Why do lesbian femmes come down so hard on butches? Why is it always, if I wanted a man i would be with a man?

Question

We try hard to treat or women right, with love and respect. But I always hear femmes talking about they only date femmes and dont like butches. Btw Bi-sexual girls dont count, i'm talking about real lesbians.

Answer 1

You are just not dating the right people, I think.

I am a femme lesbian, and happily off the dating circuit permanently now... but I dated nothing but butch girls for years. Definitely what I would call "my type."

So to answer your question, why do they do that?

There are jerks in every walk of life. Even a group that is so heavily discriminated against (GLBT), has plenty of members that discriminate against groups (butch girls) too.

Prejudice is ugly in any form. You are better off not dating anyone who has prejudice anyway, right? Just remember there are plenty of non-judgmental lesbians out there (you sound like one of them!) for you to find.

Your femme princess is out there looking for you, wondering why all the butch girls don't take lesbians in high heels and lipstick seriously. (I heard stuff like that a LOT!)

Good luck to you!

Answer 2

From my many years of observation -- I'm a self described soft butch -- it could be due to the fact that some butch women take it to the extreme. Some dress like a man, walk like a man, look like a man, behave like a man and call their best butch friend "brother." The first time I heard that I turned around and started looking for an male person. I mean they truly play the part! I really noticed this when I lived in Dallas/Ft. Worth. If you found yourself standing next to a femme and struck up a converstaion with her and then her butch partner comes up -- some display the behavior that is present in a jealous man. They scare me. Then they give you this look as to say "why you disrespecting me by talking to my woman"? Like some men, these butches jump to conclusions. As a clergy person, I know a few of these butches who take it to the next level, beating their girlfriend. So yeah, I can see why a femme would say "if I wanted a man, I go get a man."

Just because a woman describes herself as "butch" doesn't mean she has to be all "hard." My baby loves it that I'm soft butch and I love it that she's femme. She told me if I'd been one of those hard butch lesbians she would not have even talked to me.

Answer 3

Hey there.... I know you have heaps of answers already and a few who have said almost exactly what I'm about to say, but I'll add my two cents worth anyway!

I am a femme and do quite like a gorgeous butch! I am currently in a LTR with a wonderful, sexy tomboy, and although when I first realised I was a lesbian sought out other femmes, I am now attracted to the butch end of the scale, for sure. I guess with experience and maturity my tastes and preferences changed.

Please don't doubt that there are many many femmes out there who love a nice butch..... yours is out there somewhere!

Answer 4

It is just a preference. I am a femme and I love butch women.
I can understand where some come from with that statement. I use the word butch to describe the role and type of dress that a woman plays in the relationship.
Example: Wear boyish clothes (TOMBOY), open doors for their partner, take out the trash, fix things around the house.

Where I come from we call buthces by a different name. We call them Doms; from the word dominant. In NY they are called agressive. From these examples you can understand my thinking of the butch female.
The comment "If I wanted a man I would be with a man" may be because you are a lesbian because you want to be with a woman. And you want to be able to look at that person and know she is a woman and not have to look at her chest area to figure it out. I'm not saying that this is a good answer but at least it is an answer.

I love my butch women, and I want you to stay strong and patient. The femme with an open mind and heart is out there waiting for you. Trust me we are out there. Don't change yourself or what you are wiiling to do for you woman. I know from first hand there are very few (at least where I live) butches who know how love, treat and respect a femme. Don't let me down.

Answer 5

The problem is, and I am a seriously femme lesbian, we sometimes use our femme identity to fit in/ pass and we aren't quite ready to fully accept the lesbian identity and be seen with someone so obviously lesbian. I think that some femmes, after getting to know themselves and really loving themselves, they learn to love butches and appreciate the courage that it takes to look at the world and say "f*ck gender norms, I am who I am." As a baby femme, I couldn't understand why butches wouldn't just put on a skirt, try to fit in, and leave their private life in the bedroom. But to truly accept oneself is to embrace the identity as more than who you sleep with but also who you are 24/7. I suggest any femme read "Stone Butch Blues" by Leslie Feinberg and you will learn just how valuable butches really are. After reading it, I had the most meaningful and passionate relationship that I ever had with a butch-- I will always love her.

Answer 6

If I were an angry young man I should take you up on your dismissal of bisexuals - and how that makes me feel just as you do when you hear those femmes.

But I'll let that slide, because we're talking preferences.

I'm saddened that your experiences with femmes have been so negative. I've counted butch/femme couples as friends. So don't despair, if the ones you've encountered to date only prefer to be with femmes - there are others out there who prefer butch lesbians.

I just hope that your preferences are met and fulfilled by someone who tries as hard to treat you right as you do her.

Best wishes

Answer 7

Dang,,, didn't mean to bite your question. I asked this in other words about 20 minutes ago. Personally I love studs/butchs. I agree that some people do come hard on yall and its not right. I think a femme is nice to look at but a stud will forever hold my heart!!

Answer 8

It just goes to show that even within our community, we are as prone to label people and show prejudice as the rest of the world.

There is a mistrust that many people have of anyone who doesn't fit into neat little boxes.

I dated a guy right up to the point when he said of drag queens, "If I wanted a woman I would be with a woman." That was it for me. I got up, paid for the drinks, and left. Within the next week, I had a drag as a close friend and had my first experience in drag. I even got to throw it in his face (the drag, not the drink, unfortunately).

I even know gay men who won't spend time with lesbians. They snark at me because I have several buthes as friends and enjoy spending time with me! They treat me like a princess and who doesn't love that?

If people have a preference for a particular type of person, why can't they just prefer them without having to put others down in the process? As has been posted here, not every femme feels that way and maybe you can find a more open and less prejudiced group somewhere else.

Answer 9

Please remember that everybody is different. Even tho you're still a woman, you share the appearance of that which might certain femmes uncomfortable. I'm a soft butch and I am probably uncomfortable with femmes and diesel dykes. Thank goodness we all have our own preferences or there would be no need for Baskin Robbins 31 flavors. lol Good luck Have some patience.

Answer 10

I think you've had bad luck with femmes. I know many, many femmes who love butches. Don't give up, have you tried Curve Personals? They have a great personal match-up program and you know from the get go who's attracted to butch/femme. Good luck, and just like "never say never" - "never say always." :)