I am a writer, I've written short stories and poems. What do you think of this poem?

Question

The Death of a Friend

I found you that day, standing alone and broken by the grave of your past, and you didn’t bother smiling. I understand your pain, the blazing heartache on your sleeve. It’s no one’s fault. The universe seems to work very closely with mystery. There’s no reason for you to keep your smile hidden, I know too many people who do that. Why do you want to hide yourself behind a grave?
I’d give you my hand if I knew you’d take it. I can’t wait forever; I can’t listen to your crying no more. It’s time for me to leave your side, and if the days do not change I’ll come to you. I can’t promise to paint over your old self. My paint is all gone. You were always the kind of person who listened to my words even though I never believed in them.
Everyone clings to those damaged tears; the wetness of such tears brings nothing. Don’t place any more flowers on the grave, leave the beauteous flowers in the dark, the dark is more alive than your soul. Is that such a sad thing? I suggest that you empty all the boxes, throw away the pictures, and clean out the closest and the attic. You’ll be able to live again.
I used to stand outside next to the shingled house, waiting for your tears to dry up. Death is an adventure; will you ever venture down the road alone? One day, when the sun shines brighter, I’ll follow down the road so you can take it easy.

Answer 1

strong starting weak ending all in all its ok but no poe

Answer 2

Think you have great potential!! If you don't mind a small suggestion . . . work on how u space ur lines; hard to explain so that it makes sense in such small space, Maybe something like:
I found you that day,
standing alone, broken by the grave of your past,
You didn't bother smiling.
that way the thoughts are separated and more emphatic. see ee cummings or Rod Mckuen's writings. ur words r fantastic - keep it up. u really know how 2 express emotions in a way that touchs all

Answer 3

I think you've done a lovely job describing the difficulty of walking away from someone stuck in pain and depression and the helplessness for everyone around that person.

There are some things I don't quite understand, though, like "I'd give you my hand if I knew you'd take it." If that's true, I think you've got more to say.

A person cannot empty boxes, etc. until the grief has run its course in its own time.

Ask about this again, if you'd like.

Answer 4

I do not like to be negative concerning creative writing, but I really think you should put some study into poetic form and structure. The figures are disjointed. Is this a short story? Also, this is maudlin: over sentimental; sentimental for the sake of being sentimental.
I'd advise, stripping this "story" to its minimum, grouping verse, checking rhythm, then seeing if you're conveying the emotions the way you really want. That's poetry!

Answer 5

Oh, that's sweet! I am from Indonesia, and I doesn't know many about English poems, but that's sweet! A terible title, good words and a sweet ending! Can you make more? For me?

Answer 6

sorry did nothing for me, it's like you tried to turn a story into a poem has potential so keep going, but like your poem don't try to hard.

Answer 7

I thought it was beautiful and moving! Keep writing!

Answer 8

This is very deep. Angell C.

Answer 9

i thought it was great a very meaningful and beautiful poem.

Answer 10

too long for me sorry