For love or marriage?

Question

When I married my husband I was in love with him and now I am not. We have a four month old daughter now and we bicker and fight all the time. Has any one else been through this? Does it get better? Do all marriages reach a point when you don't feel you love your spouse?

Answer 1

Marriage isn't easy. Two people trying to co-exist together is very difficult. But it shouldn't be about love. Love is a feeling - feelings change. If you base everything on love it will all fail. But if you base your marriage on the grounding that you want to make this work no matter what, then love will be there. Love is also a concious choice - you can wake up in the morning and say to yourself "No matter what, today I choose to love." It's not easy at all, there are times when I don't want to love my husband. But I do. I choose to. And same with him, I'm not the easiest person to live with - but he always chooses to love me.

You need to stay together for yourselves first, and secondly for your daughter. She needs the love from both her parents together all the time.

Get some professional help - marriage councellors can do wonderful things for your marriage. It is worth it to stick together through the tough times, because they won't always be tough times.

Answer 2

Go get a gun and shoot blanks. Just for kicks.. put in some live ammo now and then - ok.. just kidding.

If a marriage doesn't have ups and downs, I'd imagine it would not be a completely healthy one. Everybody changes. Minds change. Likes and dislikes change. You picked somebody that you thought you would most likely make it through all of these changes.

Personally, I think most people give up too quickly.

I also think that if most married couples would go to a mediator and just discuss things, their lives would be 10 times better.

If you say "I hate you" and a week later you still haven't felt sorry.. then you got a biiiiggg problem. and need serious counseling, not just a mediator. However, if you say you're sorry and mean it and realize that you shouldn't have said that - then I'd say it's a healthy relationship and sheet happens.

The odd thing, is that you title this love or marriage.. as if you are already wanting to make a decision. Not too sure what to say about that.

But in regards to your questions... I think bickering and fighting is common - and you need to start finding more common ground and communicating better. The problem is figuring out who won't give in to compromise..

My wife and I are both very bull headed and set in our ways.. so it's sometimes quite difficult to have discussions.

I think if everybody had a mission statement for their marriage, it would SERIOUSLY help out every marriage.. something on the wall.. says how you met.. why you got together (what attracted you to each other) and why you love each other and why you would never break up this - world would be with so many fewer divorces and bickering couples.

If you wanna chat., I'm open... but usually it's easier to talk to another lady about things like this. However, at times talking to a guy is also good - gets both view points. And if you go .. oh geeze, guys just don't get it - then I think you yourself gotz a problem - and... maaayyyybeee you don't like guys. :)

Answer 3

Yes, I have been in your situation. I have been married 9 years, and have an 11 year old daughter, 9 year old son, and a 5 year old son. The last couple of years in our marriage I have also felt the same way. And yes it does get better. We use to fight all the time and even over the littlest things. I don't know why marriages reach this point but as long as the two of you can get through it only makes your marriage even stronger. Knowing that you can make it through the rough patches. Just give it time and it will get better. There were days where I just wanted to grab my kids and our things and leave because I just couldn't stand being around my husband anymore, but I never could get the nerve to actually leave. I guess that was because i did still love him, and now our marriage is a lot stronger than it ever has been. A lot of times all it takes is to sit down and have the both of you get all your feelings and frustrations out in the open.

Answer 4

I myself have been through this. my son was 3 months when my ex and I finally seperated. That was a hard thing to do because I didn't believe in divorce. We were arguing all of the time. After our divorce, it took a couple of years, but we finally got to the point where we were able to talk without all of the fighting. My life has changed so much since then, for the better. I found that I was unhappy and knew that if not for the divorce, I may still be this way. My son even after the divorce, was about 3, asked me why we fought so much. That really hurt. I didn't realize that he would see this. My parents have been married for 33 years, and they are still very much in love. More now than before. I never understood that, but it is true. They seem to be more inlove with each other every day. Maybe you your spouse should try counseling to see if that helps. Just maybe this is because of the stress of becoming new parents. I hope that is all is, and wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

If there is nothing else going on there it's sounds perfectly normal. Having a young child blind sides you right into parenthood. One day your romantically in love and the next you are an exhausted mom and dad going through the motions and there is no time for love or each other. You need to drop baby off at a relatives house and spend some time together. You will be better parents if you find your way back to each other and don't feel guilty about being human. As the baby get ts bigger and you get use to be tired all the time it will start to get easier but do take advantage of the people that will help you with a night off. You need it and your baby will feel your stress or happiness.

Answer 6

If you married your husband because you loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of your life, how is it possible that you have fallen out of love with him so soon? Every couple goes through these phases, now that you have a daughter with him your love for him should be even stronger! Don't give up, love is very precious and sacred! When you see that you are getting irritated with him or vice-versa, in any way and the bickering or fighting is about to begin, you should take your daughter to the park, or for a walk, this will give your husband, & your self a little time to cool off and think things through! Also it will keep your baby girl from having to witness the anger and frustrations that the two of you have towards oneanother. She is defenceless, The two of you should be thinking of her well being, not your own!
She didn't ask to come into this world, it was the two of you who made that decision for her!!!!
I wish the two of you the best of luck,
God Bless!

Answer 7

yes but it will pass. A new baby really adds to the stress. Just remind yourself the good points he has. Why you married him.
Your hormones are whacky right now too. It will get better. Be kind and act like you love him. Ask what his favorite meal is and cook it. Have a cold iced tea or beer for him when he comes home. Thats not really a big thing to do but little things add up. He is probably stressed too. Kindness goes a long long way even with your spouse. All the nice and kind things you do for your spouse are like smoking a peace pipe. You have to make an effort sometimes but it is so worth it.
Celebrating 35yrs of practice.

Answer 8

it sounds like your just stressed from a 4 month old baby. If in fact you know that you loved your husband then chances are you STILL love him. And yes I think alot of marriages weather this storm hon and all you can really do is wait it out. Know that when a baby comes along alot of times fighting and arguing follow, we have to try to understand that the hubby may be feeling very left out also and is prolly suffering along with you. If you 2 cant find a way to fix this maybe you should seek professional counceling before giving up if nothing more than to say you tried every thing before you gave up for your daughter AND yourselves. Good Luck Hon I hope All works for your family either way

Answer 9

I think everyone ask that question to themselves. You should try talkin and counseling. Not only are your feelings involved now but a baby is to. This kind of unstableness isnt good for her. Everyone needs to be considered in this situation. I think it can work if both of you want it to. There needs to be some serious communication and prayers. I've been there but I'm most thankful that my husband and I could talk and overcome our situation. There are going to be things that both of you will not like to hear from one another but it needs to be done. I'm sure if you think how you loved him before and both make a commitment to each other to try then it can work. In my situation weve been together eight years with two kids and there are times that it is trying but I married my husband for better or worse. When I took them vows I made a promise and for that I will do what I can to make my relationship work. That is as long I'm not being disrespected in anyway. Sometimes all it takes is one person to make a situation better. Both of you need to wake up each day and say to each other what can I do to make your life and day better. Hope you can pull your marriage back together. There is a little one that is involved that would love to grow up knowing that her mom and dad is in love and stand by each other threw everything. She doesnt want to think that she wasnt created from love or that she was the fault her parents were not together. If things dont work now she will never have the knowledge of her mom and dad in love taking caring of there wonderful little girl.

Answer 10

Marriage takes WORK and COMMITMENT. It is not easy when kids come and things naturally change. And that is one of the reason why there SHOULD be marriage. Your daughter deserve an intact home. You will get through this period and it will get better. Both of you need to be understanding of each other's needs and care for each other. Just because you are not in love with him now does mean this has to end. Make it work for your daughter and make it work for you. Behave AS IF you love him and chances are eventually those feeling will return. He will much more likely respond to you in a more loving way. Us guys tend to take our cues from our women!