the sheets and went outside to the washing area. As she was washing, she looked to the forest of Kore. It looked oddly familiar to her. Oh sure, she had seen it before but something about it made her think a bit more. All of a sudden she got a flash image of a young man, he was with another older man. She shook her head as if trying to shake them out of her memory and went on with her work without thinking about them again that day.

Later on that evening, when Nikki was going to sleep, she thought of the men one last time before she slept.
“They looked familiar,” she whispered to herself. Nikki soon drifted off into sleep. She dreamt about the one man, the younger one. She was with him, in the forest. Nikki awoke suddenly and shook her head again then got up for her daily chores.

“Breakfast was marvelous, Nikki,” Queen Rachel said.
Nikki smiled, “Thank you, madam,” she replied. She always felt loved by the queen. The king and prince, however, always seemed to be planning a conspiracy against her.
“Well, we must be going, Ben,” said King Peter.
“Going?” the prince said obliviously, as always, “Going where?” Nikki couldn’t help but smile at his stupidity as she took the plates into the kitchen.
“Why into town of course,” his father said, “We must go and get your armory, swords, and that sort of such.”
Prince Ben’s eyes widened. “That’s today?” he asked.
“Yes, son,” the king said nodding his head, “I reminded you yesterday during dinner.”
“But, father,” the prince protested, “can’t we have an armorer come to the palace and give me my armor and such here?”
“I’m sorry, Ben, but I’ve already made arrangements,” the king said sounding everything but sympathetic. So the king and prince went off to town.

“Well, I’m sorry to leave you, Nikki,” the queen began, “but I have a little get together with other ladies of the court. I trust you will be fine alone?”
“Oh, yes, of course, your majesty,” Nikki said.
“Good, good,” Queen Rachel said, “I shall return at about sunset. Peter and Ben should return around the same time as well. Goodbye, Nikki.” The queen left for her get together promptly, leaving Nikki alone in the gorgeous palace of Kore.

Nikki soon finished her chores; they went much quicker without the prince around to interrupt and criticize. Nikki decided she would go look out by the forest again. It wasn’t the most beautiful forest in the kingdom, but Nikki always loved thinking next to it. It brought her a sense of comfort, a sense of excitement. She often wondered if anyone lived there.

Nikki decided to make dinner for the royal family, as sunset was drawing closer.
“What to make, what to make?” Nikki said aloud.
She opened cupboards, looked in the pantry, trying to decide what to cook. Finally she decided to make them spaghetti and meatballs. Nikki got out all of the necessary ingredients and started cooking. Suddenly, there was a knock at the castle door.

Nikki wiped off her hands on her apron and ran to the door. She opened it and saw one of the family friends, Karl of Kensi, the neighboring kingdom.
“Hello, Karl,” Nikki said, “What can I do for you today?”
“Why, hello, Nikki,” he replied, “Is Peter here?”
“No, I’m sorry, he’s not. Would you like to stay and wait for him? He should be back soon.” Nikki said to the king, “You could also stay for dinner if you’d like.”
Karl sighed as he thought about his decision.
“I’m cooking spaghetti and meatballs for Peter, Rachel, and Ben,” Nikki shrugged, “It won’t be a trouble to make a bit more for a guest.”
Karl smiled, “Well, I do love spaghetti and meatballs.”
Nikki smiled back at him, “How about you come in the kitchen with me and we can keep each other company?” The two went into the kitchen and Karl sat down while Nikki finished cooking.
“I’m telling you, it was beautiful. Flowers blooming in the spring, leaves changing colors in the fall,” Karl said, “I think you would have loved it back in the day.” Karl was telling Nikki about the forest of Kore while she was preparing the dinner.
“How do you know so much about the forest, Karl?” Nikki asked.
“Well, I used to live there. Back before the…never mind. But I did live there for about 15 years of my life. Then my mother and I moved to Kensi where she married Josh, the king at the time. So after they died, I took the throne of Kensi,” Karl said.
“Before what?” Nikki asked inquisitively.
“Nothing, you were too little to remember it anyways,” Karl said.
“What are you saying, Karl?” Nikki asked, turning around to face him.
“Okay, I’ll tell you but you must promise me that you won’t tell anyone about it or that I told you,” Karl said secretively.
“I promise,” Nikki said sincerely.
“There was a war,” Karl said, his eyes focusing on hers, “A horrible war. Between the forest folk and the royals of Kore. The forest folk weren’t exactly legal in Kore and once people started realizing that, they complained to the king. The king, of course, wanted to keep his people happy, so he went to war with the forest folk. My father, James, was killed during the war; soon after that, my mother and I fled. Your parents, Kyle and Isabel, were killed as well, about a year after you were born. I remember you from back then, vaguely but I do. My mother took care of you for a month or two before we fled and then you were handed of to Tom and Jack. Tom was a man that everyone in the forest knew. Jack was another kid like yourself, whose parents died in the war. Tom had no family and was great with you two; so he adopted you kids as his own. The three of you lived in peace for 6 years after the war. But then King Peter, in memory of his father, sent out troops to the forest, just to be sure nobody was there. Well, lo and behold, they found you three. They captured you but left Tom and Jack. So that is how you landed your spot as a servant in the palace of Kore. My only dismay is that you couldn’t have lived in Kensi instead.”
Nikki just stared at the king in awe, “So my parents didn’t abandon me?”
Karl shook his head, “No, they didn’t. Everything you’ve been told about your past is a lie.”
At that very moment there was a knock at the castle door. “I’ll go get that,” Nikki said, “And Karl, thanks for telling me the truth.”
“You’re welcome,” he said as she sped off for the door.

At the door was the queen.

“Hello, your grace,” Nikki said, “Karl of Kensi stopped by and I invited him for dinner. I hope that was okay.”
“Of course, Nikki,” Rachel said, “The more the merrier.” Soon after the queen, Peter and Ben arrived.
“So a doctor stops by a man’s house and says ‘Okay I’ve got some bad news and I’ve got some worse news.’ The man says ‘Well what’s the bad news?’ The doctor replies ‘You only have 24 hours to live.’ ‘That’s terrible,’ the man says, ‘what’s the worse news?’ The doctor looks at him and says ‘I forgot to stop by yesterday and tell you.’” Karl said, telling the royal family and Nikki his favorite joke. Everybody busted out laughing.
“That’s a good one, Karl,” Ben said still laughing.
“Well, what’s for dessert?” Peter asked hungrily.
“Chocolate cream pie,” Nikki said bringing it to the table.
“It looks delicious, Nikki,” Rachel said. Ben’s stomach was growling in agreement.

The five finished off the pie without a crumb to spare.

“That was positively the best pie I’ve ever had, Nikki,” Karl said, wiping his beard with his napkin.
“Thank you, sir,” Nikki said as she took the plates to the kitchen sink, “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
“That reminds me, Peter,” Karl said, “When are we going to take Ben out hunting?”
“Well, I don’t really know, Karl,” the king of Kore said, “He still needs to train quite a bit before going out there. I was thinking we could go to the forest of Kore and hunt there.”
Karl and Nikki exchanged quick glances. “No, Peter, I think the forest of Kensi is much better for hunting; Kensi also has a lake, we could go fishing too,” Karl said.
“Oh yes,” Peter replied, “Good idea, Karl. We’ll go to Kensi. I’ll mail you when Ben and I are ready and we’ll plan a day from there.”
Karl stood up, “Well, I guess I should get going. I promised Jenna I wouldn’t be out too late.”
“Oh do tell her I send my best,” Rachel said, “How is she doing, with the baby coming and all?”
Karl smiled, “She’s doing well. I believe she’s due in a couple months. We can’t wait. She’s hoping for a girl, but personally I’m hoping for a boy. Well, again, I must be going. Thank you for having me; and Nikki, thank you for the marvelous dinner and dessert.” He then gave her a look that said, “Remember what I told you, but don’t spread it.” Nikki motioned that her lips were sealed. Peter, Rachel, and Ben went to the door to see Karl off.

Nikki was finishing up cleaning up the kitchen when the family came back in.
“Well, we’re off to our chambers,” Peter said, “Good night, Nikki.”
“Good night, your majesties,” Nikki said.

The three royal members of the family went to their chambers, leaving Nikki to think about what Karl had said. She could hardly believe that her parents had died fighting the same kingdom where she lived. Oh, Nikki thought, Tom and Jack must be the men I saw in my dreams and thoughts. That makes sense now…in an obscure kind of way…

Be honest please. And e-mail me at [e-mail] for comments, updates, etc.

Take note: this is only the beginning, more will come in the future.

Answer 1

It does show creativity, but it's very unpolished. The fact that you wrote it and posted it on the web for the world to read tells me you're determined and willing to learn. With those qualities, you can make it as a professional.

How good this is depends on how old you are. If you're 43, it's really bad. If you're 10, it's really good. Put you age in there and see where you fall on the scale. It also depends on who your audience is. If you're writing for children, this is OK. If you're writing for young adults or older, it not so good.

A few things to keep in mind. Show don't tell. Don't just tell me Nickki is there, show me, with description, who she is and let me see the world through her eyes. Why is Kore beautiful? Draw a picture in my mind with words.

All the information you provide a the beginning is too much to digest. Spread it out and introduce the people and information slowly. Draw your reader in.

If I may, as an example, I rewrote the beginning so you can see what I mean.


Use your talents and make the world a better place.

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Nikki woke up and stretched her stiff muscles. The sun had just come up over the hillside and brought to life the dazzling city of Kore. Even in the early morning light, the white palace walls, decorated with masterful tapestries and brilliant gem stones, was beautiful. Nikki rolled up her only blanket and small mat and placed it on the shelf. As usual, she was one of the first to wake up. She loved this part of the day, before all the work began, when she had a few moments to drink in the fresh morning air and feel its cool breeze on her face. For these few moments she felt free.

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Answer 2

Wow, you have the writing skills of a 3yr old with ADD.

It's very amateurish and not that well written. I'm sorry, but if you were to finish it, no publisher in their right mind would back you on something like that.

Especially with the sentence:
her parents "mysteriously" disspeared.
was it mysterious or wasn't it? That whole quotations around the word is pointless.

The dialog between the charectors is quite boorish really. After about 3 sentences into an actual dialog I gave up and just skimmed the rest of the paragraph. I almost didn't get past the 'Once upon a time' because I'm not a big fan of fairy tales or books that start off like that.

Seriously... 'once upon a time', is that the best you've got. If a person isn't interested in the first paragraph of your book, they won't read the rest of it. 90% of readers judge a book by it's first paragraph. Keep that in mind...

And the transition from when nikki was a child, to 'she is now 20'... do you not know how to do a proper time change? People here will say it's nice, say it's cute, but in reality.. it's not.

Answer 3

My response as it is right now, work on some fine tuning. Descriptions can make or break your story. Also in response to ipshwitz, your comments would be more helpful if you do not resort to insults. Saying that you think a person has "the writing skills of a 3yr old with ADD", is not only unhelpful it is also disrespectful. As you may know since your wife is a popular author, an author's works are part of you. If I were to receive a comment like that from a random person, I would not take it seriously. In looking at your criticisms they have valid points but your intro needs a little work. I believe that snickerdoodle_730 posted her story for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Please consider this next time you post....

Snickerdoodle_730, continue writing and continue to improve. All authors have to start somewhere. Remember keep your chin up and know that God and your family is with you always!

Answer 4

It's a good start.
Here is some REAL advice.
1. Do a search on Sci-Fi or Fantasy critique groups.
2. Ask the owner or "leader" of the group if you can join.
3. Read other members stories and critique them as best you can.
4 Submit your story for critiquing.
Repeat these steps for about a year or two then join a local or on line writing group there you can learn what steps to take to get you toward publication.
Hope it helps.
Good Luck

Answer 5

Good idea and plot but u need practice in writing style and speech. In the times of royalty, the names were wrong. Peter was good, Ben should've been Benjamen, and Rachel and Nikki should be completly differetn. Instead of Your Majesty all the time, use My Lord, Highness, Lady, my Dear Prince, etc.

Answer 6

honestly, it is kind of good, but probably wouldn't buy it, I think it does not trap you from the beginning. I read almost all of it, but with a really good book you just can't stop. Sorry!
The good thing is that most of the people can't do half of what you've done, so you may need some help from an expert and I'm sure you'll do it! Congrats!

Answer 7

Simplistic. Slow beginning and little plot or character developement. IF your going for a fairly tale type story-youmust have a real danger or tragedy. This story reads like it was written by a 12 yr old. All stories must answer who,what when how and why.

Answer 8

This is a good story, snickerdoodle, but may I suggest:

Don't forget your punctation and quotation marks. As another answerer states, correct verbage for royalty ("Her majesty/His Majesty", Your Highness, etc.).

You should have made your blog a manuscript. Rather than in the Q & A area! Try that!

Good luck!

Answer 9

Your sentances need to be tightened up a bit. And you need to keep in mind forms of adress to royalty are; "your majesty" when adressing a king or queen. Not trying to be negative just pointing out things to make your story work a little better.

Answer 10

this is ok writing if you are under 16 years old. Otherwise it lacks maturity and variety of sentance structure. and the way the end trails off into obscurity is immature.