help! my 14 year old doesn't care what she looks like. what do i do?

Question

i have a 14 year old daughter and she is going into 9th grade in august. she doesnt wear make up. could care less about fasion. i have to remind her to put on deoderent and change her underwear everyday. she has jewlery but doesnt wear any. her zits are terrible. she doesnt keep her face clean. she never checks herself in the mirror before leaving home. her hair is always frizzy looking. i try to help her out but she thinks i am picking on her. then we both end up frustrated and i give up and let her go. i love her like crazy and she is a very beautiful young lady and i just wish she would wear something besides jeans, raggy t-shirts and the same pair of socks all the time.

Answer 1

Ask her why she doesn't care about those things and see what she says. Listen to her point of view and then tell her yours and work on a compromise. Tell her that she doesn't have to wear makeup and be a girly girl or anything like that, but she should at least have good hygiene. Warn her (nicely) that people are not going to want to hang around someone with body odor or someone with a bad complection or a rat's nest for hair. Just be nice about it, and tell her that you just want whats best for her.

Answer 2

I really didn't care at that age, either, but I did use proper hygiene. For me, I didn't think I was very pretty or cool or popular, so why bother. Also, I thought if I just didn't try to make myself stand out, no one would bother me. It was all about self esteem. I just didn't think I could pull off the styles and whatnot that the cool kids could, so I just didn't do anything. I didn't want to look stupid for trying to fit in with the cool kids.

It was silly, but that was how I tried to stay in the shadows. However, I did wear clean clothes. I'm not sure how to address that one. Maybe you could have her put her dirty clothes in the laundry room everyday, so it would be easier for her to grab clean clothes. Make her keep her room cleaner? The two of you could get manicures or pedicures or makeovers together or have a spa day or something. Otherwise, just let her wear whatever she wants (clean). If she's comfortable, what does it matter? It's what's inside that counts, even if she is pretty on the outside, too.

I think it's just that teenage trap of self esteem.

Answer 3

Try talking to her about other aspects of her life: school, friends, what makes her happy, what makes her sad, etc... If it was just a lack of makeup and fashion interest, I'd say it's just a phase and she'll come out of it when she's ready. The not keeping herself clean and not changing her underwear is most troubling and could be a sign of depression (which is why I say to engage her about other topics... to gauge her mood/emotional state.) If she seems happy (which is relative for an adolescent girl!) and is doing well in school and maintaining friendships, then you don't have much to worry about. Insist that she keeps herself and her clothes clean, but don't fuss at her about what she wears and what she does of doesn't do with her hair. If you think there are other signs of depression, get her to a counselor for a professional opinion. Depression is treatable but can be painful and debilitating if it's not.

Answer 4

When i was entering high school I went through the same thing. I wore all baggy clothes if i did brush my hair it was only to out it in a ponytail and my Zits were terrible. At the time i told my mom it was because i was not hung up on all the stupid fashion trends and wanted to be what i wanted to be. But as a look back I know that is not true. Even though my parents told me all the time how beautifully i was i didn't believe it. I thought i would never fit in with anyone but the friends I already had and they likes me the way i was. I remember one day in grade 8 i bought a new shirt that I was absolutely in love with I wore it to school the next day and the popular girls were quick to point out how ugly they thought it was from that point on i decided that if i could not understand fashion i wouldn't try. i just stopped caring. As i left high school i began to find myself again and began to care but my high school years were hell. I don't want your daughter to go through the same things. If you can get her to talk to you try to find out the real root of the situation she may not come right out with it but if you keep trying you can find out. Take her out to do some girlie things like getting your nails done together or take her for a makeover where some one can teach her how to style her hair and put on makeup she may just not be sure about it and doesn't really trust her old fudy dudy mom. But don't give up on her and if in the end she still doesn't want to take care of herself maybe just support her in that what she needs more than anything is her mothers support. She will grow out of it. Good luck

Answer 5

Honestly, i went through the same thing. I only wore baggy clothes, would not wear make up, and didnt care much about my face. But I got over it, on my own. My mom just let it pass, she would sometimes subtlely tell me about this "cute shirt" but never pushed me.

Personally, part of the problem was that I didnt feel that attractive. I thought that since im not that pretty, why should I even try. But my family simply assured me that I was pretty, and it helped during my phase. haha. Well hope this helps. I can relate with your daughter. Dont try to make her feel bad, it will only be worst. Instead, when you see a sale with the type of clothes she likes...tell her about it. Kind of like doing the opposite. I dont know..it worked for me. Best wishes.

Answer 6

Just talk to her about how important it is to be hygienic. Don't try to push makeup or jewelry on her (some parents have the opposite problem). Above all don't criticize her, she'll feel horrible about it. If you're tired of seeing the same thing on her all the time, ask what other kinds of clothes she might be interested in a buy a few other outfits (things that can be mixed and matched). Other than that you just have to remember how tough it is being a teen. Talk to her but don't nag (nobody want to be a nag).

Answer 7

On one hand I can TOTALLY see where you're coming from. I am 14 and EXACTLY the opposite of her. In fact I can't leave the house without makeup on and looking my best... But on the other hand, I think when she is ready to be more feminine she will be. Or maybe it's that she doesn't think she's pretty enough and make up will just be a waste of time because no one looks at her anyways...Try to find out what she's thinking. It will help.

Answer 8

It's a stage that she's going through. My fourteen year old son has just passed through that stage and now, almost over night it seems, he's so obsessed with his appearance that I can't get in the bathroom to brush my teeth. He was the world's biggest slob until then, and wouldn't even brush his hair or change his clothes. It was a constant battle until I realized that part of this scene was him trying to assert his Independence and control, and as a teenager we don't have much control over anything except our own bodies and appearance. She will pass out of this stage and in no time you will be telling her that her skirts too short and she's wearing too much makeup. lol...raising teens..what a trip. Good luck to you. Incidentally, the tidy stage coming up next does not include their bedrooms.

Answer 9

well, she is her own perosn and can do whatever she wants to do with her clothes and hair. But dont try to get her to change because it can hurt her self esteem. Its just her way of life.. Though keep encouraging her to have good hygiene, like wearing clean unuderwear and wearing deoderant. Also give her a couple of HELPFUL hints everynow and then but not too outthere or often.

Answer 10

Let her be who she is. My parents hate that i love the grunge goth look of the early 90s and late 80s. They hate that i dont wear make up but they realize that if i were to look any different i would be the same woman i am today, and they like who i am as a person. What a person wears does not make them who they are. If she is comfortable let her be comfortable, because if you force her to change she will become self consious, and lose her friends because of her nervousness. The beautful things about her will be hidden by her fear of looking the way you make her look.