My husband is paranoid, possessive, jealous and hypocritical. How do I deal with this?

Question

He´s always reproaching my past relationships, even though he´s no saint. He acts like I´m stupid and humiliates me in front of his family and in public. He won´t let me live anything down but says he loves me and wants to be with me forever. What kind of behavior is this? I don´t want a divorce. I need Dr. Phil!!!!

He blames me for our problems because I hid things about ex-boyfriends and lied to him about a few things, but this was always regarding PAST RELATIONSHIPS. I don´t flirt with other men and I would never cheat on him.

I know this seems unfair to my husband because you´re only getting my side of the story. I certainly have defects, such as a short fuse and I obsess over things that I can´t change, I´m too quick to raise my voice, etc. I got married because I was deeply in love and he made me feel younger, wild and free, like I could do anything as long as he was at my side. He made me a better person, and I could be myself with him. That has all changed. Instead of feeling free I feel suffocated and trapped, and I´m afraid to be myself around him. It´s like walking on egg shells because I´m afraid that potential word to come out of my mouth could make him angry with me.

Answer 1

There is very little information about you. In the first place, I don't believe it is any good to choose a nickname like 'hurt and confused', which exhibits a negative and rigid attitude. You seem to be resigned to your suffering. You have got to look at the whole situation afresh and look at yourself in a positive light.
You have focused exclusively on his negative traits, which I am sure is not the whole picture. You are certainly editing out some good qualities that I am sure he possesses. There must have been something about him that you found attractive and endearing that led to your decision to marry him.
The critical question is: Has he suddenly changed into someone so cruel and unpleasant? Has his entire personality undergone a radical transformation? Have you any idea what could have caused this? And, the strange question is: Is he serious when he says he loves you and wants to be with you forever, and do you believe what he says? Your honest answers to these questions will help you find a solution, if not the right solution. And, if your answers indicate a possible disorder in his personality, you might decide to help him, provided you find him normal and sincere in his affection and love for you. Also, if his sane (or saner) moments are the rule and the insane ones the exception, there is perhaps hope that he can be helped to regain his former personality. This will eventually restore your original relationship, which I presume was based on mutual love, respect and trust.
On the assumption that what you say of him is true, then ask yourself these questions (perhaps with the help of a true friend) and come out with honest answers, and give him a chance if he deserves it. If your answers tell you that he does not deserve a chance, and maybe you are endangering your happiness and peace by continuing the relationship, then step out of it. This way, you will have guaranteed that you did everything you could, whatever the outcome. You will not live with remorse. Every human being deserves that.

Answer 2

She could try getting some counseling for the two of them, but I'll be honest, it doesn't sound good. It will take a miracle for him to change enough to be tolerable. But miracles do happen. An evaluation might help. Perhaps he can get a prescription medication to end these bad habits. It's hard to tell for us on the outside looking in. Possibly, some extended anger and relationship counseling will be enough. If he will commit to counseling and stay with it until he is over his problems, the marriage has a chance. But if he won't go, or goes and then bails out or goes back to old ways, she needs him to know she will leave.

Answer 3

Well he has to accept that you have a past, but if you lied about it too him, then he is struggling with trusting you. What ever you told him should have been truthful or when asked you have to see it's your past and your not discussing it.

Careful with those questions that were posted as Red_Flags. Many can also have other meanings. Depends on the context.

Answer 4

This is sick, abusive behavior, and you don't have to stand for it.

You should find a therapist and BOTH go. If he won't go, go by yourself. Your husband has some major problems, and if he won't admit to them by seeing a professional to help him, YOU have to take control of your life and your happiness. Nobody wants a divorce, but sometimes that's the only solution.

We are all responsible for our own happiness, but too many of us rely on someone else to be happy - over which we have no control.

Answer 5

Physical or sexual violence may occur without warning. Sometimes, however, there may be signs or "redflags" that serve as warnings that abuse may occur. The following are examples of a person's behavior or personality that may be a warning that a person may be abusive. If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship or be at risk for it. It is recommended that you speak with a domestic violence advocate.

1. Does your partner tease you in a hurtful way in private or in public?

2. Does your partner call you names such as "stupid" or "*****"?

3. Does your partner act jealous of your friends, family, or co-workers?

4. Does your partner get angry about clothes you wear or how you style your hair?

5. Does your partner check-up on you by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to?

6. Has your partner gone places with you or sent someone just to "keep an eye on you"?

7. Does your partner insist on knowing who you talk with on the phone?

8. Does your partner blame you for his problems or his bad mood?

9. Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you're "walking on eggshells"?

10. Does your partner hit walls, drive dangerously, or do other things to scare you?

11. Does your partner often drink or use drugs?

12. Does your partner insist that you drink or use drugs with him?

13. Have you lost friends or no longer see some of your family because of your partner?

14. Does your partner accuse you of being interested in someone else?

15. Does your partner read your mail, go through your purse, or other personal papers?

16. Does your partner keep money from you, keep you in debt, or have "money secrets?"

17. Has your partner kept you from getting a job, or caused you to lose a job?

18. Has your partner sold your car, made you give up your license, or not repaired your car?

19. Does your partner threaten to hurt you, your children, family, friends, or pets?

20. Does your partner force you to have sex when you do not want to?

21. Does your partner force you to have sex in ways that you do not want to?

22. Does your partner threaten to kill you or himself if you leave?

23. Is your partner like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," acting one way in front of other people and another way when you are alone?

Answer 6

It sounds like he's trying to cover up his insecurities by putting all the blame on you. Guys and girls alike bring up the other's past relationship when they're jealous. I think you should tell him to stop humiliating you in front of people though; if he wants to humiliate you, he should do it in private so you can defend yourself.

Answer 7

Obviously he has to acknowledge that you had a past before him. He had one before you as well. The thing about people that like to judge is that they suffocate you and dont allow you to be yourself....and you dont want that. Besides that, if he wants to judge you, then he has to be willing to be judged, and you dont want a situation like that because no one will be able to be themselves. I think you have to sit him down and tell him that he has to accept that you have had a past, including sexual experiences etc. and if he cant deal with that, maybe he should find someone that doesnt have one.

Answer 8

He has serious problems, and people with these kinds of problems are potentially dangerous. I would leave him, but only AFTER I have proven that I was trustable. What are YOU doing to MAKE him feel this way? Flirting with other men? WHAT??????????? If you are doing nothing, then for your own safety, get OUT NOW!!!!!!!

Answer 9

The past is the past and he needs to understand. He is being very selfish and needs to let you breathe. Love needs to be felt. Tell him to search within his heart and figure out if he is giving you what he claims. That the marriage is deteriorating because of his behavior towards you.

Answer 10

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