Need advise please help........I don't know what to do!!!?

Question

This is going to be long please bare with me I seriously need help.


First off I'm 22 and am married to a 26 year old guy we have been married 5 years together 7 and we have a beautiful 4 year old little girl. Now our marriage fell apart cuz I cheated on him while I was working out of state, I know that what I did was horrible and I hate myself for it, it wouldn't of happened if he had just gone with me he was not working and has not been working for almost 2 years. Why I'm not quite sure he'll get a job and have it maybe a few weeks then quit. But that is not an excuse for what I did. Well he tells me he doesn't want to be with me and he hates me but he doesnt want me to leave because he wont have a good car and doesnt have money to pay bills. He says if I can just stay untill he gets a job and is on his feet. I feel like I owe him cuz of what I did. Thing is if I leave I go back to live with my Mom untill i can get on my feet and I don't really want to have to do that. (out of room)

Okay the work I do I will be gone for about 4 weeks to maybe 6 weeks and he would always go with me and this one time he didn't want to go I was so torn because I was going to be away from my daughter and him I cried so much before I had to leave. I had never been alone anywhere and I was 3 states away. I started messing around with my boss and he flew up there and found out. I didn't know how I felt at that time I was really confused, he flew back home with our daughter and I told him that maybe we should just take a break from eachother and he could do his own thing, he said fine and was okay with it so my Mom took our daughter and he stayed in our house and partied all the time and lived off the money I was making and I was fine with that cuz I hurt him and owed him he was also with girls he wont tell me how many he'll only admit to one but that doesn't matter. Don't know what else to say really. I know what I did was wrong and nothing justifies it.

Okay he cheated on me twice two years ago and I forgave him for it he use to be very wild and would go out all the time I am more of a person that doesn't like to go out but maybe 1 or 2 times a month. He did not however have s e x with anyone or thats what he says however I do believe him.

Answer 1

Why do u have to leave? Make his *** get out! He is not contributing to any of the bills! He seems to me that he is lazy! I think you should be rid of him! If he doesnt know now, how sorry you are that u cheated, then forget him! If i were in your shoes, i would make him go live with his mom. Sounds like he is using u for your car and that u are paying all of the bills!

Answer 2

Hey tainted, So sorry to hear what you are going through, I'm a guy but I think i understand what your going through. I can definately relate to it .
But listen, i know you are guilty and you feel guilty, and thats not a great thing right now, but you are being really hard on yourself. Do you enjoy punishing your self ? It's not all your fault,( I mean if you are looking at the act that you committed then o.k. yeah that was your fault) but this is a marriage and it takes two to get tangled.
If i was a marriage consellor and you guys came into my office and what you are saying if that was the whole truth,( i only say that because we haven't heard his side), then i would be looking at a number of things here to find a resolution,but in order to find a resolution to something, you must first get to the main sources or roots of the problems.
What you did was an outwardly thing in an attempt to solve an inward feeling. The feeligs that you were trying to cover up, or needs you were trying to meet probably were because there was not enough affection and you weren't getting the attention that yo so deserve. Every man should know that a women is in her prime around your age and its a big responsibility to keep a women of your age satisfied. And with his level of irresponsibilty with the other things in his life, it really sounds like he was not doing his part as a husband to, So who should we blame more than the other. Well it's not about putting blame on him or you. But if you are making decisions out of guilt you will make the wrong ones, I guarentee it, and you have a daughter to nurture , so you mustn't make any irrational decisions right now.
Try working it out first, go see a marriage consellor or get some other form of help, Ican see that he is still very immature and he has the responsibilities of being a husband and a father and its seems as though its a little overwhelming for him, and lets not forget that he tarnished the trust within the marriage first, you said that he cheated on you first, So its a lot of stuff to deal with.!

Answer 3

I answered your later question first, so this continues the point I wish to make:

You owe this guy nothing. He is what we call: 'a deadbeat'. I don't blame you for cheating on him. Won't work. Wants you to mother him while he's mad because he has nowhere to go and it's all about him him him! Tell him that your cheating was HIS fault as much as your own. Tell him if you had any respect for him and saw that he might be actually going somewhere in life, it probably wouldn't have happened. Ask him if he thinks you feel secure by his side knowing he sits around and does nothing all day, everyday, and that he won't even look after his child while you do everything you can (within limits, but pour it on because financially you are in a position to do so) to make it so all of you can get by.

Question his manhood, call him a bum. His going out but no longer being 'with' you is just a desperate attempt to find some other poor sucker of a girl to take care of him so he can continue to waste his life.

Answer 4

Okay.First of all, just because he dosnet work, didnt give you the right to cheat on him.Secondly, if he never keeps a job, then you will be waiting on him to"get onhis feet"forever.The only thing you "owed"him was to try and make the marriage work, after you cheated, and he wanted to.You are not his meal ticket.If he dosent want to be with you and HATES you, then you need to leave.He is a man and he will fall back on his feet but you have to give him the push to do so.If he never keeps a job, as he has you to work, then if you go seperately, then he will have to work to stay alive.Go.Just end the marriage before things get worse.But whats worse than your husband saying he hates you???End the marriage but learn from it and next time, dont cheat.You have a son to take care, with or without your husband.Do it.Chalk it up to being young.You were together when you were 15 and he was 19.Thats not good.He has had way more experience than you and you need to get a new clean slate to work with.I cannot believe he can say to you that he hates you but pay his bills????And if you do it, your insane.

Answer 5

if he expects you to stay there when he hates you then hes just using you.Hes gonna want sex still at times and you feeling you owe him is probably something hes gonna take full advantage of.If you dont mind because you dont want to live with mom then do what you feel you must.The complications will come from the feelings im sure you still have for one another.whenever he feels love for you or apreciates you in anyway its gonna make him angry and confused.If he plans on seeing other people hes gonna expect you not to feel any jealousy or pain at the same time he'll be hurt if you dont.Im sure If you see other people he wont be able to handle it and he will resent it if you hook up before him which im sure you will and he wont think it fair since you already have.The living arrangement will be a difficult no doubt but perhaps with a lot of love and understanding on both parts the arrangement will be opportunity to salvage the relationship somehow.When someone cheats on you it brings out many different emotions that will be there anytime you think about it.That never goes away completely.Hate is an emotion almost as powerful as love and the sometimes go hand in hand.But think positively because love covers a multitude of sin.I suggest excercising as much love as possible as well as understanding of the difficulties to come

Answer 6

If you can support the both of you, you can surely support yourself. It is not right for a man to live off a woman, It's not right for anyone to take advantage of any other person. As long as you keep him up he will let you do it. It is not good for your child to be around a person like that even if it is his father. Kids tend to copy there parents. God does not intend for you to be unhappy or in a relationship that causes you stress. Maybe if you stay away from him for a while he will see what he is losing and get a job and change. After he has made a habit of working and being responsible you may want to go back to him. If you still love him you will. If you don't you will both be better off without each other. Don't beat yourself up for doing what you did. It seems to me like all you are to him is a meal ticket anyway. Listen to me girl, I am a 63 y/o man who knows what he is talkig about.

Answer 7

first, do you to still love each other, and do you think you can work things out? if so, then seek a marriage counselor. second, if you think it is over and you want to move on, one has to leave, ans since you are the one making the money, he wouldn't be able to afford the place anyway, ask him to move back home with his family. i can tell you that if you want to move on,him living there, it won't work in your favor. as far as you cheating, there evidently was something missing in your relationship that you felt the need to try to find somewhere else. i am not saying you were right, but in most cases you will see that there an underlying issues that have not been dealt with in the relationship. most of the time the woman feel that the man is not there for them, especially on an emotional level.

Answer 8

I think you should stay and help until he gets on he feet. That is the least you can do. I guess while in the process of doing that you could possibly try to work on fixing the marriage.

Now I wouldn't sit around forever for him to get on his feet. You have to set up a timeline, give him 6 months. Also, yes you are EXTREMELY wrong for what you did. But if he doesn't want to forgive and continue on with the marriage, don't allow him to hold that over your head as a constant guilt trip. Like I say give him 6 months or whatever is best for you guys to get on his feet.

Answer 9

This is a complex problem.Could it be that he wants to forgive you and that the excuse about the car and the money is just for him to save face?Maybe he wants you to stay because he wants to make you suffer for what you did. If there is real love and commitment on both of your parts you can work this out but he has to want to and I don't know if he does. It sounds like he may still have allot of feelings for you but he is very wounded. I would give him some time but not too long and I definitely would not put up with any retaliation or abuse. Do you still love him and want to save the marriage? Add details and I can keep trying to figure this out. Good Luck and God Bless!From viewing your additional details I would say he is definitely trying to make you suffer for what you did and I think you should not allow it anymore. He seems like he thinks its OK for him but that you can never be forgiven. That's not the way it is, theres no double standards going on here.Stop beating yourself up, whats done is done and he is no angel either.Nothing is "inexcusable"all things can be forgiven if there is enough love. Take good care of youself and your children.

Answer 10

Have you considered how any of this - past, present or future will impact your "beautiful 4 yr old little girl"? She looks to you and her father as models for what and who she'll become. Pretend she's asking you this question 18 yrs from now. Neither you or your husband has a particular debt to each other - you're the grown ups. You both have a debt to her. Learn to stand on your own, perhaps with the temporary assist of your Mom, have hubby do the same and work on a relationship with each other that puts your daughter in the front position.