LOST in life?

Question

I'm in a loveless marriage for the last 3 years.I am very passionate, she is very cold.we talk about it all the time, with no resolution for the last 3 years. I try to explain that I need this, and she ignores the severity of the topic.We are like best friends, but has no passion, or nurturing nature. I feel all alone, emotionally. She has no sex drive, I try to inspire her. She is German, and seems very cold and hard. I'm in desperate need of an emotional bond, she can't give me. I don't want to hurt her but I can't go on like this. I feel myself being drawn to a friend, very much like me, and I don't know what to do. Please help.

I have always told her she's beautiful. Hell, I chace her around the house. I bring her flowers. We go out on dates. Four years ago she got a very professional job, and that's when she changed. She used to be all of those things and suddenly stopped. We have talked about it, she doesn't know why. I know my vows of marriage but after all the talking, counseling and crying is over, where does it leave us. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't know what the next move is. I suppose being a hopeless romantic in this day and age doesn't fit.

I don't want to be a failure. Although, I don't want to lie to myself about my marriage either, not to mention the fact that maybe my soulmate has been in my life all along.

This is the first time I've ever posted anything. (Desperate times call for desperate measures i suppose) The responeses have been insightful and confusing at the same time. I suppose I have a much deeper issue that I need to resolve. I would rather suffer than hurt someone. Long story. I do love my wife, but I feel it's more of a friendship. I don't konw if I have let this go on too long and now I have detached myself. I have talked to her and told her I cannot go on like this. I need passion and to know that my wife yerns for me. I don't expect the girlfriend and boyfriend level but once a year would make me feel good. I feel my self esteem crushed, how I feel about myself and constant rejection. I try and try.. Is counseling the last step? I told her last week, I need to get right with myself and stop letting other people dictate my self esteem. I don't konw if the grass is greener, but there must be someone who accepts me for me. out there

Answer 1

One cannot live in a loveless relationship. If there is only coldness, then there is no relationship. Weigh anchor and move on, it will only get worse. I've been there. I know.

Answer 2

Well..it would seem that we have a couple of issues to look at.

We have what seem to be two different personalities trying to go along without conforming to one another. I do not know the entire situation, but I wonder about the behavior of your wife. Was she like this when you were first married? If so, then you must have realized early on that there was a difference in the way you each responded to "loving" each other. Was it not evident in the beginning of your marriage that she was more reserved in showing strong emotion? Look at this also from your wife’s point of view. She may be seeing you as overly emotional in the same fashion as you see her as “cold and hard”. When you married, you both accepted the other as they were. However, it is common that overtime you both affect and change each other in ways that make you more common. Has this not occurred for you two?

I also understand the fact that the communication is simply not working. You want her to feel the "severity" of the topic, but for her, that may not be possible because she simply does not see it that way. If this topic has been addressed for three years now without a resolution then there definitely must be a shortcoming in the way you two are communicating.
It would appear that a mediator or counselor must become involved in order to help bring both of you into the situation on equal ground, instead of feeling like you are passionately struggling and she is apathetically satisfied.

Finally I must say that counseling may not always work. I personally have been own beliefs regarding divorce, however, I realize that not all marriages are saved. There come a time when you both may decide to go separate ways. With that said, I must say this. Until that day, until you have tried every resource available and the marriage is dissolved...you must remain faithful and strong towards your wife. You say you are in "desperate need" of an emotional bond; however that can happen in many other ways. Friends and family can all share with us an emotional bond. Seek out emotional ties in appropriate ways.

My advice...Seek professional marriage counseling -and- do not put yourself in any compromising situations that you may regret later.

Best of luck to you both.

Answer 3

Forget about oaths. Do what makes you both happy, or at t least one of you.

Im not sure if you're being fully honest with yourself. Try to look at this from her perspective too, or maybe even imagine being a fly on the wall.

Now clearly you're not happy, and neither is she.

You must try to communicate, with or without a counsellor.

You need decide whether or not you can actually split up or if you can't, why not?

If you genuinely have tried everything and you arent getting anywhere, then split up.

Once you have done this, you must remain open to continue to look after her. But beware, she may look elsewhere too.

What would she say if you split up. Would she be surprised?

If so, then you haven't really communicated properly yet have you?

Think about these things, write a plan, then think some more.

If children are involved, dont split up til you've tried everything.

You seem to be looking for support from others to bolster your position, and make you feel 'right'. You cannot be right in this case.

This friend of yours.......wait. You are clearly not putting all of your energy into the marriage. You are putting energy into making yourself feel better and being the victim.

Answer 4

u know..i am in the same situation...married but passionless. But, it looks like that ur still very much in love with ur wife. Being drawn to someone else is so very natural. Ur are yearning for attention and love. So, u will definately attract that from other ppl. But, is that what u want? Do u want to start allover again with someone else. And are u sure ur fren is feeling the same way for u, it could be just phsycal. The grass always looks greener on the other side.If u want to leave ur wife...contemplate and do so, only if have tried ur very best to repair the marriage. Don't start anything else in between...give it some time to cool off. Don't run from one relationship to another. That's gonna cause more chaos. take it from me, i almost started an affair...but managed to hold back. Although my problems are not solved, at least we are talking. I did mention to my husband that i am very lonely and need someone to connect with. I guess that did it. The idea that i am looking outside marriage for comfort. Hope u will pull thru.

Answer 5

I have been there! But if you can say to yourself that you have tried everything to save your marriage and nothing has worked then leaving it may be your best bet, especially if your interested in someone else. But before you do that, wait 6 mos to a year before you jump into another relationship. This will allow you time to deal with the issues that bother you so much with your current wife, so that when they re occur in other relationships you don't make them pay for past issues. Its hard not feeling passion and excitement with the person you love. You have to both put in 110%. you shouldnt be putting in 220%. You have to decide if you'll be happier alone. Good Luck!

Answer 6

yeah like some people say when you take the vows of the wedding you should think about it twice before married. But I did that my first wife and we fight all the time and we aruge all the time and she never have sex drive or anything and I had to end the 6 months marriage. I will not put my health worst than this. She even want Divcore me 6 times in last 6 months and I end it for her. I got married with second wife and much better and we been married for 9 years and 2 beauitful kids. My wife is not my best friend but my best wife in the world.. I have best friend who is woman for 7 years. My wife knows and she trusted me alot. so ... Time time wonderful person to be with and no plm until you get married end up like this plm.

Answer 7

You say she changed when she got a professional job. My first thought is that she is so stressed in her job that she can't put it out of her mind and unwind. A woman has to be somewhat happy and relaxed to enjoy sex. There might be an element of sex with you that makes her uncomfortable. Of course it's possible she's involved with someone else. You haven't said what she thinks about all of this. Does she wish she felt sexier, or is she uninterested in you all together? She could have a medical problem, too. She should see a doctor. She could be depressed or have hormonal problems, or even be low on vitamins. I think I'd try to get her to see a doctor and make sure her health is good. It could be a lot of things besides just what's obvious.

Answer 8

I think your wife excepted you for you when you got married.
However If you are looking else where for things you need than you shouldn't be married to the one you are with.
I think that you already answered your own question over and over and over again, you are just procrastinating on the action.

The funny thing about life is when you want something to change, or happen, or get better. It takes action for these things to happen. If you love your wife then try the counseling bit and see how it goes. Also be honest with your wife and yourself and talk threw this, it may mean that the two of you get a divorce and move on with your lives..
Good luck

Answer 9

You took an oath, for better and for worse---in sickness and in health until you both part. Those are very serious words in my book man! I think you should try counseling or talk about splitting. Three years is a long time to hide yourself and lock your passion up---but do not be mistaken, your promise to your wife should come first. If things do not change you may begin to become resentful and hateful towards her. Again, i say counseling first (maybe she has problems she may be hiding from you) and second, if you can't work it out---i think you have to go---before you lose yourself! Good Luck!

Answer 10

Most important thing you say you dont want to hurt anyone ok so cheating is not an option! no matter what!!! Well if you say she is like your best friend and there is no love then i say you tell her that you forever want to be her friend but you are going to find a new wife. I am saying it ...Divorce i know it sounds scary and bad but i promise there are tons of romantic fools out there!(i should know i am one) From what you have said i can tell you that i wouldnt be happy either romance is important!! If you really dont want to hurt her than leave her on good terms! dont wait for yourself to lose control and cheat! besides you have only felt this way for 3 years imagine how you will feel an eternity from now?well i hope my advice helps you!

Answer 11

I don't know how to go about the resolving of this. As long as you have done everything you know to do or try then its down to her. You may have to give her an ultimatum. You may want to keep trying. Don't keep trying forever though. That will destroy you. I learned that the hard way. There is a giving up point.

YOU as a person..an individual in your own right, deserve to be loved and happy. IF at the end of it you feel you have to walk away, you can do so knowing that you didn't take it lightly, and you did everything you possibly could. Don't lose sight of yourself.