i'm gasping for ciggy, but dr told me to give up. tell me joke, take mind off it?

Answer 1

Two men fell off a cliff














































































































































































































































BOOM BOOM

Answer 2

Guy Rules:

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice ***, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.

20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

Answer 3

Bad day at work?

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station that
was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she
won.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you
what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities
of
my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is
quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment
sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden
hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I
do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the
hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized
what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish
and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my
back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my
butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, was all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I
aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach
the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at
the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed
out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his
face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon
as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't
poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now
repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad
day?

Answer 4

Here I'll keep it on the same subject....Good luck!!

Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the dry cigarette told her friend, "You can purchase condoms at the pharmacy."

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist,"Do you sell condoms?"

The pharmacist said "Yes" but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said "One that will fit a Camel."

Answer 5

A rabbit escaped from a laboratory once and found a whole field of rabbits right outside. He went over to them, played with them, went and ate carrots, sunbathed, and finally shagged all night long. The next morning he said "Ok, I loved this whole day, but I gotta get back to the lab." Another rabbit asked "Don't you like it here?" The first rabbit replied, "Yes, but now im dying for a cig."

Answer 6

Just a joke for you

Q. Who is the most successful business man in the Bible?






A. Noah - he kept a limited company afloat while the rest of the world went into liquidation.

Answer 7

There once was a cigarette company CEO that agreed to kill millions of people every year so he could have a great life. the government did not interefere because they got 40% tax money on it.

The advertisers did not interefer because they got their money too.

One day a guy was minding his own business driving his truck when he dropped his ciggarette in between the seats, as he looked down to search for it, The CEO was crossing the seat and BAM!!!!

Poetic Justice.

Answer 8

Better than a joke, find something to occupy your mind and hands. Go for a walk, pick up a new exciting hobby.

Answer 9

a man went into a hardware store
can i help u asked the attendant
I want a kilo of nails replied the man
how long do u want them asked the attendant
I'd like to keep em replied the man

Answer 10

Take a shower, chew some gum, got to find something to do with your hands for sure. I don't know a good joke, but I do know how you feel.

Answer 11

i never respected quiters , exuse me why i go smoke a delicious , smooth yet flavorfull marboro fresh out of a carton that has been in the freezer . there is nothing better than a cold marlboro light , don't you agree?