I have a live-in partner and we shared a home for the last 6 years. I love him very much and thought he did too. We did not seem to have any major problems until recently. He has been cheating on the internet on a sex site. He's downloaded nude photos of himself and even some in sexual positions that were not with me. I tracked the emails and discovered that he has been doing this from Oct 05 to Feb 06. Than it all stopped for some reason. We had a blow up and he admitted to the sex site and 1 afternoon delight with a "hooker". He seemed very remorseful and ashamed of his action and behaviour. He's literally begged forgiveness and wants to try again. He said it was his most lowest point in his life and a period where I was doing well in my career and he claimed I neglected him and put him down in that period. I don't know if it was really that one-time or if there is going to be another time moving forward.
2006-06-23 14:35:55 · 19 answers · asked by sadnblue 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
When did it stop? Did it stop by itself or was it because you found out?
Since you two have been through a lot together, I think you should give him a second chance but make him earn your trust back. Sure he cheated but those 6 years and all the stuff you two have been through most likely trumps one meaningless "afternoon delight."
[edit: apparently, your e-mail or whatever is not confirmed or something]
I think you just need to have a little faith.
Your partner told you that he felt like you were ignoring him, so he probably only participated in the sex site because he wanted attention. But after he got that attention, he realized that it wasn't the kind of attention he wanted, he wanted your attention. I truly believe that he's over that and won't do it again because he stopped himself before things went further and admitted it to you. Those are two very big steps.
I'm sure it hurts that he put those actions on photos but that was just an embarrassing, low point in his life that he's over. I think you two should raise your communication levels with each other so things like this don't happen again. Tell him to inform you if he feels that you're ignoring him or if he feels anything is wrong with your relationship.
Though I partially believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing, I don't think that it applies. Those 4 months can't compare to the 6 years you two have spent together.
2006-06-23 14:39:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am going to go against what everyone else is saying. Because it is not true "once a cheater always a cheater". A man can change his ways ONLY by his OWN choice. But that does mean that he CAN change. Maybe he felt neglected by you and now that everything is out in the light and you can deal with the issue, there shouldn't be anymore problems. You should both make an effort to sort this out and show each other more attention. But you need to let him know that you are not soft, or submissive. I think you should give him another chance, given that he can actually prove to you that he's making this change.
2006-06-23 14:42:25 · answer #2 · answered by Hard Head 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cheating is never acceptable. The situation should have never come to the point that you had to find out and call him on it to get some answers. If he was feeling neglected than he should have discussed the situation with you before it came to this. There is a phenomenon which is commonly referred to as "lying by exclusion". This is a commonly used tactic by people who have compulsions or addictions.
If you choose to continue with this relationship you should do 2 things: 1) make your partner attend counseling for his addiction to pornography/sex and/or the issues which prompted the situation 2) let your partner know that he must get screened for STD's. He may not like it, but I'm sure it's not as demeaning as being cheated on......
2006-06-23 14:51:35 · answer #3 · answered by WiseGrasshopper 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Re-gaining trust from a cheater is a slow process. First though, do you want this relationship to continue? If you can not get over the cheating then you should kick him to the curb and start afresh. If you feel there is something worth saving in this relationship, then you both need to communicate with each other. Maybe counselling will help. You both have to be committed to saving your relationship and moving on. If either of you have doubts about the other, then move on.
2006-06-23 14:43:56 · answer #4 · answered by penquin44240 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he was posting nude online pics for almost 6 months... it wasnt a one time "embarrassing misstake". If you really love him and think you can trust him nothing anyone can say will change your idea about him... But go to couples therapy. AND GET HIM TESTED!!!! People can change, but only if they want to. Maybe you did neglect him and treat him like crap, but he could have left, cheating is never going to help a situation. Ask him how he would feel if you did what he did.. GO into detail about all you know.. if he cries then he feels bad, if he says I DONT KNOW then he doesnt. Tell him how upset you are and why... Ask him if he wants to save the relationship and tell him its going to take you time to trust him again if you do.
Damn good answer jasmine lily
2006-06-23 14:47:53 · answer #5 · answered by ChrissyLicious 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that's a tough one. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes.
To me, betrayal is so painful and final. Especially if you're betraying the one you're supposed to LOVE forever and the one closest to you!
You've got to think, even after 6 years, he still decided to risk the relationship and YOUR love......all for some skanky hooker and online sex. We may all feel neglected from time to time, but not all of us decide to be so weak and CHOOSE to cheat or betray. Apparently he didn't think of the consequences. Or he did, and just didn't care. The ultimate decision is yours, but if it were me, I'd let him GO. It's possible to find a man out there that's strong enough to resist simple temptations.
2006-06-23 14:41:56 · answer #6 · answered by Jasmine Lily 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TO THE CURB BAT GIRL , YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE THE LAST ,,, Once a cheat always a cheat he has a self esteem issue with himself and that's his problem... move on and find a real man who doesn't play like a boy on the computer like a pervert. This is a reality check for you and this is it!!!
2006-06-23 14:42:51 · answer #7 · answered by alohalilreddiva 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i beleive firmly in forgiveness but i don't beleive in going back to him. remember the good times and don't hold a grudge because it will hold you back in life. i am a male and i was cheated on in a 5 year relationship. i know what it feels like and to this day i am still here for her if she ever needs anything but do not go back to him. move on, there are plenty of other men out there and you will see that if you give yourself the chance to move on. there is NEVER ANY REASON TO CHEAT!!!!!!!
2006-06-23 14:43:04 · answer #8 · answered by majeco 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Move on. Very rarely does a person cheat only once. It will happen again and again. There are billions of people in this world, he is only one. Just move on. Don't let him hurt you again. Don't let him blame you for his selfish act. Get out of his life, er, I mean, get him out of your life. For good. That type of person does not love you and does not care about you and has no respect for you. Move on.
2006-06-23 14:42:26 · answer #9 · answered by spudric13 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do what the saying says: Forgive and Forget! Let him know that even at his moments when he feels the weakest, you are still by his side. Also tell your partner that you love him and you accept his perfection along with his flaws.
2006-06-23 14:41:47 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋