What should I do about my X Husband?

Question

My x husband is a major a** no matter how nice I am he just keeps getting meaner and ruder. He has told my kids that his new girlfriend is going to be their new mommy. and says all kinds of bad things about me to them. He probably thinks that I am doing the same and telling them that my boyfriend will be the new daddy. But I don't, I would never. I have tried talking to him about this. But he just blows it up into a huge arguement and nothing gets solved. I try to be as nice as I can to him and ignore the fact that he utterly hates me. But I'm getting to a point to where I can't stand being nice any more. So I have begun to ignore him and not talk to him and only let him talk to the kids. He has a horrible temper and if I try talking to him again it will just end up in arguement once again. It's really tiring. Please help I need advice what should I do?

Answer 1

It's a shame you can't get into situation where you could naturally show your ex that you talk about him respectfully around your kids and that you are clear that they don't need a new daddy.

Technically if he is planning to marry this woman, she will be their new Step mom (and maybe, in his defense, that is what he meant and the kids mis-understood).

It is hard when you are divorced to really get an accurate gauge on what is going on with the other person. Maybe he is afraid you will be mean to him and so he is mean first - whatever, right? It is his problem and not yours.

Hopefully your kids are smart enough to see that he does have a temper (and they will stay out of it's way) and that he is an a** and that you are the kindest, nicest, fairest woman on the planet who has put up with this jerk because you love your children.

If it was me, my plan of attack would be:

Be nice to him everytime you see him (say hello, inquire on his new lady, whatever)
If he is rude to you, pretend you didn't hear it and walk away
If there is something your really need to say to him and you don't want a fight, write him a letter and say "I don't want a fight I just want to say... and I didn't want us to argue in front of the kids... here's how I talk about you around the kids...here's what I am doing as far as my new husband and I hope you will be equally respectful for the sake of our children."

It can't hurt to do some positive visualization to help the situation. Try to imagine him happy and being polite to you - see it in your mind and get that message out there that that is what you want. While you are at it, visualize yourself and your children happy and at peace also!

I hope this helps - I know it is hard. You leave because you can't live with them but you still have to because of your children. My mother was kind or closed mouthed about my nasty natural father and I learned to be a kinder person because of it - I have supreme respect for her and all she has gone through on my behalf.

Peace!

Answer 2

I have been down that road, when you sit back and look at things, the problem is really him, he is the one that has hurt, failure, and crazy emotions based on how he did and ran things in his own life. He is an X for a reason, you can't continue to allow him to get under your skin, when you do that he still has a strong hold over your life, that cause you always wanting to fix or find a common ground, when your having to deal with the children's mixed up views. Prayer *CONTINUES* prayer can change any mans heart. You need to take the stand and say.. NO MORE! NO MORE FIGHTING, NO MORE NAME CALLING, NO MORE!

Life is too short, to say dealing with some BS.. Always let the children know if he gets a new wife, they don't have to like her, but they must respect her, she is an adult and she is someone that their father has chosen. Also let them know your OK with the changes in your life, they are looking at you trying to see if they like something is it going to hurt you... Stay strong you can't be a friend, if he doesn't want you in.. Just keep doing the right thing.

PS if you can't talk with him, write him a letter on things from the past and present. A letter of closure!

Answer 3

You should be nice to him in any interaction, let him be the prick, also never talk bad about him to the kids, it is a long road but someday they'll look back and think, "dad was such an asshole" because they will remember how he bad mouthed you. He's probably such a control freak you can never win. Remember, living a good life without him is your best revenge, not that revenge is cool, but it is the way to show him you never needed him. If you really want to screw with his mind, every time he calls just say, "Why do you always call when me and my boyfriend are in the middle of an 8-hour love session?" Or, "Hey, while I've got you on the line, do you want some pointers on giving oral sex from "boyfriend" he sure showed me what I was missing!" You know, something to really take his manhood down a notch. Good luck from someone who raised his kids by himself!

Answer 4

I think you are doing the right thing. I think it's terrible, that he bad mouths you, to your children. Just try and stay away from him, as much as you can. Maybe you should get a restraining order against him, if he has a bad temper, would he ever hurt you? If you don't want to do that, you should make sure, that your boy friend, or a relative, or another friend is with you, when you do have to see him. I wish I could be more help to you, but that's all I can think of now..Good Luck to you, and your children..

Answer 5

Keep your head up hon. Tough situation, I've been through similar and my advice would be don't play the hurt game. Your ex obviously has unresolved issues about your past together, and the efforts you have made to handle this maturely have not been effective. It is HIS problem, try very hard to keep awareness of this fact in an effort to minimize your stress over this. Don't have any illusions of this changing in the future, so try to disconnect from it, emotionally, keep your dignity, and do your best to minimize the contact that you have with him from now on.
As for your kids, as they get older they will be able to sort out what is/was true.
Keep the faith and Best of Luck

Answer 6

You could try a court restraining order. He is obviously very angry, and hostile. In your place, I'd continue to ignore him....he'll get the message. Right now he is getting what he wants -- getting you really angry....he loves pushing your buttons. Deny him that, and you will be in the driver's seat. Don't raise your voice, do the "broken record" routine....and best of all , this is in a book called "The Assertive Option" ---it tells you how to handle these kinds of situations. an old book, get it cheap on Amazon.com.... it is the standard in the field---you can have it by next Wednesday........ Tells you how to handle really aweful people....a real bible in this area. And he won't know what you are doing, or what hit him, all he will know is that you are no longer getting angry, and he is no longer able to get you angry. Fun!!!!! ( See, he can't have an arguement with you if you already know how to shut him down......Really is fun!!!!) good luck

Answer 7

Is there someone in the family that you both will listen to and respect their input? If so, that person needs to address this problem. Not about why he says it, or that it's about you, but that children do not need to be involved in any personal attacks on either parent. This could mar their future. Obviously the children are reporting to you. Please have their best interests by not asking them further questions. Daddy can say what he wants. Let them know you love them and will be there for them. Stop the madness.

Answer 8

You know its bad but normal...There is so much hate after divorce the truth is he probably cheated and you divorced his sorry tail...Now all the quilt is coming out and trying to make you look bad..The sad thing is your children are right in the middle and its hard on them..The best thing to do is don't pay him any attention be as nice as you can as hard as it may be...Never let on that anything he has to say bothers you what so ever..Let you children know how much you love them and care...Also never say anything bad about there father around them that they can hear...Its hard enough on them now with his comments don't let them get it from both sides...Let it go and he will settle down soon if he gets the idea that you really don't care what he has to say...Be happy and smile it is going to work out very soon...

Answer 9

Been there and done that. Ignore his butt. He's hurting for your attention. He's missing a good thing and don't want to let go. The kids will see what kind of person he really is. And the woman who's marrying him need to think twice about marrying him. If he blows up with you, he'll do the same thing with her.If she dont care about that--look at it this way---she's got your left overs...lol

Answer 10

Sorry hun... I'm still trying to figure out why you bust your *ss being NICE to this jerk in the first place. Unfortunately though, I don't think you have any legal right to prevent him from seeing the kids... unless you consider taking him back to court on the grounds of emotional abuse of the children. Then, if the courts deside in your favour... pack up and move. You AND your children deserve SO much better.