tell me your best clean or dirty jokes, best one gets 10 points!?

Answer 1

One day a teenage boy was walking with his aunt and the aunt was quizzing him about his new girl friend.
"Is she pretty?" asked the aunt.
"Yes mam, she is VERY pretty and she has really big thighs".
"Big thighs?" replied the aunt.
"Yes really big thighs." said the boy.
"And you find big thighs attractive?" questioned the aunt.
"Yes mam" the boy replied beginning to blush.
The aunt thought about it a second and then she asked "Are you sure you are not thinking of breast?"
"Yeah...Yeah...breast...well I knew it was some part of a chicken". answered the boy.

This was a real conversation between myself and my nephew about 2 months before he was killed in a 3-wheeler accident. He was 15. I think about it often whenever I get to missing him and it makes me smile everytime.

Answer 2

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Answer 3

An 18 year old blond takes up horseback riding. She gets on the horse, puts her feet in the stirrups, and gallops away. All of a sudden, she & her horse are startled by something in the distance. She falls off the the horse, and her right foot gets caught in the stirrup. Her head is pounding on the ground, and finally, after almost losing all hope and concsciousness, Bob the Walmart greeter saves her by unplugging the horse.

Answer 4

A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon trail when he was captured by a group of ruthless banditos, intent on killing him. But in their drunkenness, they decided to go easy on him and grant him three requests. For his first, he asked for his horse. He whispered something to his horse, who then rode off and returned with a beautiful woman, with whom the cowboy spent the night. The same thing happened the second day. But when the horse returned on the third day with another woman, the cowboy lost his temper and yelled "You stupid horse! I said POSSE!"














Fish Market

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"









Grasshopper Biology

A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a grasshopper if its legs were taken off.
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled 'hop!', and the grasshhoper hopped. Then he took another leg and yelled 'hop!' and the grasshopper hopped. Then he took all of its legs and yelled 'hop!' but the insect did not hop. He yelled again, but the insect did not hop.

So he came to the conclusion that when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it will become deaf.

Answer 5

Three men were stuck on an island inhabited by cannibals. The men were dragged to the chief of the cannibal tribe. So, the chief told them that if they performed the task he gave them, their lives would be spared.

"Each of you must bring me ten fruits of the same kind."

This all was sounding very easy to the men, so off they went. Eventually the first man came back, holding ten apples.

"You must shove all ten fruits up your butt without making a noise or any facial expression." Explained the chief. "If you fulfill these instructions, we will not eat you."

So, he began. In went the first apple (with some difficulty, as you would imagine.) But on the second apple, the man cried out in pain and was killed.

The second man came back, holding ten berries. When he heard what he had to do, he was instantly relieved. "This should be easy," he thought to himself. In went all the berries...eight, nine...as he was about to insert the last berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first man and the second man met up in heaven. Slightly confused, the first man said to the second man, "What happened? You were so close!"

The second man responded and laughed again, "I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!"

Answer 6

A woman lays down on the gynecologist's table and puts her feet into the stirrups...the doc asks her, "Why do you have a tattoo of a turkey on the inside of your left thigh and a tattoo of a Christmas tree on the inside of your right thigh?" The woman replies, "Everyone knows the best eating is between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"


Best wishes

Answer 7

A man says to his wife "My dear, we've been married for 25 years now and I feel we are in a rut. Something needs to change."

And the wife says "Oh yeah? What do you suggest?"

He says with a smile, "I think we should try a new position..." and gives her a wink.

She replies "I think that's a great idea! YOU stand over here by the ironing board and work while I sit on the couch and fart while watching TV!"

Answer 8

AN OLD COUPLE WANTED TOO RELIVE THE 1ST TIME THEY EVER HAD SEX------SO THEY WENT TOO THE SAME RESTAURANT THAT THEY HAD THEIR 1ST DATE--THEY LOOKED LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES AND BEGAN TOO TALK ABOUT THE 1ST TIME THEY HAD EVER MADE LOVE AGAINST THE FENCE OUT BACK----MEANWHILE A COP WAS IN THE NEXT BOOTH LISTENING TOO THEM----SO OUT THEY WENT --ONE WITH A WALKER AND THE OTHER WITH HIS CANE- THE COP WATCH WHILE THEY HAD THE MOST BALL BUSTING SEX HE HAD EVER SEEN-1/2 AN HOUR LATER THEY FELL ON THE GROUND NOT MOVING-THEN THE OLD MAN STRUGGLE TO GET UP AND PULLED HIS PANTS UP--THE WOMAN LAY THERE GROANING AND THE OLD GUY HELPED HER UP AND PULLED HER DRESS DOWN---THE COP JUMPED OUT FROM BEHINED THE BUSH AND SAID MY GOD I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THE TWO OF YOU HOW DID YOU LAST SO LONG??THE OLD MAN SAID WELL 50 YEARS AGO THE FENCE WASN;T ELECTRIC------LUV GRAMMA ALICE

Answer 9

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take him for a drag.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs:
A: Right where you left him.

Bonus:
Q: What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?
A: Sparky

Answer 10

ChartsA kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem.
>
>" She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
>
>
>She asks him what they are.
>
>He says "well, pussy and *****". She says
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>"Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and ***** is a female dog like our Sandy."
>
>He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
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>Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
>
>He tells him...pussy and *****. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
>
>"OK dad, so what's a *****?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."