I've been married for more than 20 years. I met my husband when I was 16 and married him at 18. Most of those years were good ones, but for the past 5 or 6 years I feel like I've been the glue to this marriage. Recently, he left me for another woman, was away for about 3 months, but wen ended back together, with a struggle. He's an alcoholic. I still love him, but not the same anymore. In the past, he's had a roving eye. He even lost a job because of this roving eye once. I forgave him in the past, including this time, but the difference this time is that I am not the same person anymore, and I met someone that now treats me like a queen. Unfortunately, this person turned out to be a family member of his. We have fallen in love and he wants a future with me as do I. I still love my husband and would want to work it out with him, but I don't trust him anymore. He's now behaving and treating me somewhat decent, for now. Any suggestions? Anyone with a similar experience?
2006-06-23 05:49:19 · 20 answers · asked by BluePassion 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have known some who have had similar experiences.
The most important aspect in your situation is that you are in love with this new person in your life and considering a future with him, and his emotions are much the same. Yet, you say that you love your husband and would want to work it out with him. This may sound incredible, but let's put that aside for now.
Let's ask ourselves a simple question: Is it possible or even practical to think of continuing the relationship with your husband, and at the same time contemplate marriage with this new person? Are you trying to choose between the two alternatives? Or, for some strange reason, are you trying to create a 'Best of Both Worlds' scenario, which is actually the 'Worst of Both Worlds'?
For one thing, your husband sounds like an incorrigible character, who will blithely carry on with his ways if he somehow manages to gain forgiveness every time and never feels the necessity to reflect upon his conduct, not to speak of changing for the better. Unless he has some other redeeming qualities, which I doubt he has, he seems to deserve to be shown the door. Obviously, you will not want to see a repeat performance from your husband after a period of excellent behaviour, and find that this other person has in the meantime made a decent and graceful exit from your life, for the poor guy has his own life to lead.
Honest answers, serious soul-searching, real concern for others and desire for peace of mind for yourself. These are what you need to consider, calmly and quietly, if necessary with an understanding friend.
My good wishes for a happy solution.
2006-06-23 06:16:51 · answer #1 · answered by vaidy19 2 · 14⤊ 4⤋
Blue Passion,
I can't say that I have had that experience, but it sounds to me like you have been the glue for a long time. I think that love is a tricky thing. After 20 years, I can't expect anything but for you to love him, but at the same time, with love comes trust and respect. It sounds like he has violated two of the key components for the relationship to completely be whole again. I would say that if you are a Christian woman, then you should pray and God to heal the marriage. If you feel that strongly about your love for him, then you have a marriage worth saving no matter what happened. Don't even go there with the relative. There will be more backlash for you because of it then it will be for him. Families stick together. Keep your dignity and integrity in tact and try to work it out with your husband if you still genuinely love him and want to keep him. Let the relative go. If you receive him when he is being decent and talk to him about the times when you were most happy, even to the point of reenacting some of those times, the flavor will come back if you both want it bad enough. Find out what he wants, so you aren't trying to resurrect a dead marriage.
Good Luck to you!
Clarissa
2006-06-23 13:06:53 · answer #2 · answered by mrschloerichardson 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to say this, but this time is for you. If you have stood by him through all that and still took him back you deserve to have a happy life. You are still young enough to enjoy yourself. If he is an alcoholic, you need to leave he is not going to stop drinking unless he wants to. The trust is the big issue, how could you trust him after what he put you through. I was in the same situation, also with a family member, I left not because of the other person but because I could not and would not settle for the life that he had made for us (he had no job, verbally and physciall abusive to me and my kids, etc. etc.). I ended breaking things off with the family member that I was involved with and now my life is wonderful. Some advice...ask yourself will I feel like I wasted my life when I am sixty. If the answer is yes then you need to leave and find happiness, life is too short to be miserable all the time. Good luck to you
2006-06-23 13:05:18 · answer #3 · answered by kelsey 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
oh hun, the sinner side of me would say (and woman experienced side) dump his a*# , he's treated you like crap, bent you over backwards, walked all over you back and forth, and you should be with the man that treats you as ya need to be treated and as you very well deserve. but the Christian side of me says "no" don't do it, it's just a temptation to keep you from your marriage and God could completly restore it. not only that this could be a time were your husband may actually see what a wonderful woman you are and how you have put up with all this crap. he may turn around for good (anything is possible with God) and God can totally heal all your wounds. turning around and being with someone else isnt going to take the wounds away it will just cover the surface, but underneath it all you still have the deep pain. you need to deal with all of it now, at least do things the right way. counseling, if that doesn't work then divorce, then wait on gods timing for this "Mr. right". continue to be that wonderful woman, don't fall into that temptation of selfishness, revenge, and fleshly desires. in other words, dont play your husbands game, be the better person. 2 wrongs don't make a right. and your relationship with the other guy will not be blessed if you commit adultery. then you will end up alone with more destruction and drama in your life. Many blessings to you. Just do whats right, don't let your lonely, bruised heart lead you.
2006-06-23 13:04:41 · answer #4 · answered by toni h 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
People change through life. You were really young when you got married. It sounds like your husband does not treat you so well anymore. An alcoholic and cheats on you? That is hard for anyone to deal with. If you are not happy, there is no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.
As far as moving into another relationship, I think you need time to heal if you are going to leave your current husband. If this man is a good man, he will understand and wait for you.
Also, do you have kids? It will be strange and difficult for them to see their mother with someone new so soon, especially a family member. I would definitely give yourself some time, but it sounds as if you might be ready to move on from your husband. If you do decide to stay with him, you definitely need to get some type of counseling.
2006-06-23 13:05:54 · answer #5 · answered by Kitty 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Since you are no longer trusting your husband, there is no point to be together and since he had left you for another woman before, then his irresponsible behaviour is unpardonable.
You have excuses to leave him without hesitattion and furthermore you have found someone else who might be really good and treat you well. Why not gamble with this happiness afterall you are given a choice?
File for the divorce and I would suggest you and the new guy to be more understanding each other and once both of you are comfortable during 2 years courtship, then you may consider whether you wish to re-marry or not.
2006-06-23 12:56:28 · answer #6 · answered by Adorable Mrs 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was marrie for 10 years and got divorced to my cheating wife,listen before you jump right backinto the pan find out what is important to you I will guarantee you that it won't be another man,time will make you see a love in a different way I have someone now i totally adore i've been divorced for 10 years and have dated and had a few relationships but I found out time I didn't need a wife or a girlfriend to fell validated.I needed feel good about who I was.My reltionshipnow with my current girlfriend is great and it was the time to deal with my demons that Ididn't know I had that made me better .That took away all the excuses i made for myself because of my wifes shortcomings.My dear get outof your current relationship and chill then take your time with the next and be damn sure of it.
2006-06-23 13:08:34 · answer #7 · answered by ga44male 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you cant trust your own husband, who can you trust. Once trust is gone its very difficult if not impossible to get back. My EX husband was an alcoholic also and cheated. We seperated several times and I never really trusted him, and I stayed in the marriage way toooooo long. We were married when I was 17 and he was 19, we were married 15 years. You need to NOT hop into another relationship. Even though the attention and they way the other man treats you is appealing. YOU CANNOT replace one man with another. If you feel you need to leave then do so, but dont leave for another man.
2006-06-23 13:00:47 · answer #8 · answered by MandaSue 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Haven't been in the situation but I have seen it thoroughly, my mom went and still is going through it.
You have those feelings for him(though different, they are still there). You need to really think about this and maybe get some counseling. If you really want things to work out with your husband, things need and must change. He needs AA, and both of you need marriage counseling. If he refuses or he starts to go back to his old ways within a few months then you should know that he may never change.
But then again he left you for another woman, who says he might not do it again. Also you have some one who treats you like a queen. Unsure sweetie, follow your heart. It may get hurt again, but at least you know you tried.
If you believe in God, pray for guidance and strength, He is always there. Never forget to thank him for the many blessings. The situation your in is still a blessing, you just need help to decipher it. follow your heart and instincts.
2006-06-23 13:00:28 · answer #9 · answered by sweetsugakb24 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would also say move on... coming from experience, although I haven't been married for 20 years... but as far as him being with another woman.. I dont see how you could ever be with him again... my husband only kissed another woman while we were seperated, and we are now in a situation where things probably wont work out because that tension is there....
I would say... divorce your husband.. but dont jump into someone elses arms. Be by yourself for a while.. you might find that you like it!!
2006-06-23 13:08:53 · answer #10 · answered by emeraldeyesmiles 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, you are still young and alive!
After 20 years of marriage and many second chances , get your life back, and feel the excitement of being in love. You have fulfill your obligation as a wife and is time for you to move on.
It will be hard on your family to accept your new relationship though and it can start a huge family feud...
I say, get a divorce and pursue hapiness. Good luck
2006-06-23 13:12:05 · answer #11 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋