Ten Minutes After I Loved You
You seemed to be the perfect stranger.
You didn’t have candy
And didn’t ask me to your car.
Eased information into conversations
Never leaving any room for question marks.
Only exclamation points.
So when the doorbell rang
And you asked to come inside
I couldn’t tell you no.
I watched you kill
I guess I was too trusting. Too lusting
For a new life,
But maybe when you’re looking for a new beginning
You simply start your past again.
The small parts of me I hated as
You sat down on the small blue couch.
It was the only thing left from my past life.
I hated it until you sat down.
I realized I loved you…
The way you took fragments of my old memories
And turned them new,
Sat on them,
Buried them.
You motioned with your fingers
“Sit down,” you said.
I sat down
And you destroyed all the life in me
I guess I was too trusting. Too lusting
For a new life,
But maybe when you’re looking for a new beginning
You simply start your past again.
That I had always wanted to get rid of.
You took it away.
You told me I’d be yours forever.
That I would never get away.
That I was getting what I deserved.
What did you mean?
I hated you then.
I wanted you to leave.
You wouldn’t leave.
I screamed at you.
I said I hated you
Just ten minutes after I loved you.
2006-06-23 17:46:47 · 9 answers · asked by hoop_t_star 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
i actually liked it. well, i liked the first and last stanzas at least. i would rewrite the middle one, and cut the ones that are like a chorus. and i don't really like the title. you chose a really interesting subject matter, but the fact that they hated the stranger ten minutes after they loved them is an idea that i think would fit better with another poem. unless i am missing something, in which case you should make it more clear. and truthfully, i would not write it in first person, poems that are written from a dead person's perspective can be interesting, but they have to be saying something really powerful, something that it would be worth talking about after you are dead, this is the point of using a dead person's perspective, to get a very powerful message across. your poem sounds a little more, casual, sort of pensive feel, which is fine, it just doesn't fit. hope that helps, i really like it over all.
2006-06-23 18:16:33 · answer #1 · answered by Ganesa 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! What are you doing? Never post your written, unpublished work on the computer, especially in an answer forum like Yahoo Answers. It is so easy for somebody to "steal" it and claim it as their own poem. One day you could open a magazine or literary journal and there is this poem, but with somebody else's name as the author. I'm a fellow writer. So don't do this again! If you want feedback on a poem, look for writing groups in your area and poetry workshops.
2006-06-24 14:45:53 · answer #2 · answered by Zippy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's okay. go through it and see if there are any lines that seem unnecessary to you. If you can read the poem without certian lines and it still works maybe you don't need them.
2006-06-24 05:40:16 · answer #3 · answered by quinndarling2000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's nice! but try to avoid repeating your stanza.
2006-06-24 01:08:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm, very nice but spooky
2006-06-24 04:29:37 · answer #5 · answered by reddogcudda 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
beautiful. i love how you didn't budge rhymes. alot of people think that a poem has to rhyme. great
2006-06-24 00:54:01 · answer #6 · answered by larrythecableguy11 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think it's a song..you repeated a stanza..but, usually songs are sometimes made of poems...
it's ok..
2006-06-24 00:56:24 · answer #7 · answered by Foreigner 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's better than I would do, if that helps.
2006-06-24 00:51:46 · answer #8 · answered by anonymous 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ITS TOO LONG
2006-06-24 00:49:51 · answer #9 · answered by 4 strings 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋