Need some advice?

Question

I have been married to my first love for 16 years. I love him dearly, but It's not the love you should have for a husband (more like a friend). I've never been with anyone else and I find myself thinking about what it would be like. We have three kids together and I don't want to hurt them, but I'm so unhappy. I feel like I'm not important anymore, like I don't matter. I'm only 35, but I feel like I'm so much older. We don't go out alone because he always has an excuse why we can't. He tells me he loves me, but I don't feel like he really does. What should I do?

I work part-time and go to school part-time.

Answer 1

Mmmmmm... First, DON'T DATE ANYBODY ELSE, DON'T GO FOR ANYBODY ELSE... Why?

16+ years ago you felt in love with your current husband, which is your best friend also. You know what? THIS IS WHY I KNOW THAT THIS RELATION CAN GO FOREVER! That is the major problem today, that a couple meet, they get involved into a relationship for less than a year, or let us say 2 years, and they get married. They just get married based on attraction (physical and mental/intellectual), and they don't work in constructing a friendship, a healthy relationship were they can know each other to the very extent to think like the other person, and with the liberty to share all what they are from the very beginning.

You, my friend, have one of the greatest gifts in a relationship, that's guaranteed!!!

What you need it to go back to the pinky, girly, romantic, cupid, lovely stuff that teenagers do when they get in love. You have been so pleased been friends, and then a couple that are well founded, that you have based your relationship ONLY in respect and responsibility. That is perfect, but that cannot be the only thing, you need the sparkle of shared love.

Look for a counselor, not a psychologist or something like that, but yes one who deals with sexual stuff, and give your relationship that salty thing that you want, and I know that your husband needs it too. Best wishes!

Answer 2

That's a tough situation. See if there are things that you can do that will bring the spark back into the relationship. Maybe taking a vacation WITHOUT THE KIDS. You mentioned that you feel much older than 35, is still very young. I hope you have not settled into being an old maid and walking around the house in a house dress all day. Make sure you try to keep yourself up and looking sexy!!!

Explain to him how you feel and that its important to you that you guys go out and live a little.

Good luck

Answer 3

You are not alone. There are several women that feel the exact same way. I can tell you have an affair with someone else is not going to improve your marriage. It will most likely end it. I would think and think again before I got involved with someone. I think the longer we stay in a relationship we start treat eachother like a door mat because we know that person is always there when we need them. I suggest you and your spouse have a heart to heart and let him know exactly what you are feeling. Try seeking some professional help. Good communication is the key to a good healthy relationship. There are seveal websites out there that might be able to assist you in improving your marriage. Some of my favorites are:
http://www.themarriagebed.com/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

Good luck on your marriage.

Answer 4

It sounds like a dilemma.. But u need to sit down and talk to him.. let him kno how u feel maybe all u need to do is have some time together jus u and him it's possible that u jus need to refuel the fire.. I'm married with three kids and it's hard to find the time for each other but u have to or else u'll continue to feel that way. If u want ur marriage to last then find out whats wrong and try to fix it. Talk to a marriage counselor. He (ur husband) needs to kno how u feel.. more importantly he needs to understand that he's part of that marriage and he has to do his part to keep it fresh and interesting. Love doesn't heal everything. ur feelings r important to.

Answer 5

Ah, the old 16 year blues...happens to all of us, honey...you are not alone...you have just gotten so used to each other that is seems hum drum. The love you had is still there, it is just buried under a heap of day to day living. A wise person might plot and plan some get aways...buy the tickets, make the arrangements, and don't let him wiggle out of it....Hawaii, hell..a night at a sleazy motel. anything to get you out of that house and into some strange locals..without the family! Do something about once a week that is away from the house. See if that helps. I have just looked at the responses above...all I can say is that most of them are very flippant...except the ones that say "change your routine." Advising divorce is cold and uncaring.

Answer 6

MAYBE U SHOULD TRY TO SPICE THINGS UP? GUYS GET BORED, SOMETIMES RELATIONSHIPS AREN'T ALL FIREWORKS ALL THE TIME...MAKE HIM NOTICE U, TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF, GO GET YOUR HAIR DONE, BUY A NEW OUTFIT, MAYBE SOME SEXY UNDERWEAR, GET SOME GIRLFRIENDS, MAKE HIM WANT/MISS BEING AROUND U, INVITE HIM OUT FOR SOMETHING AND IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO, GO WITH THE GIRLS, STAY OUT A LITTLE LATER, BUT ALWAYS LET HIM KNOW WHERE YOUR AT, JUST ACT LIKE U DON'T NEED HIM TO HAVE FUN, MAKE HIM THINK U ARE GONNA LEAVE, SEE IF HE RESPONDS TO ANY OF THAT AND IF HE DOESN'T THEN MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A SPLIT

Answer 7

hey Im in the same boat except Im only going to be 30 and only have 2 kids. My husband dont show any passion towards me but tells me he loves me and is always working. The best advise I can give you is Talk to him. Sit him down and talk about it.

Answer 8

16 yrs is a long time to throw away, you need to show him what u have written here, and try talking to him, it is normal that a person thinks about what it would be like to be with someone else, u need to think on what u do have and what u could lose, if u want to have an affair do it on line if u know what i mean, men have a great fault, they seem to forget that women need to here things that shows that they are wanted and needed, good luck sweetie

Answer 9

you don't say whether you work or are a stay at home mom. If your a stay at home mom, get a part time job or volunteer at a hospital or shelter. Do something for yourself. Im 42 and just started back to college, i love it Hope everything goes good for you sweetie

Answer 10

I feel the same except I have been married 38 years. I have no feelings left. I plan to leave in the fall and get my own place and to be happy. Best of luck to you.