I need advice, I don't know what to do!?

Question

I've been married for 6 months. I'm not perfect, but I've shared everything I have with my husband, my heart, my soul, my love, my secrets, and all my material possesions. I even went so far as to give him one of my atm/credit cards to my bank account. He abused it one day not caring because he was mad at me, and I ended up $500 dollars in debt. I left him for it for a few days, but I feel very strongly about the bond of marriage, so I decided I must try again. I wasnt able to salvage my account, so I had to go to another bank and open another account, letting him know it was not going to be shared. I just found out today that this a@@hole got my debit card out of the mail before me and has already activated my card and started using it. I feel that I should leave him, why stay with someone who you cant trust to respect your personal possesions?
What do you think?

What would you do?

He's already been disrespectful in the past by taking my car without even saying a word to me, but he argues the fact that since we're married it's not only my car anymore, it's ours. My point is if it's ours you should still respect me and mines.

Answer 1

....And this is all new to you??? Several questions: How long did the two of you date prior to marriage? Did you go to counseling? Does he work? It is rare that someone can completely hide there flaws over a substantial period of time. That is the purpose of the dating relationship-to assist each individual in seeing how this significant other will react in a variety of situations, such as, illness, loss of family member, loss of job, how they treat other people, how they react around your family, what their belief systems are. Do not give up so soon....seek out help for you and for him. My dear, this may have come as a surprise to you, but he did not change after you married him....you just didn't see the reality. Find a counselor, buckle down and work this thing out. Marriage is hard work that may not pay off for a long time, but it is a worthy investment.

Answer 2

You cannot trust someone that is stealing from you. The money in a marriage is suppose to be for the both of you, however if you decided before hand how you will be handling your finances and he is going behind your back, then today it is $500 tomorrow it is $1000. You will decide when enough is enough. The best advice that I can give you is never go back on a treat. If you say your are going to do something as a consequence of someone else actions stick with it. When you back down, it makes you appear weak and the person will have you for breakfast. If that is the only problem in your marriage, then you might consider going to marriage counseling to work this out. Find out why he needs this money, and what he is using it for. If he is using it for the marriage then, relax, it will come back to you anyway. If he is using it for selfish reasons, then make him get another job, or a job if he doesn't have one. The best plan of actions is to communicate, and remember saying I am sorry is just sorry, especially when the offender doesn't change.

Answer 3

ok heres the deal, yes in marriage yes your suppost to share everything, BUT you do not abuse your partners things like that. you know, its like my husband and I we have our own seperate vehicles, where our own names are on the title and such, well we respect each other enough that we do not just take each others stuff, and we have a checking account that we share, generally we just pay the bills, get gas, go grocery shopping. Well even though he makes more money than I do, he still asks me before he goes out and buys something, sometimes we sit down and discuss stuff like that together. But needless to say, he had no right to disrespect your bank accounts like that, that is fraud, and you could get him on that if you really wanted to push it. My first husband felt that any extra money we had, or that I had should be spent by him as soon as he knew I had it. I was very unhappy for a long time, even depressed. He even put big ol dents and dings and cigarett burns all over it and in it. It was a very nice car untill he decided that he could do whatever he wanted. But anyways, what I'm getting at is, nobody should have to deal with that, yes marriage is a very sacred thing that deals with a lot of trust and respect. If he cant respect you and you cant trust him, you dont have a marriage, can you imagine what it will be like if you two bring children into the world if you havent already, just think about that. Because then you wont have any money or anything for them because he will have already spent/blew it on whatever he feels like. You will never be able to afford your dream home. And chances are you will never be able to do anything good for yourselves or your children if you keep on this path of his distructiveness, especially considering the fact that he's already started ruining your credit.

Answer 4

My husband and I have seperate accounts and one shared account for Household Expenses. We have seperate cars in each of our names. Most everything else we share, but we respect there are things that do not belong to us. My old debts and his old debts we do not share either.

Also my husband and I talked about these things before we got married. We maybe should have done a pre-nup, but things are still going very well. We have an old fashioned marriage, with our new personailities attached.

If he were to take all our money and cause us to go in the whole and in debt, then there is big trouble. We will try to patch things up and if it doesnt work and counseling does no good, I would have to leave the relationship because he is being selfish and not caring about the marriage and a life we had built together.

Answer 5

Lady, something's wrong with both of you and you are blaming each other and trying to hurt each other. Cant you keep your debit card data confidential? Are you such a fool? Or can you not cancel it?

In a marriage, you need to share respect and belongings. You say that you gave him all your material possessions. What is the big deal if he takes your car? You take his and use his credit card.

If you feel that he is going to harm you and take away all your money then cancel all your joint a/c and credit cards. Move your money into a different bank and protect your money. Watch his reaction. If he becomes furious, ask him to share his car, debit card et al before he uses yours.

Contact a marriage counsellor before taking the drastic step of leaving. Here many are advising you to leave without thinking. Plz don't do it in haste.

Answer 6

No, these things are not his, if they were acquired by you prior to your marriage to him, then these are your separate property items. I don't know what state you live in, but your state may be a community property state. In a community property state the separate property of the parties is recognized as separate property.

What you need to do is keep all your stuff separate. Do not allow him access to your keys, or your credit cards or your bank accounts. In fact, you can call your bank and credit card companies and have your accounts set up in such a way that you are the only authorized user and you will have to select a password that you will use every time you go to use your accounts. Do not write this password down anywhere and don't tell him what it is. Make it something that he will never, ever be able to guess in a million years.

Then you need to get a lawyer if you can afford one, or go to your local courthouse and get a dissolution of marriage packet and file for a divorce. This guy is definately taking advantage of you and has no intentions of love or marriage.

Answer 7

Let me just say that the first year of marriage is crazy. I suggest that even if he did get your ATM card out of the mail, go to the bank and put a pin number on it that only you know. He can't use it without the number. He also can't use it if it's not signed. I kept my maiden name so alot of my mail comes in my maiden name and my married name. My credit cards come in my maiden name so that when they go to a store, the clerk automatically asks for ID. If his name doesn't match my name, they won't let him use the card. Get an account that you two share and keep only the minimum in it and then get yourself a seperate account for the bills and whatever. He won't have access to that account unless you give it to him. If this is what you have to do to last financially in your marriage, do it. If you think the marriage isn't worth it, get out. You don't want to be in a marriage and so financially unstable that you find yourself living under a bridge with bad credit because of him being irresponsible. Talk to him about the danger that he is putting the marriage in.

Answer 8

You've displayed what is wrong with recent generations and why the divorce rate is on the incline. You have to work this out; he does as well. But after a few incidents you're just ready to throw the towel in? That's weak. He obviously is in the wrong here, but when you marry you give up autonomy; that's the difference between being married and just a serious relationship. So learn to communicate and create common goals for your money so that you both have something to save for, perhaps a down payment on a house or a new vehicle for you to share.

Answer 9

Let me tell you this is the beggining of alot....

my step dad, has a gambeling problem..
well for a year he gut into all kinds of debts....
they are about to loos the house..
they have lost the car
and many many friends.. he barrowed mony from and never payed...
jewlery..(wedding rings)
my moms life its miserable... she had to destroy all the check books... the credit cards... and has her neighbor hold the money for her, because nothing is safe at home..
you cant let this guy do this to you...


Look he is suppose to PROVIDE for you not TAKE...
and if he can t provide the less he can do is Not take what you have.... Have you ever thaught he might be using you....

Look hes being a jerk... now its only been less than a year...
get out..now b-4 the kids come...or youll end up like my mom

Not being able to sleep checking the balance on the back account dayli...
worried one they she and the kids will get evicted..
having people talk and think bad about her ... (not knowing she had nothing to do with what he was doing...)
Taking anty depressents...
crying all day every day...

GOOD LUCK.. AND REALLY YOU DON T WANT TO LIVE LIKE SHE DOES..

Answer 10

You poor girl. I went through the same thing with my ex-husband. I would secretly start hiding money in a separate account. It would be best if you could have your mother set up an account in her name and you could use it for deposits. This man is going to make so much debt for you. $500 is nothing. My ex racked up $15,000 in 3 years of marriage. Then he had an affair and divorced me. He tried to stick me with his debt. I won and he had to take the debt 100%. However I was very scared because I had no money while divorcing.

Be prepared and save money and do not ever tell him about it. Hide your cards from him. Hide all sources of money from him and close any joint accounts. If he is gonna spend that way let him do it alone. Have proof that you are not the spender in court. Good Luck.