I am 34 single mom w/a four year old daughter. I am separated for over a year and her father has lost contact with me and moved to Texas. I have been dating for a while and he gets mad that I tell my daughter that she will always only have one daddy. That he lives in Texas. I do not tell her that he is not coming back( he send no financial help at all). New guy thinks that since he is taking daughter to movies and buying her stuff that I should not be telling her this. That its confusing her and makes him feel like "What the hell am I?" He now told me that we should not move in together until I am divorced becasue he thinks I want my ex back. If i could afford the divorce I would get it tomorrow. I dont want anything to do w/ex, but how to i break a 4 year olds heart and tell her her daddy left her forever...
2006-06-25 09:35:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You can see his point but also your dealing with a little girl who has no knowledge of grown up things, so sit down with him and explain that someday she will give him the right to be called Daddy but he has to be cool about it. Otherwise this little girl will resent him thinking because of him she doesn't see her Father, notice a different in Daddy and father. It takes a special kind of man to be called Daddy. He needs to be there for her and allow her to grow with him and not use this as a pawn to see how you feel about the ex.
2006-06-25 09:41:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 9⤊ 0⤋
I was a single mom for years and then remarried 10 years ago, my new husband was very careful to be the "father figure" in our home but never try to take the place of their dad. Your ex will always be her daddy and that makes her feel special. I agree that you should get a divorce before moving in together but for different reasons than your boyfriend. I think you need some space and time to be a mother first and if he can't see that you will not allow him to erase your daughter's father from her life, (which by the way your ex seems to be doing a good job of all on his own), then he isn't someone you need in either of your lives. Your ex will always be a part of your life whether you like it or not so if your boyfriend can't make peace with that then it will be a thorn in your relationship for the rest of your life. When he makes statements like "What the hell am I?" tell him that he is your boyfriend and since he hasn't made a solid commitment to you and your daughter that's what he is going to stay. If you need help with your divorce try calling your local legal aide and in some states you can file yourself with a kit you can get a bookstore. Do a little research. Also make darn sure to file for child support she has a right to that. Please don't jump into a commitment that could result in your daughter getting attached to another "daddy" to only have him ripped out of her life. Good Luck
2006-06-25 16:55:54 · answer #2 · answered by G-Mommy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My advice would be not to give your daughter high hopes that her daddy may be coming back when the reality is that you really don't know. Best to be completely honest in the gentlest way possible. Tell her that daddy is gone now and you don't know when he will be back. Let her know that he loves her and that he is her daddy and when and if he ever does come back she should give him a chance to explain to her what happened. Let her know that you will always be there for her and you love her. This is important because she has already been abandoned by one parent and really needs to be reasured that at least mommy will always be there no matter what.
As for your boyfriend, he is right not to want to move in knowing that you are still technically married to someone else. There are programs out there that will help you get a divorce (free or subsidized) if you are low income. Let him know that you appreciate all that he does but you have to be honest with your daughter about who she is and he should understand. If not, then he is not the right person to help raise your daughter. I'm sorry but you two come as a package deal and he should want to do what is right, not what feels comfortable for him.
2006-06-25 16:49:56 · answer #3 · answered by Oracle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you need to tell her kids are smart they figure things out just let her know daddy loves her. I am a single mom of 2 boys when we left my ex husband they were 1 and 3 now they are 5 and 3 there dad does not help me or he has not seen them in almost two years but they have learned that we can still be a family and not live with daddy although i have not had another man in my life yet they are OK with the fact that daddy has moved on with some else and they now have a new sister from their dad. if she has someone else in her life that is doing the job her dad should don't dwell on explaining about her dad she will figure it out and move on my boys don't talk about their dad as much just do not speak bad about her dad in front of her that is not fair to her she will figure out everything when she is older
2006-06-25 16:45:46 · answer #4 · answered by rachiecakes 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't.
Your boyfriend is just that --- your boyfriend. And, if one day you and he marry, then he will be your daughter's STEP-father.
Don't sacrifice your daughter and her rightful place as the daughter of your ex (whether or not he is involved or not) to give in to the insecurities and selfishness of your boyfriend.
You have a choice here: stand up for my daughter (a child whose obligation and duty is yours to protect) or give in to your boyfriend (a supposed adult).
My girlfriend had this same issue. She started to tell her daughter to call her new husband "daddy" because he insisted. Well, when her real father came back into the picture, it caused all sorts of havoc! No, not for the daughter! No, not for my friend. But, for her idiot new husband, who couldn't stand that his step-daughter would have a relationship with her own father!
In the end, it had nothing to do with the daddy/step-father/step-daughter relationship. It had to do with her husband's insecurities and selfishness. Their relationship is on the ROCKS due to this issue. He just can't get over the fact she had a relationshiph with the ex and they have a child together.
Immaturity on the boyfriend's part is what it is. And, it is certainly NOT LOVE. Not for you, not for your daughter. If he loved you, he would understand your longing to have your daughter know her father. If he loved your daughter, he would understand a child's need to have a place. Her place as the daughter of a man who may one day get the privilege of knowing her.
Sorry, just calling it like I see it.
2006-06-25 16:47:59 · answer #5 · answered by Randa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with your daughter. Set her aside and tell her in a way that she will be able to understand. Your daughter has only one father and one mother and no one in this world can take that away from either one of you. If your boyfriend is not understanding and is insisiting that your daughter consider him her father he is mistaken. Your boyfriend can not replace your daughter's father no matter how much he buys her things or does things with her.
You need to explan first to your daughter and be as honest as possible about mommies and daddies, then talk to her in a way that she will be able to undersand that her father no longer will be in her life and make sure and always reassure her that she is still loved and that it is not her fault. Then you need to talk to her about your boyfriend (only if you are serious about him and plans on getting married) what role he will be playing in her life. If you don't think that this guy you are with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with DO NOT have your daughter get too attached with him.
The next thing you need to do is sit down with your boyfriend and clarify his role in your daughter's life and that if he is not going to invest the time and effort then you need to walk away from that relationship and find someone who will.
As for getting a divorce all you need to do is seek legal advice and if your husband is MIA more the better because your husband has a certain amount of time/days as to when he is to response and if he can not be served with the papers then you can go to the court and tell thenm that you have tried getting in contact with your ex but you are not able to find him. This should not cost you no more than the filing fees if your ex does not contest everything. If he doesnot response within a certain amount of days your petition will be granted to you but you need to take the first stp and seek legal help and options
2006-06-25 17:17:37 · answer #6 · answered by psylocke 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My ex wanted to stop paying child support, so she asked if she could have her parental rights removed. We (my Daughter and I discussed it) let her off child support, but I gave her a great big "HELL NO!" on the parental rights thing. She has a Mom, she knows her Mom, nothing's changing that. You're doing the right thing, just get that divorce finalized.
2006-06-25 17:02:51 · answer #7 · answered by 42ITUS™ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you know its right that you say how i should break a for year old girl but now its a good time because she is young if you wait its bad because she wants her dady more and she will get use to her so i know its hard to break she is heart but do it until when do you want to wait the more you wait things get bad i know what i am saying because my mom had the situation that you have and now i am a 15 year old child and a divorce child and she wait and i growed up and i got use to my family and she always say why didnt i do it when you were a child and now i am sad why didnt she do it when i was a child but now its too late so do the right thing and trust your self at first and then your heart.
2006-06-25 17:03:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
your daughter has a right to know that this other guy is not her father, but also at her age she shouldnt go through life knowing that her father left her forever. you shouldnt tell her that her father left her forever at this age, you should wait till she gets older. but if she asks you about her biological father then you need to explain to her that her father is somewhere in texas and you dont know where he is but you will be happy to help her find him. kids deserve to know both of their parents and even if you dont have feelings for him you should still try to get along for your daughters sake.and as far as the other guy, you should tell him that you dont have feelings for the other guy, but you feel that your daughter should know that he is not her biological father, but if the little girl wants to call him father you dont have a problem with it
2006-06-25 16:42:56 · answer #9 · answered by blondie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i know how u feel when i waz 3 my mom told me that my daddy will never come back and i am now 13. try to buy her things that she might want and then sit down and talk to her i still miss him
2006-06-25 16:41:37 · answer #10 · answered by karebear 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋