Who would like to help me to check and improve my composition?

Question

Who would like to help me to check and improve my composition?
As soon as possible, I need it in 4 hours!
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1238624981

I mean you need visit my blog to check my essay, especially the colocation.

Answer 1

I was born on June 30, 1978 into a worker’s family. My parents were workers in textile factories. My father is from Jixi county, Anhui province(,) which is also (the birthplace of) Mr Hu Shi and President Hu Jintao. My mother is from Shanghai. (During (the) Cultural Revolution,) both of (my parents) were sent (to work) in the rural mountainous areas of Wuwei county, Anhui province, where I was born. I am the only child in my family. I was raised by my grandmother in Shanghai until (I was) six years old, so I can speak the dialect (of Shanghai.)



I was sent back to Wuwei to go to primary school up to (fifth) grade(.) Then my family moved to Tongling city, Anhui province for my future because it is better to find a job in a city than that in a county. My parents quit their jobs in the Wuwei Textile Factory and worked in the Tongling Textile Factory instead. I finished my primary school in Tongling and continued my junior and senior middle school in Tongling No. 3 Middle School. We settled down in Tongling till now.



In 1996, I passed my (college entrance examinations) and enrolled at the Anhui Normal University. I chose a normal university (because) my family is poor and going to a normal university means a stable job in the future. I chose English as my major because I was good at English then and (I thought it would allow me able to find a good job quickly.) I was half right. When I graduated from the university four years later, I found a teaching job easily in the Anhui University of Technology and Science. However, the job was not satisfactory because of (the) low salary of RMB yuan 1000 **I don't understand what this means; I think you should say 1000 yuan but not sure where the RMB should be placed.** every month and the (ridiculous, rigid management by the department ruling teachers.)


After five years’ teaching, I quit my job and began my postgraduate study. I decided to (pursue) a (master’s) degree (at **what school?**) partially for my mother’s dream of returning to her hometown (of) Shanghai.



My wife comes from Lu’an city, Anhui province. We got to know each other in school and we worked in the same university. She is beautiful, smart and kind. I married her three years ago despite **or in spite of** being unable to afford a house. I feel that I owe (it to her to buy a house), but she cheer(s) me up by saying, “I love you so I married you. It’s you that I marry, not the house. We may rent one if we can not buy one.” However, I still feel money is really a big problem for me now.



Life is full of chances and choices. (Looking back at) the choices I have made, I find it is hard to say they (were) good ones or bad ones. Though I do not know whether it is right to choose to pursue an academic study, I know definitely that (my decision to come to Shanghai) was a turning point in my life. I should (take) this opportunity to gain some work experience in business since I know little about business.**Previous sentence is unclear to me.** It is better to gain some experience to see if this career is suitable for me **better than what?**. As for (whether) I will settle down in Shanghai, I know it is difficult but I would like to try. I think, in the future, I might continue to teach, mostly as a middle school teacher, or I might to choose to work in a company to do some business-related work. No matter what I choose, I know the most important thing is to concentrate on it so that I can succeed.


I am a kind of (artistic) person in (visual arts rather than literature.) I have a gift for (graphics); I won many drawing competitions when I was young. Though I like painting very much, I am not able to choose it as my career because I am color-blind. That does not mean I cannot see the colors but just cannot distinguish some of them sometimes. This is another reason I chose English as my major. ( to be continued)

Most of my changes are in parentheses, not all.... Comments and suggestions are between pairs of asterisks. I had some difficulty with the paragraph that begins "Life is full of.." I am a little confused about the choices. Also the last paragraph seems very out of place, but maybe it will fit better with whatever comes after it.

Answer 2

Grammar and Composition.

Answer 3

I would but I do not understand Japanese.