i need to know some jokes and riddles?

Answer 1

-www.ahajokes.com-funny, clean jokes

Answer 2

It was in the 1800's. There was a wooden warship out on the ocean. The guy up in the crow's nest yelled down to the captain, "One enemy ship on the horizon!" The captain yelled to the first mate, "Bring me... my red shirt." So the first mate did, and the battle started. Not a single sailor from their ship was lost. After a while the first mate asked the captain, "Why did you want me to bring you your red shirt?" The captain said, "That way, if I'm wounded, the will blend in and my crew won't notice and will keep fighting." The next day, the guy up in the crow's nest yells down to the captain, "Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain yelled to the first mate, "Bring me... my brown pants."

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A guy went to the doctor. The doctor said, "I have bad and worse news." The guy said, "OK, what's the bad news?" The doctor said, "You have 24 hours to live." The guy says, "Well, what's the worst news?" The doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

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There was a guy who mom was really really sick. He brought her to the hospital. The doctors spent 72 hours straight diagnosing the problem. The guy waited in the hallway the whole time. Finally the doctor came out, and said,"OK, we have good and bad news. The guy says, "What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "Your grandmais OK, but she can't move at all. You will have to feed her and bathe her. She has a condition which makes all of her feces smell 10 times stronger. She also cannot control her pooping and . You will have to pay for diapers, which will cost a lot since she is so big. You will also have to change her diapers. You're going to have to massage her feet to keep them from having to be amputated, even though she has a very contagious bacteria on her feet which we do not have a cure for." The guy is really depressed, as he doesn't have a high income. He says, "Well, what is the good news?" The doctor says, "Ahhh, I'm just kidding. She's !"

Answer 3

there was a man named joe he lived on the top floor of a famous hotel in New York every day he would ride down th elevator leave the building and go to work and when he came back from work he would have to use the stairs to get to his room why....


HE WAS A MIGIT AND COULDNT REACH THE TOP BUTTONS ON THE ELEVATOR HE COULD ONLY REACH THE BOTTOM BUTTONS WHEN HE WAS GOING DOWN THE ELEVATOR

Answer 4

whats a yes-or-no question that you cant answer "yes" to and be telling the truth?

are you sleeping? (or dead, but thats a little morbid for a riddle).

think about it.

Answer 5

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Answer 6

use the yahoo serch ingin and look up jockes

your momma so stupid she tried to dround a fish

Answer 7

whats red & sits in the corner?

a naugty strawberry

Answer 8

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.


A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

It was Friday,and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,"Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.


Two blondes walk into a building...
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Ok this guy is boarding a plane 2 Missouri from Michigan. this guy on the plane drops a coin. the guy said what did u that 4? he said my mom told me 2 do it. So after he got off he saw a kid lying on the road crying so he said why r u crying? the kid said a coin hit me on the head. after the trip, he boarded the plane back 2 Michigan and saw a person drop a wine bottle the guy said what did u that 4?he said his grandma told him 2 do it.So after he got off he saw a kid lying on the road crying so he said why r u crying? the kid said a wine bottle hit me on the head. then he took another trip 2 Missouri. this terrorist on the plane drops a bomb.the guy said what did u that 4? Hitler told me 2 do it. so he gets off and walks around 4 a while then sees this kid lying on the ground laughing. he said why r u laughing. the boy said I farted and a building blew up! lol

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios? "Oh look, donut seeds."

Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done."

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Answer 9

A blonde went into a library and said, "Hi! I'm here to get my hair cut!"

The librarian looked at her strangely and said, "Um...this is a library."

The blonde replied, "Oh, I'm sorry."
::whispering:: "I'm here to get my haircut."

Answer 10

why doesn't a witch wear panties?

to get a better grip on her broom