how do i know i am ready for another relationship after a divorce?

Question

i have been divorced 8 months but i hesitate to be in another marriage..feels its not right and i'm not doing justice to my 4 year old

Answer 1

As a woman who walked this path 12 years ago when I first decided to divorce my ex after a tumultuous 10 year marriage (I will have been officially divorced for 10 years this August), you definitely are not yet ready to embark on the dating scene, let alone even ready to consider remarriage. It is too soon, and you still need to process this event in your life; the consequences of the action (financially, emotionally and residentially, if you moved) for both you and your 4 year old. Take your time to breathe and digest what has happened, as well as to allow yourself a chance to reinvent yourself as a single woman and mother. This takes time and energy. The time is now to invest in you and your child.

Unlike you, who thankfully and clearly appears to be more cautious in how you proceed with this than I was then because you have a child (I am childless), I immediately embarked on a relationship with a man going through a divorce right after I left my ex! It was too soon, and the combined baggage we had ultimately damaged our relationship. Still it and the other relationships I had afterwards taught me much about what I wanted in life and love, so there was quite a bit of value in what I did, even if it was a bit confusing. Because you have a child I do think it is best to wait. There are two hearts and minds to heal, not just one. This is key.

Whether you were the one who left or was left, you still have a lot of emotional stuff to work through before you can get to the point of actively having a successful relationship again. For example, people often think that those of us who left our spouses are having a grand old time whooping it up over our new found freedom, when in fact we are as devastated as someone who was left. We may have made the conscious choice to leave, but for many of us it was a choice based on our need to literally survive. My ex was getting increasingly more violent with me and it literally came down to my survival - to my remaining alive. Besides, the stress I was under alone with this man over the years made me literally ill (ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, asthma) and I needed to get out to live again; to breathe freely; to take my life back and and own myself again. The moment I left my ailments disappeared.

What was very beneficial for me was to embark on individual counseling with a therapist that specialized in divorce. Statistically, men will get remarried very quickly after their divorces because they need to replicate the comfort of marriage. Women, on the other hand, will wait for years before they do it again. My ex husband married in December 1996, a few months after our divorce was final. I remarried in 2000, long after the dust had settled and I found myself again. I also was a member of a Divorce Support group (about 6 women) run by the therapist I saw. I still consider these women to be my sisters.

So how did I learn and know I was ready? I knew I was ready when I was actively able to forgive my ex for what happened in our marriage. I was actively ready to move on when I acknowledged to myself that the two of us were to blame for
its dissolution. It wasn't just him; I did things too that were not all that great or productive. Moreover I was too emotionally immature and damaged psychologically during that marriage (due to the untimely deaths of my mom when I was 19 and my dad when I was 24 - I married my ex when I was 28) to understand what committment and love meant. So I had to learn to forgive myself for that. I knew I was ready when I Karmically sent my ex off with love and my wish that he be happy in his life. I thanked him for the years he gave me, and for all he taught me about committment, marriage, who I was and what I wanted out of life. Since that day I have no regrets for our time together. He made me who I am today - strong, tough, wise and proud, but also sensitive and giving, and I am grateful.

And finally, I knew I was ready when I met my second husband on line in March 2000. We were soul mates, or soul twins and understood each other in ways our former spouses didn't, and so, in September 2000 we married...too soon for many, but for us it was the real deal. We are closer than ever now - and to think some never thought it would last!

Take care of you, hon. You will get through this. You will survive and thrive and will find love again.

Answer 2

The same as a woman! So many things involved with this question. This is something that has to be decided on an individual basis! After 9 years of marriage, I have refused marriage on a regular basis! Some tried trickery to catch me, but I had a vasectomy to prevent that! I divorced her in 1974, She was a very active cheater. First and last time in my life to have STD's. Twice! So kiddo it depends on the individual and what they went through. I was a single parent of three! Keep in mind a couple of years ago a study was done by a Woman Professor and she found that 51% of women cheat and lie and 49% of men cheat and lie! The thing is that women nor men are always angels. In each Gender there is always those who want to make the other gender out to be the monsters! Sadly this is not true. You have just as many monsters on both sides of the fence!

Answer 3

You just got divorced 8 months ago i think that its not a good idea to think of marriage at the moment! Try to date and see if you can find that someone whom you click with and how is comfortable with your 4 yr old. That's more important! In time if you do find that someone well than you start to think of marriage not now!! You need to look around to get that someone!! I do not think you want to end up like you did in this marriage so take your time, there is no rush is there?

Answer 4

wow only 8 months and you want to get married again already? DONT DO IT.

The reason im saying not to is because you should take time out for yourself. I've been divorced for 8 years now and have had relationships ( 2) since my divorce and i wont settle for anything less then what i really want out of life and the time i took for myself opened alot of things i wouldnt have found out had i married the 1st or 2nd boyfriend, it would have been a mistake .

I am ready now to get married again but the right guy needs to come along first, in the meantime im very happy to be on my own with my kids :)

Go for the ME TIME first !!!

Answer 5

You should hesitate. You have not given yourself enough time to heal. Why do you have to get married again so soon? You need to get to know yourself & be happy in your own skin first before considering another marraige. What's wrong with just dating (or not) or having a significant other for a year or two? If they truely care about you, they will wait until YOU are ready. A snap decision or complying out of pressure, or neediness (money, loneliness) will result in a repeat of the first marriage, in divorce or worse. Please listen to your inner voice. God gave it to you for a reason. Use it !

Answer 6

From what it sounds like you are a Female already questioning weather you did the right thing. I am sure is normal for all of us to look back at our mistakes but is not right to assosiate them with the present, already you are setting yourself up for another disaster telling your self that another marriage will be bad. What you should be more interested in is how to work together with your exhusband so your 4 year old does not miss out on the benefits of having both parents. Whatever reason you had to divorse you still have to look out for the benefits of the child and so does your exhusband, if it takes both of you to never have boyfriend or girldfriend thats what it will be because you gotta remeber the child did not ask for what both of you decided.

Answer 7

Divorces sting for a long time regardless of the reason for it. You seen to suggest that a 'relationship' needs to lead to marriage. Perhaps you should check your feelings about what you really want (or need). There is nothing wrong with friendships that don't lead to marriage, and it may teach your child that life does not stop when marriage does, just don't do anything that would compromise your morals.

Answer 8

Be care full. This is very thin ice your walking on. A rebound fling is what I think this is. You need to experience being on your own to find out what went wrong in the first marriage. Totally know yourself first before trying to get know someone else. Your 4 yr old? How does (he or she) feel? This is a stranger in their eyes. Can you just imagine what is running through your child small brain, as the child is trying to soak all this in. Just give your relationship more time. You don't have to break things off, just have a long engagement to let your child grow with your relationship. Good luck to you and your child.

Answer 9

you won't be asking other people first of all because you'll know to differentiate matters of the heart from matters of the physical. Also, why do you have to be in another marriage? you're right to hesitate and you should consider the emotional effect that your son is going through because of the divorce. Both of you should heal and grow/mature emotionally before bringing all of this baggage to another marriage.

Answer 10

I don't know you, or your situation, but you are definitely NOT ready yet! If you want to go out with friends, even date a little, but nothing serious, that's okay. It will be a good while before you are even close to being ready for marriage again. Years even. Don't rush it! Have a good time being single before you get married again. Good Luck!

Answer 11

OK, so which is it, dating or another marriage?? Take things slow, I think it may be too soon for any permanent commitment. When the time does come to possibly get married again, you will just know, cuz you feel completely comfortable about it!