what would you do?

Question

Ok here is my situation, I am 3 days away from giving birth... The father and I where together in the beginning we bought a house together after I found out I was pregnant and everything. Once we lived together for a month or 2 it became just to much for us, fighting all the time. We rushed into it. Well we broke up I moved back in with my parents. When we broke up he told me that he didnt want anything to do with the child due to he didnt want to pay child support. Well I recently sent his family a letter inviting them to come see my daughter after her birth and his sister wrote me back saying she would be there, and then also relayed some messages to me from the father, he said that if he gets a paternity test and shows to be his kid he wants to take care of her and also wants her to have his last name. I then wrote back happy he had decided to be in her life and said ok but for him to get ahold of me. And nothing no word what should I do next?

I guess what I am asking is, should I after all this give in to him and give him what he wants. Am i supposed to wait for the paternity results to come back just to change her last to his from mine. since I cant just give her his last name without him signing the birth certifacate.

Answer 1

You shouldn't do anything except await the birth of your child. It is not your job to make him an involved parent, that's all him.

To clear up a couple of misconceptions given to you by some of the other responders, the last name you give your child does not have any affect on custody. Zippo. You can give the child the last name of Presley if you want to, it's up to you. Under the law, you both have rights. You most likely have full physical custody by default, but legal might be joint once paternity has been established. That varies from state to state.

Once paternity is established (which can either be done by the father signing an acknowledgement or through a paternity test), your child has the right to be supported by both parents. Whether he chooses to see the child or not is irrelevant. That isn't you being a b*tch, that's the right of the child. Visitation is a separate matter altogether. He has the right to visitation. A formal schedule can and probably should be set up in a court of law. You can do this by either coming to an agreement yourselves and having a lawyer file it, or by going to court and letting a judge decide. If at all possible, you want to do this when you are getting along, believe me.

Should you ever end up in a custody battle, and trust me, you don't want to, you need to be able to prove that you have always encouraged a relationship between the child and her father. Document everything. Every time you offer visitation and he declines, every time he gives you money or diapers or whatever, every time he calls, every time he takes you up on visitation, everything. Write it down in a notebook and keep it organized. Should it ever come to a custody battle, you will then be able to show a timeline of things that went on.

Don't ever lose track of the fact that this child has a right to both parents, regardless of how you feel about it. It's not about you, it's not about him, it's about that child. I am a single mother of a 5 year-old girl whose father never sees her, and it breaks her heart. He's a messed up guy who I would dearly love to kick in the shins repeatedly, but if he ever asked for visitation I would give it to him in a heartbeat. It's her right, and not having him in her life upsets her no matter how much I try to fix it. My girl is smart, I like to think she's smart enough that she'd remember who exactly drives her everywhere, takes her to school, buys her clothes, puts a roof over her head, holds her when she's sick.... and who doesn't. He pays support faithfully, I'll give him that (court ordered), and although I don't get into amounts with her (of course) I do make it clear that he sends money to help out with food, clothing, etc. That helps her somewhat, but she'd give anything to have him visit her, and so would I, because then it wouldn't be this fantasy in her head anymore.

Anyway, long story short... talk to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. This isn't about you anymore, it's about the life you're about to bring into this world. Good luck to you, but remember... every decision you make will affect this child for the rest of her life. Choose carefully.

Answer 2

Did you know you don't have to give the child either one of the parents last names? You can give the child any name you choose. So if you are sure that he is the father,and you want here to have that last name, you can put the last name on the birth certificate, with out listing him as the father. And then after the test results prove he is the father you can file a petition to amend the birth certificate and have him listed. In Calif. this cost about $30. End result the child gets the last name you want her to have, even if he doesn't like it.

Answer 3

this is a very difficult situation but you are not alone a lot of women go through the same thing and the best answer is going to be the one that works best for you. Every mom wants what is best for their children but deciding what is the best is often harder than expected. of course you want the father to be involved in this little girls life but remember you don't need him and she doesn't need a part time dad who is going to break her heart. the best advice i can give you is find a way to get a hold of him. Although you are no longer together you have to be able to discuss what is best for the child that you both brought into this world. set your personal problems aside and worry about your daughter. Many guys have a really hard time accepting a new baby in there life's it is scary for them. You have been carrying the baby for 9 months now and have already bonded with her for him the sudden appearance of a baby can be very frighting. Just make sure he knows that if he does decide to be a part of her life that he is making a commitment to her to be more than a financial provider but also to be there emotionally for her too. She doesn't need a dad who disappears and reappears when ever it best suits him. This is a hard decision and one only you can make, just do what you think is best for your daughter and you will know you are doing the right thing.

Answer 4

The child deserves to be supported at least financially by her father. It is totally up to you if you want her to have your name or his. If you feel he may be the type to stick around for a while then be gone again you may want to hold off. Later you may marry someone who will be a good husband and father and if he is an absentee dad and willing to give up his parental rights then your daughter could be adopted by new hubby and you would all have the same family name.
No matter what you decide, don't let him jerk you around. Make sure he knows the ball is in your court not his and he doesn't get to be involved when he wants and only on his terms. It's all or nothing when it comes to being a responsible parent.

Answer 5

your ex is an idiot. Put YOUR name on the birth certificate. Absolutely!! This guy has been "talked" into being a part of the baby's life by a family member. Once the baby is born and he sees how hard it is...he'll be out of the picture.

You can take him to court for child support regardless of the baby's last name.

What a jerk....sorry for you sweetie. Enjoy the baby

Answer 6

If I would be in your shoes I would never ask for his support. And Is your last name any less good than his???Have at least some self dignity and self respect to stay away from the guy who regret you and your baby during the time of need. After your baby is born-what do you need the guy for...?!If you decide you want for your daughter to stay in touch with his side of the family, and they will accept her-maybe , I say maybe it is ok. But I would NEVER push or ask for it!!!!!!He is the one who should seek a contact with a baby, HIS BABY!!! Best of wishes and good luck _- Robin

Answer 7

i went throuh the same thing i gave my daughter her daddys last name even though he did not sign the pappers. and i also think that you should and no matter how you feel about him never put the babys dad down in frount of him or her when they get older. and yes you should file for child support even thoug he did not sign the pappers i did and i am getting it. and you never know he might come around. but if not and you get a new boyfriend just rember not all guys are ready for a ready made family but there are guys out there who are willing to take care of you and the baby.

Answer 8

You're better off without the father in either of your lives. He doesn't know what he wants. He had nine months to figure it out, and he isn't coming forward on his own. I know it's lonely having a baby with no one to share the joy, love, and responsibilities with, but after you get the hang of it, you'll be a cute little family of two, and free to spend your life trying to find a real man who will love you both.

Answer 9

If you give your child his last name he could fight harder for custody and not pay a dime for it...you would. My daughter didnt have her dad's last name and then we got back together and I went ahead and changed it to his last name (which didnt cost me anything) ....only because we've been together for 7 yrs. since then. I would wait and see if he's really going to live up to his word until you make any major decisions right now.

Answer 10

Speaking from experience don't give the baby his last name!!It cost to get your baby's name changed. Also let him see the baby what will it hurt. It's up to you in regards to the child support. If you need the cash go for it.