how do i deal with this?

Question

my wife and i have been having trouble for 3 years now, we were apart for a little while while i tried to seek employment in another state, she told me she had to have brain surgery, to get me to come where we are now, it was a lie.
then shortly after i was here, she told me she had "flirted" with another guy.
she told me for the last three years i want a divorce then as soon as i was about to go she'd say no dont leave, this happens about every 3 months. 15 days ago i learned she was chatcheating, and downloading pornography. I filed for a divorce, then she said she wanted to work things out, said everything i wanted to hear but gave me no reason to trust her. I asked her not to chat at all, and found she was using instant messanger to talk to "friends", then i asked her, if i could look at her email, and i showed her mine she refused. then i came home early and caught her online and she quickly closed everything and pushed me out of the room. trust?

we have been married a total of 9 years and we have 2 children together. the first year we were married she chatcheated. and i took her back, i love her but how much of this can a person take.

i keep trying to get conversation out of her, because we havent had an adult conversation in these 3 years, every time i talk she says im pushing, and then she pushes me away and does the yo-yo thing.

Answer 1

YOU BIGDADDY..I JUST READ THIS ONE THAT YOU PUT IN THE OTHER DAY...AFTER READING THIS I WOULD SAY FORGET IT ALL AND GO ON WITH THE DIVORCE..SHE IS PLAYING YOU...BIG TIME...AND SHE KNOWS IT...I WOULD NOT EVER TRUST HER AGAIN AND WITHOUT TRUST YOU HAVE NOTHING..DO YOU HONESTLY WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY...SEEMS TO ME YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS FOR TOOOOO LONG....TIME TO MOVE ON. YOU DESERVE BETTER.. AND YES THE CHATCHEATING IS AS BAD AS CHEATING IN REAL LIFE...IF NOT WORSE AND THAT JUST LEADS TO OTHER THINGS.. AND IS THAT WHERE SHE IS MEETING ALL THE NEW GUYS IN HER LIFE? ON THE NET...THAT IS BAD NEWS RIGHT THERE....DO YOU LIVE NEAR TAHOE OR WHERE ONE OF THESE GUYS DOES THAT SHE IS MESSING WITH OR DID SHE MEET THEM ON THE INTERNET...INTERNEST...BOUT WHAT IT IS...THINGS WILL NOT CHANGE..SO IF YOU STAY WITH HER THESE THINGS WILL CONTINUE ON...I KNOW SOMEONE SAID CHEAT ON HER LIKE SHE IS YOU...DON'T DO THAT..YOU ARE LOWERING YOURSELF TO HER STANDARDS AND WITH KIDS YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT....LEAVE HER...NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE OR GET BETTER..

Answer 2

You obviously have problems in your relationship that you dont' know anything about. Seek counseling immediately if you want the marraige to work. It seems she isnt' sure, which means you could still save the marriage. A marriage counselor will allow a third person to mediate the conversations between you.....making her feel more safe to talk to you about where this is all stemming from. If you dont' find out what needs to change, then you can fix the problem. You need an ultimatum.......we go to counseling and the "cheating" stops, or we divorce. No gray area, changing your mind back and forth. Straight foward. There is NO reason for you to tolerate her extra-marital "activities". Things can be fixed even after someone strays.....BUT you BOTH need to give 200% effort to make it work out.

Answer 3

Obviously you do not trust her and there cannot be a relationship without trust. If your instincts are telling you that divorce is the answer and you have no desire to try to save the relationship, then get the divorce. If you want to save the relationship, you should look into marriage counseling.

Answer 4

Why do you continue to stay,,, you have to do what you want,, not what she tells you, she has proven over and over that she isn't going to magically be trustworthy,, my advice is either both of you into serious counseling and you remove the computer from the house or limit her access when your not home,, or you just get out of a bad thing and get on with your life,,say goodbye and mean it. I hope there are no children involved.

Answer 5

she's just stringing you along. She is getting the comfort of you being there for her but get some other comfort filled that you cant do for her. She is the type that doesnt want to hurt you. I would say try marriage counseling or just file for divorse and put your foot down, u need to stop her from controlling you and stepping on your life.

Answer 6

Trust? Absolutely not! Marriages are based on trust and honor, and her actions - all of them - are clear indicators that she has virtually NO respect for her marriage, or you. If I were you in this situation, I wouldn't trust her if my life depended on it, and I would follow through on those divorce papers. You don't deserve this.

Your wife, dare I say this, is manipulating you as if you were a yo-yo. She wants to be able to do what she wants, regardless of your protestations, concerns and requests. She is not concerned about how this is affecting you emotionally and psychologically in any way shape or form, except when it affects her. On some level, she is terrified of being divorced (as she should be because it isn't easy), so when you begin to move forward, that's when she cares about you. Thus, the bottom line is that her primary focus is on HERSELF and HER NEEDS, not that of your marriage or your emotional state of mind. Additionally, when you begin to move forward part of the fun of what she is doing - the intrigue, the flirting, the mind games she plays with you, as well as her ability to be able to manipulate you, are no longer fun for her then. She backs down, makes promises she eventually won't keep, says what she wants you to hear, but the moment your guard is down and you relent? POOF, she is back to playing games. She is a control freak and a manipulator.

No one, but NO ONE, should ever treat anyone like a yo-yo. I am sure you feel like one, too, and that is so unfair and sad. But take back your power and stop allowing her to do this to you. I KNOW you want to believe that she will try, and I KNOW you want to trust her again, but it isn't going to happen, especially not after three years of this. I don't mean to be harsh at all because I have been there, but this is not a marriage, and there is no basis for trust here.

As hard as this may be to read, you must sever your relationsip and actively file for divorce. You have to mean it seriously or else she will continue to do what she is doing to you. Playing mind games and manipulating you beyond all reason truly illuminates the kind of woman she truly is: selfish, self absorbed and self centered, and that kind of person only brings negativity. Let go. Breathe. Move on.

PS: As an aside, I left my former husband 11 years ago after similar circumstances. He was doing similar things, but also was sleeping with others. I tried to work things out for years; each time we went through the same cycle as you. I would find something and confront him; he'd beg for forgiveness and weeks later more crap came up. I finally filed divorce papers and went through with it and he was shocked.

Was it hard? Yes. Painful, scary, weird, etc? Yes. Worth it? ABSOLUTELY. 4 years after we divorced I met my second husband and I have never been happier. As for my ex? He got remarried 6 months after our divorce to a woman he didn't love and was already betraying...not with another woman, but with ME, on the phone! Here he was, newly married, calling ME, his ex wife of 10 years, to check on how I was doing. Sometimes he would cry and tell me he missed me. When I would ask how his marriage was he'd say,."It's not bad, but it isn't good either." I would sit there on the phone and wonder what the hell he was doing. Finally, it dawned on me - he was doing to her what he did to me all along...secrets, lies, betrayals. The leopard didn't change is spots. My ex didn't learn his lesson.

He called me every week for YEARS until I put a stop to it by asking if he and his wife wanted to have dinner with my husband and I! Did we? Nope. Funny, how quickly that game came to an end when I was going to bring it to the forefront. Some people just like secrets.

You will be fine, you know. Really.

Answer 7

the best thing you can do is leave and start over without her ,its a shame you had to waste three years of your life with her,she is obviously not your one true love and definately not your soal mate,be thankful this happened and now you are free to move on in your life and be with the one person who will treat you the way you should be treated your true one will be out there and not to far away,and you weill love and trust her

Answer 8

i am sorry to hear that you are having this trouble - i would say good bye to her - she isnt worthy of another chance. you are to be commended for making the quick decision to divorce - follow thru with it. you deserve better. and dont let her garbage affect your self esteem - it has nothing to do with you - it is her nonsense not yours.

Answer 9

it sounds, seriously, like she may have some psychological problems or sex addiction. i'd let her go and move on. don't do the head games, TRUST is a big part of a relationship.

Answer 10

If she wanted to work things out, then she would at least try.