what do i do? my husband & i have become so distant.?

Question

i try do do things that i think are nice for him but he either never notices or says thank you. i am the only one (apparently)capable of loading or unloading the dishwasher i asked him tyoday -very nicely-again- to please rince the dishes when you put them in the sink. and he justs snaps back " i pick up your stuff all the time" then we get into a small argument over this and we ignored each other for the next 5 hrs. i dont know what to do we share the bed with our 19 month old so we never have couple time and i'm really starting not to care anymore. we have grown so appart. i would hate to leave him because of our son he loves his daddy so much. but i think i'm waisting my time. in dec. we will have been married just 5 yrs and the thrill is long gone

Answer 1

Let me tell you from experience about the child in your bed -
This automatically pushed me away from my wife and on to the couch. Now that she works nights, I have no desire to sleep with her now. It was saying the children or me and most mothers will react harshly. Now my kids won't sleep in their beds. I feel like an outcast.
The thrill is gone because something else is in the way. The child needs care but it needs to learn to sleep by their own and trusting that you are there, not far away.
Deal with this issue NOW, I beg you, before it runs too far...

Answer 2

Sabrina,

Sorry to hear things aren't going well. Someone before me said the 19-month old needs their own bed...totally agree. That is a recipe for disaster. I have to tell you bluntly, if I were your husband, I think the thrill would be gone for me if I were in that situation.

The fact is that in a love relationship, the mad, passionate "thrill" goes away over time. If you two call it quits and you wind up with someone else, it will be the same all over. You will get a few "good" years, but then it will be the same as now. It is up to the both of you to determine if there really is a foundation for your marriage or not (and not the kid.)

You guys got together for a number of reasons - go back to those and see if you can work from that.

This might be reading too much into it, but It could be that after year 2 when you got pregnant, the both of you became so focused on the kid that you lost the dynamic of being a couple. I gotta tell you, if I were in his situation, I would feel I've taken a back seat in your heart to the kid. I'm not saying it is wrong to be totally devoted to your kid, but not at the expense of your marriage relationship. If I'm wrong on this, my apologies up front, but it just seems like both of you have gotten into the parent trap and the way both of you handle it has caused you to focus so much on the kid that you lost sight of your relationship to each other.

Your fighting dynamic is bad, too. You snap at each other, then go to your corner for most of the afternoon. That is just plain destructive. Fights are okay, but they need to be constructive, and one of you two needs to be less passive afterwards.

Lastly, you need to sit down and discuss this with him in a non-threatening location/time...especially not after a fight - and not late before bed. Something this serious needs a couple of hours - not to be brought up at 11:00 at night or during a car ride to Babies R Us.

Tell him you love him but you worry the spark is gone and you seem to be growing apart, etc. Ask him if he feels the same way, and ask him if he has any ideas about what to do.

Well, good luck,
C

Answer 3

Is the thrill really gone. Do you no longer love this man that you married? Has all the passion gone out of your relationship?

OK, and it may be that some of the answers are yes, but do you want to be without your hubby? It will be a difficult thing on all of you as a family if you just give up. Did you not promise to love him in sickness and in health, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, til death do you part? It is time to get your priorites straight. Yes, I know, I too do all the dishes in the house, and pick up most of what is here and there. And it is a big 'ol pain in the butt, but it has to be done.

I think that it is wonderful that your child sleeps with you two. I suggest allowing him to fall asleep in your bed then move him to his own, it will help him get used to sleeping in his bed. Set a date for him to start sleeping in his bed and stick with it. This will allow you to have some couple time, which we all need. It is a very important part of being together. And do try to go out of the house for some couple time. It will also help your relationship.

Are there things that your hubby is worried about? Could there be something on his mind that has him preoccupied? I suggest that you 2 need to sit down and talk. Open up to him, let him know that if there is something on his mind, you want to help him thorugh it. You need to work it out first by communicating. Be fair to one another though. No name calling or accusing, try to keep your tone even and calm, and if you need to walk away from each other, then do it. Fighting is not the answer. And if you can't do it on your own, involve a counselor. That is why they exist, to help us thorugh our difficult times. For better or worse, I've had to say it to myself many, many times in the 16 years that I've been with my hubby. And I thank my lucky stars that I did. I wish you good luck and the brightest of blessings!

Answer 4

Just a few observations:

* You shouldn't have your son sleeping with you and your husband.

* You and your husband need time alone together at least once per week, with no distractions.

* Marriage isn't about "the thrill."

* You and your husband need to work out what each of you is responsible for around the house.

* Your son needs you both, but you both need to learn to agree on a lot of things.

* You both should find a good marriage counselor before it's too late.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I have been married for a few years now, and have a daughter. First of all, you have to get your son into his own bed, you guys will never have any time intimately if you dont. Then you need to make some time to get away, dosent have to be anywhere expensive, and then just totally devote that time to each other. I know having a small baby really takes your time, and if you both work like we do, you get tired and crabby, but dont really mean to take it out on each other. Talk to your husband, and tell him you want to spend some time alone, and then try to make some plans....good luck!!

Answer 6

Well, it's typical that he's lost the drive because of the baby probably. The baby needs his own bed away from yours before it's too late to capture your husband's attention. He wants the special time he received before the baby, and if you don't spice things up before it's too late it won't be any good to hold on because of the baby. He's going else where, which you won't be at fault all by yourself. He could at least let you know what he's feeling or want to do to hold your relationship together.

Answer 7

I guess the thrill is gone.You have no couple time at all.When do you think you have time to do anything?Never.First of all, get your child in his own bed.You should care.Its healthy for your son and healthy for your marriage for him to sleep in his own bed.Then, when you get your bed back(which isnt going to happen overnite), get your spark back.You fell in love for a reason...find it.Why give up on your marriage that you have already invested 5 yrs into and take a twp parent home from your son?You shouldnt.Talk to your hubby.Tell him your in a rut, and you want to work together to get your marriage and sex life back.Tell him you need to work together to get it done.Tell him the first step is to get your son into his own bed.Then, you need alone time.Get a sitter.get out.Go out like you did when you were dating.Relax.Then, get into the bedroom.Spice things up.COMMUNICATE!!!!Talking is the key.Find out what his fantasies are(doable ones) and what he would like to do in the bedroom.What does he want to get back ?(that has been missing)Then, go from there.If you want, look into getting sexual "fun things" to enhance your love life.As long as your both willing and wanting, do it.When the doors are closed, than its just you and your hubby.Keep him!!!

Answer 8

I feel really bad for you...b/c the thrill is really gone in my marriage (<1yr). But, you may have to talk to some family counselors. And the first thing to do is to make the young one sleep on his own. aBout 2 weeks of that, and you'll be on the right track.

Answer 9

first the 19 month old needs to be in his own bed, then you guys need to spend some time together as a couple,
and counseling would be a very good thing.

Answer 10

yes u need to put Jr. in his or her own bed and find time for mommy and daddy to find the ppl they feel in love with 5 yr-ago, and go from there.