I need a funny joke...a laugh out loud one! Clean please, and not too long! Make me laugh!?

Answer 1

Okay, this one isn't all that funny, but it made my grandpa laugh:

So, the wife says to her husband "Dearest, since you're out of work, we've been a bit strapped financially. I think we need to go on a budget." And the husband says "Why?" The wife answers "Well, you spent fifty dollars on beer last week." To this the husband replies "That's funny. You spent fifty dollars on Avon last week." The wife comes back "Well, I need that stuff so that I can look and smell nice for you." The husband retorts, "Yeah, well after I drank that beer, you sure did look nice."

Answer 2

I easily have an American Staffordshire Terrier (14 months), between the various "vicious" "Pit Bulls" of the international. We were making waiting for a stroll and my daughter (2) picked up the best of the leash and all started walking off with the canines. He become tippie toeing, walking so slowly that the loop of the leash become dragging on the floor. My daughter spontaneously suggested "good boy! sit down!" and he sat. i become so happy with my canines then that i could not help yet snort - the following is the canines that ignores me like i'm no longer round after I ask him to do something he would not favor to yet my 2 3 hundred and sixty 5 days previous can lay down the regulation!

Answer 3

Hazardous Cleaning
Police were called to the Siesta Motor Lodge in North Charleston, SC, after two maids began battling with a plunger and a mop. A 52-year-old maid was taken to the hospital with minor injuries caused by being hit on the arm with the mop, and police arrested the attacker, Deloris Smith, 47, who insisted that she was merely defending herself against her co-worker’s plunger. The fight started when each maid accused the other of taking toilet paper from her cleaning cart.
Gotta Love The Irish
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and
you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the
waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by
some
of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother
after
I'm gone."


The Perfect Husband!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in theroom stops to listen. MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me!? Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautifu leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?

"WOMAN: "$65,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great!? Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.

"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.

"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him In astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


Snow.........
One Maine winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the Maine radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. " You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time? "

Men...........
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was quite impressed.The second women goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive new clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. The man was much impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed. The man thought long and hard about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her, and then he married the one with the biggest ****. Men are like that, you know

Answer 4

Desperate Praying: I'll just write some." Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details-beginning at 7:41:23 A.M"., EST. "Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me do it exactly right." "God, give me patience, and I mean right now!"

Answer 5

U r the funniest ever I have confronted till date..!

Answer 6

ABOOGABOOGA.. IMA LIK UR EYEBROW

Answer 7

Why did .....uh i don't get it.